Friday, March 18, 2011

S.L.-U.T. Park city mountain

Town lift chairlift
Run- quit'n time
Utah, park city, where Hilton wanted to be
The view is amazing
Pouring your sons ashes through your finger, over the palm of your warm hand, as they slowly fall into the wet snow, like the sands of time, your realize you can not control time,
You can not turn it back your not stopping it, you can not move it forward.
as the sun pours over your face, tears accent the cold of your cold cheek.
On a single line on your face
All this at
at the top of a mountain
And no matter who is with you, your alone...
Watching your daughters face look crushed and in pain.. Real deep blood boiling pain....
Sobbing out loud uncontrollable..... Screaming gut wrenching pain.... Fuck..... Fuck........fuck.......
Go hug your fucking kids right now because the are a gift that can be taken away from you....

Building a snowman for him using his ashes to make the eyes, and nose and smile. Hoping he would turn and talk to me like the movie jack frost....
I ask hilton while riding this week to be my families guardian angle... Ask him to look over the girls, and take all request... Wishes...
( Funny I think he really answered one wish already)
Hilton is a real loyal man, he would have gone to the ends of the earth... Pissed off but he would never question me, defend me no matter what.... And I would defend him..
Now he is gonna help me get through this ands be better and stronger..
He gonna work hard with me
The pain of dropping his ashes off has not gotten easier... I told the hilton snow man I loved him and I'm sorry... So fucking sorry my chest hurts, the pain is like someone stabbing me... Over and over again and I can get them to stop.

Ground hog day...
Fuck you..... FUCKYOU...
Fuck y o u fuck you... God dammit...fuck you...
By the way
SLUT....stand for
Salt Lack city- Utah.
Hilton I love you
You picked a great spot to hang out
I will come back to visit
Its not a great. Blog, its just an simple entry...


Only in the united states on the top of a mountain

Can you find a kangaroo as a pet

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Sub note: I really did want to post this week, I have queasy feeling in my stomach .... But here it is a little let ... Sorry hilton..

I'm just living this week,

Both my girls seem more
Emotionally lost then ME.

Both have cried themselves to sleep, both have crawled into my bed. And do not want to leave.
After finishing a great bromance weekend away with Bob, I'm
feeling more insecure...
Very lonely....and fuck I shouldn't feel that way right now,

I'm sick and tired of people letting me down by accident.
Pink elephants, don't like them want to pop them
as I see them,
dave tells me its good but try to have a little bit of tack....
Fuck that I say... ( For the moment)
Life to short to have other people fail to live up to there own- expectations- and try to justify it or blame someone else.

Fuck that.... Life is to short.

Its my mantra....

Hilton would have said Fuck that.......!!!
So let tell ya what I did......

I got off the crowed elevator, my friend was a little claustrophobic,
...... walked the 9 th floor ICU at st. Mikes and went just north of the hospital and went in and lit some candles at st Michael cathedral.
Yep... That's what I did..
I can't believe I didn't pass out...... I felt like a ghost.. On the 9 floor ICU,

Watching other sit in the waiting room .... New families waiting to find out if they can have there son back...

at the security door,
I stood back just a few feet, and
whispered to a friend; "those people have a child , husband ... A loved one behind those door" ( sigh)
"And they are just starting there journey in the ICU..." Fuck I wish I could help them...."

I look through the window and I can see our condo, right across the street from hiltons bed, and I can remember the sleepless night staring at a poster of drake at the toronto eaton centre, lighting up the room as I lay in my bed staring at kats not sure if she was a wake until a tear drops down her face, can be seen
Only by the silver reflection of a single watery tear can be seen by the light of night.
My friend stared at me as I stood on the 9 th floor, as I look through past all the people, to the people still standing at the door of the ICU, waiting....
and I continued my random thought out loud: "you can see it in their morbid eyes, they look scared
they pace a little,
they look awkward,

I wish I could approach them and tug on there shirt and tell them I'm praying for them...
( Its a language they will learn within 72 hours of living in the ICU, the tug, it means so much, hi, how are you, you ok, I'm good, leave me alone, I'm waitng, I love you, I'm thinking of you...)

As I turn and look both ways down the hall, and start to walk to the elevator I was very alone.....
Down to ground, right by the tim hortans,

As my friend and I walk across shooter street a cold wind blows the tears across my face ensuring I wipe them because they tickle my skin,

Into st.mikes, quiet, warm, people scattered around this beautiful church, I walk slowly up to the small area where candles can be lit I must have lit 10,

If GOD heard me, back on oct 29th he never said a word and just listened to me....the asshole..

We sat in the front pews and I cried, for 15 minutes, I whimpered, cried, sobbed, and beg god for a reason why he took my son...


As we made our way back to the truck in silence,

I need to end this weird experience I was subjecting my self too,...

The rest of my week has been a roller coaster, I don't like weekends any more it seem I have a huge anxiety I can't explain to anyone, the loss of my son , the break up of may family, and the start of. Change... And this "new"normal is not so much fun...

Today: thursday, after a night of snowboarding with a new friend at blue mountain, I had my daughter have a melt down becuase of a miss understanding... That caused chaos..


Court, for a ticket for speeding what else is new for me, and I used the death card,
well let me tell you , that was the worst thing in my life to tell someone .......

So the day prior to Hiltons death you, you asshole OPP, gave me a ticket...
The day after my son died, and you didn't care, no mercy...

Shouldn't be speeding... Anyway... I know...

Ands now to the hospital, for a stress test on my broken heart..... After all was done.... My heart is good....

--------------------------------------what a week.... An emotional week I miss my hilton, I'm trying to keep my girls happy, and I want a better life for me..... But nothing seems to be moving...

Now as saturday come to an end, georga just finished her first comp, in snow boarding. 2 times down the pipe, she is the youngest in her catigory, under 12, ..and we wait, she did really well and yes I forgot to charge the camera....

And in her practice...boom snap she breaks her board in half.... In the half pipe, I have never seen a board snap..... But hey, georg snapped a board...

So we wait for the award,and this would make for a great end to this week...
Drum roll.............

Georga byrne got Silver in the provincial half pipe competition she is 9 years old ...hehehehe awesome

Hilton would have thought that rocked..... He love bragging about georga... Even when he said he hated her.....

Today is tuesday! And I watched a explore one truck turn around on my street like its only goal was to see if I was working??? So weird.... Who knows???

Anyway, its a new week

Yes I went to work today,