Thursday, April 14, 2011

Healing Truths

By Anne P. Serdula

A really good friend and business partner Anthony serdula came and visited me in nashville while on conference for PRSM....
Hugs me and hands me his wife's published book.......
We ended the night and I through the book on the bed without a look,
I'm grateful for the book but to be honest, about 10 people have handed me books in the last 4 months... And not that I don't appreciate it, but I just have not had the attention span to read dog shit, and self help is not where I'm at.....
Saying that I go to therapy every week,

Being busy at the conference and I wish I could tell you I was selling, but the truth be known I have been busy at this conference hiding,
hiding from people....
Building courage to face people for the first time since my sons death.
Every introduction every hello, every how have you been, how is your year....????????????????
Makes my throat close up and my head spin.... People stare and are not sure what to say, and I must continue to face the harsh reality of my anxiety.
Life must go on. Without hilton.....

And then fuck , tony come and hands me another self help book.... Omg...sarcasm....
Last night a good friend
Sent me an email with his regrets for not coming to the conference...... His reason......................................his son , his 20 year old son was in ICU...... When I received this email, I did not even finish it..... I called my friend, choking back tears, we spoke for 20 minutes and shared each other stories.....
His son is stable...... Thank fucking god, and out of ICU
But I'm an emotional mess.....
Not being able to breath... I call another friend and sit in a corner and cry and cry.... While on the phone..... Not wanting to face anyone any more.....
I'm not sure if anyone ( unless you lost a child ) can truly understand what that shitty wave of emotional free falling feels like......
And when you hear of another young man in the ICU....... And you know the Dad,,,, well let me tell you how much chest pain I had that night.
Monday night: I run into another friend at mortons steak house.....
Chris ..... Big crazy chris....
God love him
he hugs me,
and squeezes me
and tells me how much he loves me....
He made me feel great,
He wasn't scared of my sons death or my sadness. He embraced it....
He is the type of man that believes...
another man that sticks out is Duane Smith..... He looks at me and looks away.. And sticks out a fist, and knuckles me and say.... Your a strong man,
This has been my first public appearance Since hiltons death
Being asked
How are you?
I'm sorry!
I heard?
Are you ok!
I read the blog
Good on you for being here
Did something tragic
I love you man
I have been living this with you
You'll be ok....?!
WOW..... Its tough really hard on me,
And not drinking or letting my guard down, tense, over kill on pressure
with all the anxiety in my head about hilton,
a bigger worry ,
is I came here thinking I might see ciaran or mike and antagonise me because there only goal is to destroy me.... ........ My head spins.... I think to much...
Tuesday: The show is coming to an end
I don't think I got any new customers, I hope janice did,
And now on tuesday morning hiding in my hotel room I read from cover to cover..... That book.... That book that Tony gave me......
Healing truth..... Funny, I learn more about myself reading this book at one of the most insecure times of my life in nashville.
Why now*
When I should be downstairs. Hunting for a new customer...
Time and fate...... It was meant to be....I guess...
Thank you Anne Serdula, knowing your husband made the book even more intimate then it should have been.... It made me a good way....
I can't wait to meet you and hug you and thank you for the gift of your thoughts...
Tim byrne signing off, and hopefully turning a corner
I'm tired,

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