Sitting on the top of the hill in sunshine

Today,

I had a fight with kellie about georga, over nothing at the end of the day...

She wants to go home , I agreed that I would go home..

At the end of it neither of us went home...

Writing this reads silly, I'm sure we sounded stupid.

The girls went inside and I boarded by myself
-4
sunny,
with a wisp of snow,
no wind....
2pm....
It was a beautiful afternoon and I bust out in tears.
Un fucking controllable.......

So fuck up,
I can believe it,

I'm sure 10-20-30 years from now my kids are gonna read this and wonder where I was coming from..


Sitting in the snow, crying sobbing ,
I wanted to turn back time , and keep Hilton on life support,
the guilt over ran me today...
Why WHY the fuck...... Fuck I feel so guilty today.... Sitting in the snow...
I miss Hilton,

Goerg and kat wish everyone could be here on the mountain with us, hilton , ciaran ian and david........
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Son of a bitch...... MF'er

I so tired of not sleeping

I'm so tire of the waves of sadness,

I'm so fed up with feeling lonely

Or having flashes of hilton in the hospital..


Its been a little over 63 days since he died.....

Kellie says we have post traumatic stress disorder....


I'm sure she is right......


I went back to the condo,

Saw the girls, laid in my bed,

Georga has come into my room to make sure I'm ok...... Her and I made up this afternoon...
I love her so much , she a good girl...

We are going swiming...

Done....
Actually georg is nagging me to stop typing and come swimming

Mont-Tremblant-missing the gang

Mont-Tremblant georg and dad

Dad trying on hats with KAT.....

Mont-Tremblant 2011 with the girls....

NEW YEARS DAY 2011 : a year of firsts- fuck that....... Ya know..

I spent new years day completing a worlds land speed record to mont tremblant... "Home to condo"- with lunch in 5hours :45minutes...

Quiet roads, easy drive across highway 7.... To rockland.... Over the river on a car fairy .... In quebec, on a beautiful road called the 323. Big curves, long tree line passages, rolling hills,

We were all out of bed by 5:30am

Packed and on the road with coffee from timmys by 7:30am

We talk the whole time , little power naps, from kat and georg,

I asked kellie if she wanted to drive.... At that point she dozed off to sleep to.... ( Just kidding)

I really wanted this trip with my family!!!!!

Georga was so excited to go,!!!!

now we are here and my stomach is in knots...

Every year we would come here, most of those years with a young man named Ian lazenby..... And his brothers on and off,

( Ian doesn't come anymore...)

Hilton and I would always be the ones who lugged the heavy stuff out of the truck, even if the girls were there it seem like it was just us...

And as he got older, he got stronger and would carry more...

We hatted unloading , yet I always kinda like watching this boys strength over the years become a mans strength , and he would take my drill sargent s orders
like he would "get'r-done" bull in a china store attitude

Strong arrogant young man strength .....

I loved watching him become stronger over the years... Once complaining about unloading the truck became a father and son chore that we could laugh and play at doing...... Discussing How riding would be this year, or what we forgot at home....
What new equipment we would need.... Want....

Just being men...... Unloading the truck for our girls......kellie, kat and georg...
Hmmmmmmmmmmm fuck I miss him........
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Its now 11:30pm in our condo, .... I lay in bed everyone asleep.....

Silence...... The night time silence........ Trapped with my own thoughts......
Our neighbours above us are loud banging,
kat is awake and I ask her how to spell Neighbour..... Only to realize she is completely awake.......

I wonder what she is thinking.....

I have spent the whole day holding back tears,
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...........Once we got settled hilton would spend the next hours setting his binding on his board...... All the tools out.

I would set a couple of beers , root beers in the fridge.... So he and I and georg would go to the hot tub with cans of the hard stuff........

Hilton and I. ( And georg) loved the root beer in the hot tub......
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We are going to spread some more of hiltons ashes some time this week when we have courage.

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I'm sure I will enter more into the blog this week,

Its almost midnight....

Its gonna be (-1) tomorrow ... Good day for riding buddy,

Its gonna be a sweet ride....
Tomorrow....
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Can't sleep don't want to write anymore... Thumbs are sore......

Sweet dreams
God bless
Don't let the bed bugs bite...

Snowboarding yesterday, : emotional check in

As a father who has lost his son I want to explain to my great great grand children how I feel....
This blog will become a record for my family.

•I have had friends and people around me tell me I'm in a new club so small and such a private club that no one knows who is a member, and. Its such an exclusive club.... That know wants to be member, THE LOSS OF A CHILD club.

my relationship was awesome,
we were father and son, we loved, fighted, yelled , hugged, played, worked, .screams, shared, napped, traveled, challenged each other ever day, we lived together, we bitched at each other for hot water....
I taught him how to go pee..... In the potty....
I taught him how to ride a bike.

I told hilt if he wanted to fight someone he could fight me...

I have screamed at him

I have hugged him

I have sorry to him

I loved him....

When we weren't together we missed each other.

His name was hilton, hilti, hilto, hilts, retard, goof, ass,

I loved him,

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Dec 27 2010

Today while snow boarding I would cry while going down the hill, tears in my eyes, my throat closed up, almost gasping for air,

I can't help to think what would be ........

What he would do, were he and I would travel... Watching his dreams come true, get married, love , have kids....
Oh my god... Have kids! ....

Or how about run stadia/Byrne....

Hilton had just found himself this last year, ask anybody at my office hilton was going to be a leader,

I just plain and simply miss him...

I want him back...

All this with music blasting in my head and my two girls in front shredding turns so hard.
I'm sure their minds are racing fast like mine...

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Dec 29 2010

As every ones life keeps moving forward, my life stands still,

I get so fuck up when people ask me how my holiday was .........

I feel like every person I meet I want to blurt out my son is dead......

It like a big pink elephant in the room , I'm a LCBO commercial....
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I just want this pain to stop, I want to stop managing my tears.... And random emotions...
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My mom quit the blog, it was killing her,

Some friends send me email now and then and check in.... Even if I don't reply I need that....I need those email, its nice to know people are still there and give a shit.
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Dec 30th 2010

Having lunch with one of my senior team members... And as I spoke about the company and this persons career.... I kept feeling like I was going to cry or just cry.... It must have been the fucking strangest lunches.....for this person.....

I don't go to the office often, and I feel very overwhelm by the experience.....

As we got back that afternoon.... We had heard another stadia solider had taken turn.... But this person just keeps on going....

I wish I could tell you everything I know about this person.... But I can't.

I can tell you he is a strong and with huge pride and loyalty to his family... And I'm honoured I know him.