SWAP MEET 2009 - Hilton at Roarockit.JPG

Its so nice when people find photos and bring them forward...

From the book of winne the pooh, from julie...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - dr. Seuss.

I like that message a lot...

Grieving/ healing and the blog

Its hard to tell anyone what is going on in my families life or my head
, the blog is such a small snipit into what I'm feeling , who hilton was, and the stories my girls will want 30 years from now.

The blog is for no one else but me and my girls.
If your a reader its a luxury, and if you don't like it or you think its stupid, DON'T read it...
Saying that, I think there are hundreds of people reading, that need the blog

Insight to the human physics and spirit, looking into the soul of suffering, and learn from another's pain....
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90 days after losing your child.

I have had people tell me to get up and start living!

I have had people tell me to live in the now?

I have people tell me they hate the blog!

I have people asking  me why am I writing? ??
Because sometimes it sound spiteful?

I have people tell me they are sorry?

I have people tell me they understand?

I have people tell me they will never understand?.

I have people ask me when I will stop writting on the blog,, because its morbid, and depressing and that I should stop living like this...


WOW - stuff....EH...
__________________________

I write the blog for "ME", its a selfish piece of writting that allows me to find my way,  no grammer, no editing... Just me, ME, ME!

Grieving is a process I have be told and despite we all do it differently or at a different pace.... Its a process..

Being lost out of control in pain, unable to control my sadness... Is all new to me.
And my family,

And then to participate in a world that is moving faster then you are... Complicates
Your grieving world.

When your child is born you make plans, you invision all these great things, hockey star, Olympic champ, great actor, polite kind, well educated child that finds happiness, is great at what they do, they carry your DNA, and you honour them by telling  anyone who listens how great your kids are ... Then...in a blink they are stolen from you....death/ killed sa come to there injuries .. Dreams end,

And you are left to wonder, what should have been, alone ... Scared of what tomorrow brings...  Because your child the person you were living through, is , gone...

A long the way of this grieving journey you start to learn who are you are, who you're friends are,
 who stands beside you no matter what,

And you learn all about your family, who care, and never did....

All new information about the human connection.

I have allowed more people in to my life in the last 100 days and I have cut people and huge amount of people loose... Anyone who could hurt me emotional, or effect my family  living in the now
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Weird, Over the last weeks since christmas it has been harder now to deal with my loss , more then ever,

And meeting people is the worst,

Kellie ask me the other day,
Tim, when some one comes up to you and discusses family and say "how many kids do you have?" - how do you answer?

I fucking curl up in a ball.. And die inside...
Or...
This is multiply choice:
1) Run a way
2) Say three and ignore the fact one is dead
3) Break out in tears and say two.
4) Do not get in a situation where you have to answer those questions...
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My therapist says to just get it out on the table, its yours and you own it.

Like an alcoholic... Admit it...

In the same answer he said: try to pick and choose those moments.

By the way I just simplified 8 hours of therapy to 60 words..... Its not that easy..
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I have just come out of a big dark place, this last 2 weeks,

I sent out some text/ bbm's and email.
reaching out for some emotional contact, and ... Its surprising how many people don't respond....
Its also surprising who does respond...


Its funny I have one person who does not know me at all yet they have made such a huge effort to keep in touch to make sure I get out of bed...


Then I have family and 25 year friends and associates you don't reply to emails at all...

 I know that its hard to face a father or mother Who has lost there child...and the more time that has passed... The harder it is...to pick up the phone and ask
"Hi how are you?"

And I'm hyper sensitive to about everything...

Overall..... I have great people around me, and those that I call friend today... Are truly my friends for ever...

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11am today:

As I sit in a doctors office waiting typing this blog, I wonder,

I wonder if hiltons OK, did I do the right thing, are my kids gonna be ok, when will the heart ache stop, when will I be able to sleep at night,

Well hilton: over the years you have taught me so much about me,
life and parenting...

Now at the end your life your gonna be teaching me the greatest lesson
 and as soon as I understand what I'm learning I'm gonna share it with others....
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___________________________
Its a shit journey, I hate it but by the grace of GOD, it is my destiny...

Death

Eugene lakes funeral

 Riddled with anxiety waiting for one of the three people who dislike ( wish bad thing on me) and would cause a scene or harm me emotionally or phiscally upon there arrival ...and wreck this shitty  experience for me and Rods family even more.... Then what it is...

Last time one of may staff saw one of these people the told my staffer, that they wanted to beat the shit out of me the next time they saw me...

Nice eh..

Anyway.. Anxiety riddled..
 standing  with
my back against the wall, alone, only the company of two security guards..... Wanting to be alone....

My back hurts, my body is sore,.my chest is so tight,
 Not from effort or working out  but from heart ache and loss...

I'm so fucking tired. Yet I can't sleep...

