Going to Larry

Sunday night kat and georg and I discussed going to the dentist monday morning at 8am.

Its funny the overwhelming anxiety you can have to go see a dentist. And not for the reason ya think...

Most of us don't like people picking in our mouth.....

hilton, kat georg and I have turn going into the dentist into a ritual, we love having our teeth cleaned and having breakfast after, it was our thing...... ( Stupid thing small, but so important to us)

I have never not gone to the dentist with hilton for 18 years.

Monday morning was going to be the first time, without the LAD

As we arrived monday morning at 8am as a gentlemen , I opened the front door of the dentist office for kat and georg,

kat looked at me and said you go first, ......
There was a moment, 2 or 3 seconds we stared at each other.... Fight or flight...

That moment our eyes met, and we both wanted to run-a-way.... And between the both of us , busting through..... Was Georg... Who could give a shit, and so innocent, about what was going on between my beautiful 18 daughter and I...

We stroll in and the lady behind the counter says.... You guys are tomorrow...

Yahoo..... You could see how fast I grabbed the door knob and kat body slams the glass door like starsky and hutch..... Georga is like fuzzy bear.... Just there for the ride....

Dr. Larrys receptionist yells,..... "Guys its tomorrow same time". As her voice lessons with the closing of the door......

Kat and I get a bonus day to hide from our demons,
--------------------------------------
Kat and I barely discuss our anxieties out loud, in depth... grieving...no need we both get it,
And the dentists... Is just one more thing In this year of fucking firsts that has been force upon me.... And my family.....

Tuesday morning.......

Dr. Larry said he was sorry for my loss, we discussed the weather..... And I cried, and could not make eye contact....

Thank christ that 1st is over.....

--------------------------------
We left the dentists office and I ask kat.... " So did he say anything to you?" She said; no, you?... " Yeah, and my lip quivered, and nothing else was said in the truck that morning as I glanced at georga in my review view mirror, in the back seat and she said........ " I love you poppy"
its like she just knows ...

Its horrible that the grieving we go through is so well understood between us that no word need to be shared anymore, ... Just a simple glance at my 9 year daughter and I know how much she misses her brother.........

Another fucking day.... Another fucking day....
-------------------------------------
Right now I'm hiding in my. Board room... Listening to other laugh.... As I cry.............as I type ..

Some days are more difficult then other.....

Hilton I love you buddy. I wish I could have you back..... God dammit......

Esso station.

In this journey I have been on I have had the pleasure to meet wonderful people who have suffered.

Disease, death, debt, mental illness, all kinds of shitty thing...

Anybody who has experiences
( t-shirts as i Call them- I got the t-shirt, is what I say....)

So anyone who's got the tshirt, realises that life is to short, certain things don't matter, don't sweat the small stuff is understated._
-----------------------------------
This last week I met a wonderful woman in a gas station who told me she reads the blog, knows my family and called me a mangina.... Its a joke from the girls in my family...

Robin in my office cleaned hiltons desk up, put all his belonging in my office, I ask her to do this and as fate would happen I walk in to the office when it was happening,.... I walk out of the office.

Had lunch with my sister, she gives me a good feeling inside my soul

Then had a big finish with my therapist....... Dave is helping through all this shit,

Dealing with loss this last year,
I have lost so much more then my son, and I'm not looking for a pitty party,
But holly fuck......

I'm looking for good things now, and I remember the bad, holding on to the bad to ensure that I don't repeat mistakes and learn,

-----------------------------------
Take stock parents: if you have kids call them, hug them love them, because tomorrow they could be gone.
---------------------------------

hilton~ by katie byrne.jpg

Katie has been working really hard to bring hilton to life,
She has given me a rare opportunity to see her work before its done,
Please don't tell her I have shared it ......

Big white pole 5

BC, big white, black forest chair lift pole #5 33paces, to the east... ( hilton drop #3)

Friday:
Each time we finished a run this afternoon, I want to say as happy and
with as much positive energy as I can,
as I can muster up, ... "Hilton would have loved that"!!!!!!!...
Choking back , hyper ventilating, trying to create a sense of wellness and balance in my universe.....
--------------------------------
Hilton never made it to big white to snow board, that in its self pisses me oFF.
As I look across a chair lift to 3 girls with tears running down there faces... You know it stings... It really hurts to knows hilton is gone for ever
And georga says to mom... " There gonna freeze"
With a soft touch of a frozen glove to a cold check...
------------------------------------
Friday night:
Tonight we went out to dinner and the meal was
Shit, the company was great,
neil & heather, drove up to hang , I loved seeing them the were part of Hiltons lives. A part of his life that I never knew.... University, here in BC....
Kris, Carrie,
Neil, Heather,
kellie,phil,
Kat, Georg.
And ME.......
--------------------------------
Saturday:
Last day.... Its time....
5am.... Good morning...

