SWAP MEET 2009 - Hilton at Roarockit.JPG

Its so nice when people find photos and bring them forward...

From the book of winne the pooh, from julie...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - dr. Seuss.

I like that message a lot...

Grieving/ healing and the blog

Its hard to tell anyone what is going on in my families life or my head
, the blog is such a small snipit into what I'm feeling , who hilton was, and the stories my girls will want 30 years from now.

The blog is for no one else but me and my girls.
If your a reader its a luxury, and if you don't like it or you think its stupid, DON'T read it...
Saying that, I think there are hundreds of people reading, that need the blog

Insight to the human physics and spirit, looking into the soul of suffering, and learn from another's pain....
--------------------------------------
90 days after losing your child.

I have had people tell me to get up and start living!

I have had people tell me to live in the now?

I have people tell me they hate the blog!

I have people asking  me why am I writing? ??
Because sometimes it sound spiteful?

I have people tell me they are sorry?

I have people tell me they understand?

I have people tell me they will never understand?.

I have people ask me when I will stop writting on the blog,, because its morbid, and depressing and that I should stop living like this...


WOW - stuff....EH...
__________________________

I write the blog for "ME", its a selfish piece of writting that allows me to find my way,  no grammer, no editing... Just me, ME, ME!

Grieving is a process I have be told and despite we all do it differently or at a different pace.... Its a process..

Being lost out of control in pain, unable to control my sadness... Is all new to me.
And my family,

And then to participate in a world that is moving faster then you are... Complicates
Your grieving world.

When your child is born you make plans, you invision all these great things, hockey star, Olympic champ, great actor, polite kind, well educated child that finds happiness, is great at what they do, they carry your DNA, and you honour them by telling  anyone who listens how great your kids are ... Then...in a blink they are stolen from you....death/ killed sa come to there injuries .. Dreams end,

And you are left to wonder, what should have been, alone ... Scared of what tomorrow brings...  Because your child the person you were living through, is , gone...

A long the way of this grieving journey you start to learn who are you are, who you're friends are,
 who stands beside you no matter what,

And you learn all about your family, who care, and never did....

All new information about the human connection.

I have allowed more people in to my life in the last 100 days and I have cut people and huge amount of people loose... Anyone who could hurt me emotional, or effect my family  living in the now
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weird, Over the last weeks since christmas it has been harder now to deal with my loss , more then ever,

And meeting people is the worst,

Kellie ask me the other day,
Tim, when some one comes up to you and discusses family and say "how many kids do you have?" - how do you answer?

I fucking curl up in a ball.. And die inside...
Or...
This is multiply choice:
1) Run a way
2) Say three and ignore the fact one is dead
3) Break out in tears and say two.
4) Do not get in a situation where you have to answer those questions...
----------------------------

My therapist says to just get it out on the table, its yours and you own it.

Like an alcoholic... Admit it...

In the same answer he said: try to pick and choose those moments.

By the way I just simplified 8 hours of therapy to 60 words..... Its not that easy..
------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
I have just come out of a big dark place, this last 2 weeks,

I sent out some text/ bbm's and email.
reaching out for some emotional contact, and ... Its surprising how many people don't respond....
Its also surprising who does respond...


Its funny I have one person who does not know me at all yet they have made such a huge effort to keep in touch to make sure I get out of bed...


Then I have family and 25 year friends and associates you don't reply to emails at all...

 I know that its hard to face a father or mother Who has lost there child...and the more time that has passed... The harder it is...to pick up the phone and ask
"Hi how are you?"

And I'm hyper sensitive to about everything...

Overall..... I have great people around me, and those that I call friend today... Are truly my friends for ever...

------------------------------------
11am today:

As I sit in a doctors office waiting typing this blog, I wonder,

I wonder if hiltons OK, did I do the right thing, are my kids gonna be ok, when will the heart ache stop, when will I be able to sleep at night,

Well hilton: over the years you have taught me so much about me,
life and parenting...

Now at the end your life your gonna be teaching me the greatest lesson
 and as soon as I understand what I'm learning I'm gonna share it with others....
------------------------------------
___________________________
Its a shit journey, I hate it but by the grace of GOD, it is my destiny...

Death

Eugene lakes funeral

 Riddled with anxiety waiting for one of the three people who dislike ( wish bad thing on me) and would cause a scene or harm me emotionally or phiscally upon there arrival ...and wreck this shitty  experience for me and Rods family even more.... Then what it is...

