Friday, January 28, 2011

Grieving/ healing and the blog

Its hard to tell anyone what is going on in my families life or my head
, the blog is such a small snipit into what I'm feeling , who hilton was, and the stories my girls will want 30 years from now.

The blog is for no one else but me and my girls.
If your a reader its a luxury, and if you don't like it or you think its stupid, DON'T read it...
Saying that, I think there are hundreds of people reading, that need the blog

Insight to the human physics and spirit, looking into the soul of suffering, and learn from another's pain....
90 days after losing your child.

I have had people tell me to get up and start living!

I have had people tell me to live in the now?

I have people tell me they hate the blog!

I have people asking  me why am I writing? ??
Because sometimes it sound spiteful?

I have people tell me they are sorry?

I have people tell me they understand?

I have people tell me they will never understand?.

I have people ask me when I will stop writting on the blog,, because its morbid, and depressing and that I should stop living like this...

WOW - stuff....EH...

I write the blog for "ME", its a selfish piece of writting that allows me to find my way,  no grammer, no editing... Just me, ME, ME!

Grieving is a process I have be told and despite we all do it differently or at a different pace.... Its a process..

Being lost out of control in pain, unable to control my sadness... Is all new to me.
And my family,

And then to participate in a world that is moving faster then you are... Complicates
Your grieving world.

When your child is born you make plans, you invision all these great things, hockey star, Olympic champ, great actor, polite kind, well educated child that finds happiness, is great at what they do, they carry your DNA, and you honour them by telling  anyone who listens how great your kids are ... a blink they are stolen from you....death/ killed sa come to there injuries .. Dreams end,

And you are left to wonder, what should have been, alone ... Scared of what tomorrow brings...  Because your child the person you were living through, is , gone...

A long the way of this grieving journey you start to learn who are you are, who you're friends are,
 who stands beside you no matter what,

And you learn all about your family, who care, and never did....

All new information about the human connection.

I have allowed more people in to my life in the last 100 days and I have cut people and huge amount of people loose... Anyone who could hurt me emotional, or effect my family  living in the now
Weird, Over the last weeks since christmas it has been harder now to deal with my loss , more then ever,

And meeting people is the worst,

Kellie ask me the other day,
Tim, when some one comes up to you and discusses family and say "how many kids do you have?" - how do you answer?

I fucking curl up in a ball.. And die inside...
This is multiply choice:
1) Run a way
2) Say three and ignore the fact one is dead
3) Break out in tears and say two.
4) Do not get in a situation where you have to answer those questions...

My therapist says to just get it out on the table, its yours and you own it.

Like an alcoholic... Admit it...

In the same answer he said: try to pick and choose those moments.

By the way I just simplified 8 hours of therapy to 60 words..... Its not that easy..
I have just come out of a big dark place, this last 2 weeks,

I sent out some text/ bbm's and email.
reaching out for some emotional contact, and ... Its surprising how many people don't respond....
Its also surprising who does respond...

Its funny I have one person who does not know me at all yet they have made such a huge effort to keep in touch to make sure I get out of bed...

Then I have family and 25 year friends and associates you don't reply to emails at all...

 I know that its hard to face a father or mother Who has lost there child...and the more time that has passed... The harder it pick up the phone and ask
"Hi how are you?"

And I'm hyper sensitive to about everything...

Overall..... I have great people around me, and those that I call friend today... Are truly my friends for ever...

11am today:

As I sit in a doctors office waiting typing this blog, I wonder,

I wonder if hiltons OK, did I do the right thing, are my kids gonna be ok, when will the heart ache stop, when will I be able to sleep at night,

Well hilton: over the years you have taught me so much about me,
life and parenting...

Now at the end your life your gonna be teaching me the greatest lesson
 and as soon as I understand what I'm learning I'm gonna share it with others....
Its a shit journey, I hate it but by the grace of GOD, it is my destiny...

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