My guts turn , my throat closes... I hate this ..... But it so badly need to be done for us as a family,
_________________________
Kris and Carrie.... Big smooch, they invited us and have made us feel so welcome,
and took a lot of anxiety away..
_________________________
6:30am:
we all drag ourselves out of bed, kat whispers, I'm gonna put him in pocket... ( Like she would forget him).
The eastern view out of our condo, is awesome clouds, being shred open by sun burning through as the mountain holds up the sky making it a God like experience streams of sun moving with the lite fog... with everyone grabbing there camera, not me I'm just enjoy the moment, its -6 the coldest its been all week, yet warmer then the average...we see...
_________________________
Egg sandwiches for everyone...
__________________________
Big white has cool, snow ghost... Everywhere,
Trees smothered, in snow looking wonderfully surreal, ____________________________
Georga ask me why do we have to find a place for hiltons ashes...that we can find again...
I told her; well Jo Jo, its important so that when you come back her
when you an old lady,
you can tell your grandchildren,
where he is..
And as you grow up, and get lost along the way, you can go to vermont, tremblant, big white... Find hiltons spirit, sit right here and ask him for help... ,
when ever your lost find he will find you and make sure your safe Baby......
---------------------------------
Its 1:30pm just getting dressed, and going back out, quiet, lonely feeling, and I'm with 5 others.... My breathing is shallow, and I'm talking under my breath, my daughters catch me and ask, who are you talking too, I do this more and more since hilton died,
-------------------------------
Its TIME,
hey hilti it time for a little bit of you to watch over us here at big white,
I drop the ashes at vermont,

kat dropped hiltons ashes at tremblant,
Now its georga turn... Georg is 9 she has lost her brother,
and now she gonna help hilton rest his soul,
here at big white....
Black forest chair lift, pole five 30 paces to the right east, looking up... Sit here and talk to him.....
When you come here
Watching my children leave there brother ashes behind, is a brutal experience takes my fucking breath away...
This is the 3cd time and its heart wrenching...
Sunny perfect view of mountains, soft white snow,
Another piece of our journey complete....
I hold my breath in hopes i can contain my tears... I strain to keep my self up right, tears roling off my face like a slow dripping faucet, so unreal , my face un changed....
I can't believe I was meant to live beyond my child
---------------------------------

Tree riding was the best with hilton...

This afternoon, riding with kris , kat and georg in the trees...... it just felt so GOOD,

Sweating....

The trees were tight, fun, and we all had great bounce, we did this run about 4 times... Fast and hard, lots of hard tight turns cutting, digging in, music in my head blaring loud...

We would stop every 100 turns and have a drink of water....

At the bottom on the chair lift we would have some candy, dad loves handing out the candy...
this time it was fuzzy peach candy... One for everyone....

And up we go again...

Kat and georg are so good on there boards strong accurate,
ride with intuition and care...
But still taking risk....

Hilton was the same,

Each time we stopped I couldn't help but say:
" that was great, hilton would love that" ....

I have been talking to hilton a lot out here, when I ride

It goes something like this...in my mind....

" Hey buddy, I love you so much,
I fucking hate that your gone,
I hope your OK,
I'm so sorry ,

I want you back so bad, fuck buddy why you,
( big pause)
you and I were gonna hang out together ,
snow baord together as I got old,
you were to run the business one day...

GOD , I miss you, ......

____________________________
By this time tears run down my face to edge of my goggles, pooling usually on the right Eye, I pull them off my face and keep them off, by the end of the day, I just don't wear them
-------------

I said to georg on a water break, I wish hilton was hear,
she looks at me and say.... " Yeah, I wish I could hear his voice one last time"

I can remember...
Hilton would stop with all of us and in his great mood yell out

" GGEEEOOORRGG" in a deep growl ly voice, just like mine, him yelling her name resonated with me every time she wipes out... Or we stop and she can't get up...
____________________________

Julie stephenson sent me a email tonight with a quote out of an email she has kept of hiltons....

Hilton said to her

"its the best when your
standing on the top of the hill, looking down both feet straped in, and its
that second just before you drop, and the cold hits you, but not the wind, and
you've just been woken up (b/c its still 83o in the morning) and you start down
the hill, with the huge carves, its the best feeling live ever had, i know its
sounds ridicules but its true, its amazing"

The above was written by hilton to julie
November 11, 2008
____________________________
Kat and I have stopped and discuss where to place his ashes....

It has to be a place with a view, a destination, where we can stop years from now, and a place we can find.... Again..... years later...

We have a few choice places..... Pole #5 on the blackforest chair lift.... To the left when looking up, in the middle of the trees, yet we won't do it til tomorrow...
-----------------------------------
I almost forgot to finish the university drop off story...

