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Late

Sub note: I really did want to post this week, I have queasy feeling in my stomach .... But here it is a little let ... Sorry hilton..
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I'm just living this week,
Breathing

Both my girls seem more
Emotionally lost then ME.

Both have cried themselves to sleep, both have crawled into my bed. And do not want to leave.
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After finishing a great bromance weekend away with Bob, I'm
feeling more insecure...
Very lonely....and fuck I shouldn't feel that way right now,

I'm sick and tired of people letting me down by accident.
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Pink elephants, don't like them want to pop them
as I see them,
dave tells me its good but try to have a little bit of tack....
Fuck that I say... ( For the moment)
Life to short to have other people fail to live up to there own- expectations- and try to justify it or blame someone else.

Fuck that.... Life is to short.

Its my mantra....

Hilton would have said Fuck that.......!!!
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So let tell ya what I did......

I got off the crowed elevator, my friend was a little claustrophobic,
...... walked the 9 th floor ICU at st. Mikes and went just north of the hospital and went in and lit some candles at st Michael cathedral.
Yep... That's what I did..
I can't believe I didn't pass out...... I felt like a ghost.. On the 9 floor ICU,

Watching other sit in the waiting room .... New families waiting to find out if they can have there son back...

at the security door,
I stood back just a few feet, and
whispered to a friend; "those people have a child , husband ... A loved one behind those door" ( sigh)
"And they are just starting there journey in the ICU..." Fuck I wish I could help them...."

I look through the window and I can see our condo, right across the street from hiltons bed, and I can remember the sleepless night staring at a poster of drake at the toronto eaton centre, lighting up the room as I lay in my bed staring at kats not sure if she was a wake until a tear drops down her face, can be seen
Only by the silver reflection of a single watery tear can be seen by the light of night.
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My friend stared at me as I stood on the 9 th floor, as I look through past all the people, to the people still standing at the door of the ICU, waiting....
and I continued my random thought out loud: "you can see it in their morbid eyes, they look scared
they pace a little,
they look awkward,

I wish I could approach them and tug on there shirt and tell them I'm praying for them...
( Its a language they will learn within 72 hours of living in the ICU, the tug, it means so much, hi, how are you, you ok, I'm good, leave me alone, I'm waitng, I love you, I'm thinking of you...)

As I turn and look both ways down the hall, and start to walk to the elevator I was very alone.....
Down to ground, right by the tim hortans,

As my friend and I walk across shooter street a cold wind blows the tears across my face ensuring I wipe them because they tickle my skin,

Into st.mikes, quiet, warm, people scattered around this beautiful church, I walk slowly up to the small area where candles can be lit I must have lit 10,

If GOD heard me, back on oct 29th he never said a word and just listened to me....the asshole..

We sat in the front pews and I cried, for 15 minutes, I whimpered, cried, sobbed, and beg god for a reason why he took my son...

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As we made our way back to the truck in silence,

I need to end this weird experience I was subjecting my self too,...
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The rest of my week has been a roller coaster, I don't like weekends any more it seem I have a huge anxiety I can't explain to anyone, the loss of my son , the break up of may family, and the start of. Change... And this "new"normal is not so much fun...
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Today: thursday, after a night of snowboarding with a new friend at blue mountain, I had my daughter have a melt down becuase of a miss understanding... That caused chaos..

Friday:

Court, for a ticket for speeding what else is new for me, and I used the death card,
well let me tell you , that was the worst thing in my life to tell someone .......

So the day prior to Hiltons death you, you asshole OPP, gave me a ticket...
The day after my son died, and you didn't care, no mercy...

Shouldn't be speeding... Anyway... I know...

Ands now to the hospital, for a stress test on my broken heart..... After all was done.... My heart is good....

--------------------------------------what a week.... An emotional week I miss my hilton, I'm trying to keep my girls happy, and I want a better life for me..... But nothing seems to be moving...

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Now as saturday come to an end, georga just finished her first comp, in snow boarding. 2 times down the pipe, she is the youngest in her catigory, under 12, ..and we wait, she did really well and yes I forgot to charge the camera....

And in her practice...boom snap she breaks her board in half.... In the half pipe, I have never seen a board snap..... But hey, georg snapped a board...

So we wait for the award,and this would make for a great end to this week...
Drum roll.............

Georga byrne got Silver in the provincial half pipe competition she is 9 years old ...hehehehe awesome

Hilton would have thought that rocked..... He love bragging about georga... Even when he said he hated her.....
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Today is tuesday! And I watched a explore one truck turn around on my street like its only goal was to see if I was working??? So weird.... Who knows???

Anyway, its a new week

Yes I went to work today,

Another week

So its seems my emotional bank is running in a 2 week cycle,

Kat say I'm more like a chick now more then ever.
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It seem emotionally I can go for about 5 to 7 days before I become a fucking loone and can't stop crying and want to climb in a deep dark box... And once in this deep dark box with no light it seem it take me about 7 to 10 days to crawl out.

My confidence is easily shaken. Insecurity anxiety, overwhelming feeling of pressure on my chest,
Dave say my pengilium is swing... And I need to keep it in check...

Even the most secure things in my life feel like they are being raped in front of me while I watch.

Then as time passes and the dead of night lands on my shoulder blinking in the darkness, not knowing if I'm awake or a sleep...