Last time one of may staff saw one of these people the told my staffer, that they wanted to beat the shit out of me the next time they saw me...

Nice eh..

Anyway.. Anxiety riddled..
 standing  with
my back against the wall, alone, only the company of two security guards..... Wanting to be alone....

My back hurts, my body is sore,.my chest is so tight,
 Not from effort or working out  but from heart ache and loss...

I'm so fucking tired. Yet I can't sleep...

Looking up from my blackberry to watch a slide show of eugene lake.  Age 49 father of eight children


Rod murray strolls beside me eugenes father'n law... I whispered to rod,
I feel like a beaten dog...

Rod said: over his reading glasses and  beer on his breath....

Tim, do ya know what a beaten dog does, he licks his nuts and gets up and keeps going...


No laughter.. He winked and strolls  away....

Show begins......
Great slide show , lots of people....200 maybe 300 watching ... Awesome,

 I just hate being here alone

And that country music can't they play it backwards...

I feel like my world is so small, and I'm in a bubble.. And every one is watching  yet nobody really cares... Yet I'm really sensitive to everyone watching...

Leeann I'm  so sorry .....

Celina I'm so sorry.....


Hilton I'm so sorry,


The music leeann pick is so sad, I hate it..... I want to vomit in my own mouth.
 Its 4:08pm
The tears, non stop tears and physical chest pain... Tight...

I feel sterilised, washed up and fuck up.... I can't  look and every song finishes with a little silence, and I thinks its over and another one starts.... Another sad song and another bunch of pics, I'm tired of watching and now I sound so selfish, washed out with guilt because I'm hurting for myself not leeann

Bad thing come in threes... Right GOD... Fuck'n better be right, cause I have had enough.... Really that's  enough... I need time to heal, I need time to breath I need time to live...


Rod and Audrey You rock, I can feel your love,

Its the end of another week, thank you god for letting me survive...

I love you hilton....

79 days , eugene lake may he rest in peace

Then ... Today..... Fuck me ......... Today....
Another Team member...

So ......
On monday jan 10th 2011 of last week my first day back from a shitty holiday... I went up to eugene's house to pick up the stadia truck...

Eugene won't be coming back to work... He has Cancer ......fucking Cancer...stage 4


So when I picked up the truck I said good bye for ever..
7 days later today
...... this afternoon at 4:30pm Eugene passed away...


Hilton age 20, danny age 49 and Eugene age 49 ... All gone in 79 days...


Leanne, celina.... Ladies... I'm truly sorry for your loss...

________________________________________________________

78 days

And I just finished the worst week ever....

And its the beginning of another..
I was a emotional wreck last week,  tough really tough and so hard to quantify in words..


I really tired of being sad, lonely and missing hilton...

I feel desperate at times.... Like there is no place to turn
_________________________
anxiety rules my life. And I fight to keep it back...

Flash backs... Lots of weird flash backs...
___________________________

Being alone at night awake with my thoughts are making me go crazy.

Meeting people  post Hiltons death OMG is killing me, I get really nervous knowing im gonna have to deal with the. " How are you?"

Yet, I love hearing how great he was , strories, and that the furneral was the best ever..
But..............
Each person I see its like a marathon...out of breath...  needing to run another kilometre but this marathon is not stopping
__________________________
Cope sober... That what I chant to my staff...hilton and danny, both member of the stadia/ byrne family both passed away within 50 days of each other.. All the guys and girls in my office have been in a weird zombie state,

So getting drunk or high right now would be a crutch you can get off of later

___________________________

Mark

I went into kenmark shop this week,

Mark came up to me a young goodlooking mnan about 22  , I have seen him before,
And he was apprehensive about approaching me
Mark said:
"Can I tell you a story?" ....

I leaned on the counter and said yes with a cocked eye brow,

He said'

"I have seen you in the store a few time.. And I just didn't know how to come to you... And tell you..

A week maybe 10 days  ago I had a dream about Hilton....

( My eyes widened, )

He held his hand up and said its all good.... ( I guess I look worried)
Mark continued quietly,

I was dreaming about travelling in a car it was over crowd but the only person I could see was hilton...

He was happy and said he missed everyone
He was drinking coffee...