2008 labour day weekend drop to university,
We drove out to big white, drop to the little village where the lemon gondola is and we promised each other that I would come out and ride with him....

On the monday, after shopping at walmart, buyings bed sheet, toilet paper, tons of supplies , condoms ( no condoms just kidding) we get all his shit to his room he cam down stairs to the parking lot... Busy place kids and truck un loading... Telling me to move my car... Time stopped stood still....

We stared at each other,

( Sigh)

I hugged him,

I said:
I love you hilton...
He said:
I love you dad....

I kissed him, wedge $500.00 into his hand...
Got in my car and drove out of the valley.......

And just sobbed,

That next 4 months he was gone,,, we talked 2 twice a week, I missed him so much...

When he came back and had failed every subject, spent more money on nothing,... And was really pissied off with him self, ... That he was about to quite

I was kind of happy to have him back, I know it sound selfish... I loved hanging with my boy..... I was pissed he didn't finish or make it but I was glad he was Home

Now he will never come home again.... I find this idea of never seeing him again so fucking awful it makes my heart ache , my mouth dry.... It hurts so deep...

I love you buddy....

Big white

As we all pack and get ready to leave for big white, my excitement is coated with anxiety, vacation don't seem real with out hilton, as I pack kats stuff and load it in the truck, I truly have a surreal moment thinking I'm missing some luggage, because............ We are....

Hiltons.....

Hilton did one semester in big white ( kalowna,,, never got to snow baord, lost of long boarding, pot smoking and drinking, .... Failed ever course, love the life not the academia........
Came home tail between his legs 12,000 in debt.... But told me he was gonna go back to ride the mountain...

He never made it...

So now kat georg kellie and I are going......
With a little bit of hiltons ashes.....  To leave behind...

This is gonna be a big emotional ride, fucked up crazy... I can feel it, it started last night when I began to pack... The tsunami... In the horizon...

___________________________

Strangely being here is not as bad as being in tremblant..

Emotionally,
The physical pains in my chest only hurts a little....
Yet,
Its 4:00am half a sleep, waiting for morning, typing into a blog...
___________________________
Melissa from VAN you rock send me the comments,
Spread the blog around....
____________________________
Let go back to 2008 labour day, weekend, start of university... ( I never finished the stupid story..)
Hilti and I got into town on the thursday, and went looking for a hotel, and sure enough so was every other parent.. Dropping there kid off, I was so proud of hilton making it to university, this weekend he and I ( hilti was 18) he and I This weekend are gonna shop til we drop , go have a beer together, drive up to big white just to look at what we will be boarding on this winter, peek around campus.... I was gonna love him to death this weekend...
As we check into the no-tel-motel ground floor back alley presidential suite, it just didn't matter this was gonna be great...
It was 12am...
And we both passed out... And then awoke to the tv..... Not watching....
Crashing....
At 2am a tv, came out a plate glass window from the 2cd floor, onto the ashphalt below, right beside my truck as I peeked out the window, and could here foot steps about, I said to hilton welcome to university life.....hehehheh assholes.... ( There's more to the story...later.. Don't worry I will finish it)
_________________________
( Bring it forward to today)
4:30am..... First day... In big white 2011.. Without hilton..
I'm gonna be up first , again, that normal these days, now with the time change its even shittyier sleep.....
I even responded to a customer back in toronto.... Hi james....don't worry...
Pancakes? I love breakfast, so did the "hilton"....we would Go to nannas every 2cd weekend for pancakes.... He loved chatting with nann
------------------------------------
7am fuck that took a long time....
GOOD MORNING.......

What a day, sunny warm soft snow,
Carrie, kris, kellie kat Philip, georg and I pound down these bumps... And it was so much fun...
And kat whispered to me
"This run hilton would love let's put his ashes here"...
( Not yet)
, I still can't help but ball like a baby every time I go somewhere where I think he would love....TO BE...
Sometime this week we will find the best place...hilton to rest....

Awful , just fucking awful that I'm doing this shit....
Tonight Kat and I sat on my bed and talked for an hour in a whisper, about life, hilton, school, relationships... It was cool. We had a great fluid talk.. Back and forth...it was like she was normal or something???? EH,
Yaaaa. To be 18....
-----------------------------------
Everyone cashing early today, 7:30pm
Kris and Carrie have changed the dynamic. A little lighter, despite I can feel the tension Brew.. Dropping hiltons ashes has become a ritual....
Funny growing up with the kids, everything is a ritual, dentist.. Breakfast first day of school, snow boarding, ... The list is huge of all the traditions we had, family rituals.... And now dropping hilton off has become one.....
Sigh................ Its not fare...
Your children should not die before you.....

___________________________