Only to feel the reality of tears sliding down my temple along my hair line...staring at a dark ceiling, Only then do I realize that I'm fully awake in darkness alone and this is not a dream my son is dead.....
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This week my emotional bank is full and I'm feeling calm, not a day goes by with out crying, but on these weeks when my emotional bank has fuel , it just a slow burn of pain, that if managed and I stay low key I can keep my self in check....
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Tonight the girls and I went to shoppers drug mart, bought some watermelon lady speed stick for me... Yes I where ladies deodorant.... Go a head laugh... I'm good with it..
We also bought some facials.... OMG what a mangina...

Came home, the three of us giggling went to put our masks on so we can revitalise our skin..... Each watching each other, our skin get hard, talking weird, we all laughed and laughed...

And I realised, this is the first time we have laughed... Without effort, our lives are normal for 60 minutes...in the last 120 days...
I didn't want to wreck it, ssshhhhh... Don't say it out loud and maybe it will last.

Kat let me take photos, and she laughed...georg just felt like she was playing... It was a wonderful moment, and when I realised it was happening , you realize hilton is gone.... I try to ignore it forget him..

Some times it the only thing I can do....forget those 20 days

Then you have guilt because you want to forget,
then you say I must remember him if I'm going to honour him... Back and forth nerve racking exhausting lowering you emotional bank fast, and by the time you realize .... The great moment of being happy, is.... over ... You can barely keep a grip...

Fuck this bullshit.... If your still reading... It is the hardest motherfucking thing I have ever done... Loneliness,
Has been created by the loss of my Son.... and I try to rationalise it I try to understand grieving... But when your in battle the map you were using to plan the battle does not seem relevant when bullets are going over your head and your scared to death what tomorrow will bring....
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Dave....... Ooooooo dave I have girls in my life that are scared of dave, because he brings reality to my life, ensures I think and understand rationalise every thing.....
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I'm always tired, sleep is a rare treat, these days, ya know there was a time that I could go to bed with a tim hortans coffee at 10 at night and pass out...
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Today.... Not a chance... Sleep scares me, it seem like every dream takes me weird places...
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This weekend I'm with bib costa , a good friend from new jersey
Snowboarding... And it the first... Oh I hate first... Its the first time I have seen him since Hilton died, we snowboarding all day and he ask lost of question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop and we would baord,
The another question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop.... And we would baord..

I told him it was ok to talk about it, he was concerned...

We go home tomorrow, and I can't wait to see some special people in my life,

I hope the drive is not as shit as it was coming out...

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Scared of this week it is a week where my cycle say its gonna be shit for me emtionally...

Fucking tough week

Dentist
Dr. Larry, just seeing him with out hilton 18 years... It was dreadful...

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Katie painted a beautiful picture of hilton: what an experience, katie sent me a picture at every stage, and we shared emotions during the creating period..
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Hilton bigger then the nationals committee meeting
Sean and Sarah: great young people... Left a christmas gift behind... A picture of hilton... Really tough... To see...

I didn't even go to the meeting and it over took me emotionally
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Met with a customer ( small customer/ friend, not really tested the water if I could do it, hand picked john... And I balled like an idiot, I'm not ready for the outside world yet)
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Saw my friend at the bank: hugged lisa, and trembled in her office
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Kat wakes up with bad dreams. And crawls into ed with me just wanting to hide
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Sheri at mt st. Louis today asks me what the little silver charm is around my neck........ That charm is my sons ashes...
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Its seems like it was a big week of first..... And hiltons was every where.... Fuck me
Boom boom boom boomm.. It just kept coming and coming and every thing above has a story... Every person stares at you, ask you if your ok, that they are sorry, a hundred miles an hour.... Spinning,, crazy....OMG... Fuck overwhelming crazy....

The girlfriends back yard.....( Its a funny story)

>
> The sun is out today...
>
> It makes you feel good because the warm sun is beating down on you... but it also brings a rush of sadness. I miss Hilton so much..every single minute of every day. I told Ivi last night...it's like he walks beside me where ever I go. It's nice because I have him there but at the same time it brings a pain that sometimes feels almost unbearable. I'll always feel the pain...I want to feel it, I don't want to push it away, though. I feel it..really feel it because you need a "down" to have an "up" and vice versa.
>
> Anyway, I thought of a funny story (or at least it's funny to me and Hilton) today while I was outside on the swing we spent a lot of time on. I had to dodge poops in the backyard because the snow just melted all at once and suddenly there's so much...gross! It made me remember...
>
> Once when Hilton was over, we were going through old records/cd's in my basement and there was a dog poop on the floor. It was really gross, and I didn't want to pick it up because we CONSTANTLY were finding dog poops down there when my two dogs got down there. I told him to look away then I gently placed a playing card over it...and voila.. problem solved, right?
>
> He never let me forget that! He would laugh his ass off and push my shoulder playfully when he laughed at me. He wasn't freaked out, he just thought I was gross..which I'm fine with..haha. It made me laugh....thinking to myself outside on the swing today...it's a small memory but huge at the same time.
>
> I miss him so much and sometimes I NEED him here. Its a very unique pain when you need something you can't have. I loved him...I'm in love with him still and although he's not physically coming back, he walks with me every day.
>
> I talk to him every day....and dog poop reminds me of him. Yeah... dog poop...and I'm alright with that!
>
> Don't cry from this email...try not to cringe either! He's awesome and he walks with you, too, Tim.
>
> Love always
>
> Natalie
>
>
>

Katie Byrne portrait of hilton byrne

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WOW, katie.... WOW