Looking up from my blackberry to watch a slide show of eugene lake.  Age 49 father of eight children


Rod murray strolls beside me eugenes father'n law... I whispered to rod,
I feel like a beaten dog...

Rod said: over his reading glasses and  beer on his breath....

Tim, do ya know what a beaten dog does, he licks his nuts and gets up and keeps going...


No laughter.. He winked and strolls  away....

Show begins......
Great slide show , lots of people....200 maybe 300 watching ... Awesome,

 I just hate being here alone

And that country music can't they play it backwards...

I feel like my world is so small, and I'm in a bubble.. And every one is watching  yet nobody really cares... Yet I'm really sensitive to everyone watching...

Leeann I'm  so sorry .....

Celina I'm so sorry.....


Hilton I'm so sorry,


The music leeann pick is so sad, I hate it..... I want to vomit in my own mouth.
 Its 4:08pm
The tears, non stop tears and physical chest pain... Tight...

I feel sterilised, washed up and fuck up.... I can't  look and every song finishes with a little silence, and I thinks its over and another one starts.... Another sad song and another bunch of pics, I'm tired of watching and now I sound so selfish, washed out with guilt because I'm hurting for myself not leeann

Bad thing come in threes... Right GOD... Fuck'n better be right, cause I have had enough.... Really that's  enough... I need time to heal, I need time to breath I need time to live...


Rod and Audrey You rock, I can feel your love,

Its the end of another week, thank you god for letting me survive...

I love you hilton....

79 days , eugene lake may he rest in peace

Then ... Today..... Fuck me ......... Today....
Another Team member...

So ......
On monday jan 10th 2011 of last week my first day back from a shitty holiday... I went up to eugene's house to pick up the stadia truck...

Eugene won't be coming back to work... He has Cancer ......fucking Cancer...stage 4


So when I picked up the truck I said good bye for ever..
7 days later today
...... this afternoon at 4:30pm Eugene passed away...


Hilton age 20, danny age 49 and Eugene age 49 ... All gone in 79 days...


Leanne, celina.... Ladies... I'm truly sorry for your loss...

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78 days

And I just finished the worst week ever....

And its the beginning of another..
I was a emotional wreck last week,  tough really tough and so hard to quantify in words..


I really tired of being sad, lonely and missing hilton...

I feel desperate at times.... Like there is no place to turn
_________________________
anxiety rules my life. And I fight to keep it back...

Flash backs... Lots of weird flash backs...
___________________________

Being alone at night awake with my thoughts are making me go crazy.

Meeting people  post Hiltons death OMG is killing me, I get really nervous knowing im gonna have to deal with the. " How are you?"

Yet, I love hearing how great he was , strories, and that the furneral was the best ever..
But..............
Each person I see its like a marathon...out of breath...  needing to run another kilometre but this marathon is not stopping
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Cope sober... That what I chant to my staff...hilton and danny, both member of the stadia/ byrne family both passed away within 50 days of each other.. All the guys and girls in my office have been in a weird zombie state,

So getting drunk or high right now would be a crutch you can get off of later

___________________________

Mark

I went into kenmark shop this week,

Mark came up to me a young goodlooking mnan about 22  , I have seen him before,
And he was apprehensive about approaching me
Mark said:
"Can I tell you a story?" ....

I leaned on the counter and said yes with a cocked eye brow,

He said'

"I have seen you in the store a few time.. And I just didn't know how to come to you... And tell you..

A week maybe 10 days  ago I had a dream about Hilton....

( My eyes widened, )

He held his hand up and said its all good.... ( I guess I look worried)
Mark continued quietly,

I was dreaming about travelling in a car it was over crowd but the only person I could see was hilton...

He was happy and said he missed everyone
He was drinking coffee...

Then we were at a fountain, a large water fountain, and it was beautiful big water fountain sitting in the front of it

I ask hilton what was going on?....

Hilton replied, sipping his coffee,

I'm  really good, I just miss everyone, and I'm only aloud to come her e a few times so... It hard but I really good,
...... I miss everyone a lot...

Then mark look up from the counter, through his glasses and said..

Then hilton just walk away the dream just ended....

It was so vivid......,

I'm so sorry I was not as his funeral,

I really like hilton...


My mom died in july, and I dreamed about her to..

"Mark"  I said: " how old was your mom"....???

( You can see mark is a young man maybe 22)
Mark replied slowely :

" She was 51 .....breast cancer"
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Silence
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Did ya get a chance to say good by I replied slowly

Mark said yep...

I said sweet,

Then a customer un knowing of our emotional deep conversation approached mark  and ask about some sock .....
( Boom back to reality)

I ran away.. To the back of the store and home....

In tears....
Because I wish I could have that dream.....


Thank you...
Mark

Hilti, I hope your ok,

I love you

Dad