Then we were at a fountain, a large water fountain, and it was beautiful big water fountain sitting in the front of it

I ask hilton what was going on?....

Hilton replied, sipping his coffee,

I'm  really good, I just miss everyone, and I'm only aloud to come her e a few times so... It hard but I really good,
...... I miss everyone a lot...

Then mark look up from the counter, through his glasses and said..

Then hilton just walk away the dream just ended....

It was so vivid......,

I'm so sorry I was not as his funeral,

I really like hilton...


My mom died in july, and I dreamed about her to..

"Mark"  I said: " how old was your mom"....???

( You can see mark is a young man maybe 22)
Mark replied slowely :

" She was 51 .....breast cancer"
--------------------------------
Silence
----------------------------------

Did ya get a chance to say good by I replied slowly

Mark said yep...

I said sweet,

Then a customer un knowing of our emotional deep conversation approached mark  and ask about some sock .....
( Boom back to reality)

I ran away.. To the back of the store and home....

In tears....
Because I wish I could have that dream.....


Thank you...
Mark

Hilti, I hope your ok,

I love you

Dad

The Lost Tapes

Mark

I went into kenmark shop this week,

Mark came up to me a young goodlooking mnan about 22 , I have seen him before,
And he was apprehensive about approaching me
Mark said:
"Can I tell you a story?" ....

I leaned on the counter and said yes with a cocked eye brow,

He said'

"I have seen you in the store a few time.. And I just didn't know how to come to you... And tell you..

A week maybe 10 days ago I had a dream about Hilton....

( My eyes widened, )

He held his hand up and said its all good.... ( I guess I look worried)
Mark continued quietly,

I was dreaming about travelling in a car it was over crowd but the only person I could see was hilton...

He was happy and said he missed everyone
He was drinking coffee...

Then we were at a fountain, a large water fountain, and it was beautiful big water fountain sitting in the front of it

I ask hilton what was going on?....

Hilton replied, sipping his coffee,

I'm really good, I just miss everyone, and I'm only aloud to come her e a few times so... It hard but I really good,
...... I miss everyone a lot...

Then mark look up from the counter, through his glasses and said..

Then hilton just walk away the dream just ended....

It was so vivid......,

I'm so sorry I was not as his funeral,

I really like hilton...


My mom died in july, and I dreamed about her to..

"Mark" I said: " how old was your mom"....???

( You can see mark is a young man maybe 22)
Mark replied slowely :

" She was 51 .....breast cancer"
--------------------------------
Silence
----------------------------------

Did ya get a chance to say good by I replied slowly

Mark said yep...

I said sweet,

Then a customer un knowing of our emotional deep conversation approached mark and ask about some sock .....
( Boom back to reality)

I ran away.. To the back of the store and home....

In tears....
Because I wish I could have that dream.....


Thank you...
Mark

Hilti, I hope your ok,

I love you

Dad

Peaches is so tired unpacking from our trip

THE EDGE: pole #7: Never bury your child first.

Its jan 7th 2011, its 10:41am
minus 8 ,
winds out of the north west at about 15km ,
little sun, a grey friday, kellie , kat, georg and I rode up the mont tremblant chair lift called the edge, for experts only, ... It feels colder........

Its 10:30am....

-----------------------------------
( Rewind)
All week the edge was not open, and I said to the girls we would have to come back...to complete our task..

And then thursday jan 6 th, as we rode to the top of the summit, there on the reader board a green light came on the edge...its now open...

That night after dinner, as we start to get tired and sleepy , kat and I crawled into our room, and from my vantage point I could not see Kats face, but I could here her typing on her blackberry to Dan. It was about 11:38pm thursday night and I whispered in a dark room..." The edge is open". "We are gonna do it, tomorrow, ok"

No reply.... Was needed....none was given..

As I dosed off, I knew kat was wide awake,
knowing we had a job to do when we came here and the week was almost done, and it was time... To do the worst job of my life...
-----------------------------------
7:21am
jan 7th 2011
We woke up and had some boil eggs with cheese whiz toast finger and got dressed, kat got hilton and slipped him in her pocket, it seems kat is the holder of hilton on all these trips... And we grabbed our boards and started our journey to the bottom of the hill from our condo, it hasn't snowed here in 4 days, it was 8:57am kinda sunny friday so far...

we made it to the bottom, everyone takes there boards off, I get some lift tickets for $5000.00 ( just kidding) and I strolled to vanhouttes coffee house to get a cup for the ride up the gondola, to the summit,
Drives the girls nuts that I take this 5 minutes to get coffee,
9:42am
As we get to the top, we head to the south side, fast and hard, a thigh burner ride and
back up we go on a quad chair, this time with the emotional intention to take our journey to the conclusion...

