Sunday, February 6, 2011

BC, big white, black forest chair lift pole #5 33paces, to the east... ( hilton drop #3)

Each time we finished a run this afternoon, I want to say as happy and
with as much positive energy as I can,
as I can muster up, ... "Hilton would have loved that"!!!!!!!...
Choking back , hyper ventilating, trying to create a sense of wellness and balance in my universe.....
Hilton never made it to big white to snow board, that in its self pisses me oFF.
As I look across a chair lift to 3 girls with tears running down there faces... You know it stings... It really hurts to knows hilton is gone for ever
And georga says to mom... " There gonna freeze"
With a soft touch of a frozen glove to a cold check...
Friday night:
Tonight we went out to dinner and the meal was
Shit, the company was great,
neil & heather, drove up to hang , I loved seeing them the were part of Hiltons lives. A part of his life that I never knew.... University, here in BC....
Kris, Carrie,
Neil, Heather,
Kat, Georg.
And ME.......
Last day.... Its time....
5am.... Good morning...

My guts turn , my throat closes... I hate this ..... But it so badly need to be done for us as a family,
Kris and Carrie.... Big smooch, they invited us and have made us feel so welcome,
and took a lot of anxiety away..
we all drag ourselves out of bed, kat whispers, I'm gonna put him in pocket... ( Like she would forget him).
The eastern view out of our condo, is awesome clouds, being shred open by sun burning through as the mountain holds up the sky making it a God like experience streams of sun moving with the lite fog... with everyone grabbing there camera, not me I'm just enjoy the moment, its -6 the coldest its been all week, yet warmer then the average...we see...
Egg sandwiches for everyone...
Big white has cool, snow ghost... Everywhere,
Trees smothered, in snow looking wonderfully surreal, ____________________________
Georga ask me why do we have to find a place for hiltons ashes...that we can find again...
I told her; well Jo Jo, its important so that when you come back her
when you an old lady,
you can tell your grandchildren,
where he is..
And as you grow up, and get lost along the way, you can go to vermont, tremblant, big white... Find hiltons spirit, sit right here and ask him for help... ,
when ever your lost find he will find you and make sure your safe Baby......
Its 1:30pm just getting dressed, and going back out, quiet, lonely feeling, and I'm with 5 others.... My breathing is shallow, and I'm talking under my breath, my daughters catch me and ask, who are you talking too, I do this more and more since hilton died,
hey hilti it time for a little bit of you to watch over us here at big white,
I drop the ashes at vermont,

kat dropped hiltons ashes at tremblant,
Now its georga turn... Georg is 9 she has lost her brother,
and now she gonna help hilton rest his soul,
here at big white....
Black forest chair lift, pole five 30 paces to the right east, looking up... Sit here and talk to him.....
When you come here
Watching my children leave there brother ashes behind, is a brutal experience takes my fucking breath away...
This is the 3cd time and its heart wrenching...
Sunny perfect view of mountains, soft white snow,
Another piece of our journey complete....
I hold my breath in hopes i can contain my tears... I strain to keep my self up right, tears roling off my face like a slow dripping faucet, so unreal , my face un changed....
I can't believe I was meant to live beyond my child

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