Up the Duncan chair its 15 minute chair, if it does not get stuck... Its a cold ride, and now the laughter and jokes slowly dried up as we all knew what was coming..

Now back at the summit for a 2cd time today...., we make our way north to the back side of tremblant , down we go, fast strong and quiet.... I could hear the snow cut on the edge of my board, like sand paper on wood, like the sound of a car skidding on a gravel road, turn by turn...
To a base area with another quad chair lift, this one is empty

Its jan 7th 2011, 10:41am minus 8 , winds out of the north west at about 15 km , little sun, a grey friday, kellie , kat, georg and I get on this cold chair, its the mont tremblant chair lift called the edge, for experts only,

As we get on the chair lift the chairs in front are empty,

Kat is crying quietly
Kellie says nothing

Georg is listening to some song that say "touch my pea cock" ... something not right about that....??? As a parent I find it odd, but it has a catchy jingle...

We reach the top, and prior we discussed that every one after our job is done, can leave at there own time and we will all meet at the base.... All trails lead down hill as the say...

Its 10:56am

We are at the top of the mont tremblant area called the Edge ; for experts only"

I have been bringing Hilton and Kat to the Edge for 13 years... Its a huge steep, with a ton of 300 year old trees,
Glade sking and boarding is the best , fast , dangerous, bumpy, soft snow, little jumps, no crowds, ian lazenby came here on his first day on a snow board 10 years ago... Remember ian............ I do.....

I can remember it being so foggy that we would play marko- polo in the forest while on our boards.. Never any wind, lots of little jumps, pretty, very quiet, you can here ever edge cut.. Little echos of people giggling, playing... The smell of pot ( this is canada)

We come down the well groomed steep face of the run called the Edge...to chair lift POLE #7 , right across is the flat tree glades, right there is a huge pine tree, and a stump of an old tree right in front,

I take off my board,
Georg, kat and kellie follow, and take there boards off, and walk into the trees,

Kat takes hilton from her pocket

Un screws the lid of the small urn,

Falls to her knees in the snow facing down hill in front of the stump....

And with her goggles on...

Opens the lid of the urn

I clean the stump of snow

Kat pours hiltons ashes out slowly,

11:12am

This tasks is like having stomach flu...and your gonna vomit... You don't want to vomit, but you know you have too...

You know its coming out, you try to stop it, but you know you'll feel better once its over,
You heave and ache, hold back, not wanting this to be real,

Kat pours those ashes on to the wood stump................., in silence, we all watched in disbelief that we were pouring the ashes of our brother and son....

We stood in the snow and cried,

I said out loud: " you were supposed to bury me first, these should be my ashes here and it should be me"...

I love you buddy, I said in a winney voice, cracked with emotion...

We all sobbed, out loud, not sure what to do,

our 2cd journey is done.....

We sat there ,
and yes I took photos...

As we gather our composure chipped off those frozen tears, we climbed back over to our boards

Kat rode off in silence, her heart broken... Her big brother dead and gone for ever...
Its 11:23am

Its been 67 days since my son died. FUCK ME......

Kellie put her stuff on and went slowly off...

I bent down to help georg with her binding s, because of the sharp slope we were on....

as georg and I sit on the edge of a crack in-between the trail and the forest... She looked at me
And
Gerog says: " if it makes you feel any better we are sitting in a crevasse"
GOD I love her......
Its 11:37am
I think that would is funny because it has the word " Ass" in it... Its a tim byrne family joke... Don't ask.. Thanks for making me laugh georg... I love you..

If you ever make your way out to mont tremblant... Stop by chair lift pole #7 look for the pine tree, and say hi to hilton... He will watch over you while your on the mountain.

Next stop British Columbia......

Kat ansd georg battle over the Mind

Tough battle????????

hugs or falling over~ kat~ kell.jpg

kat grooming trails on her own.jpg

Emotional painful roller coaster this vacation has been...

Who would of thought going on vacation would be so tough

I lectured my daughters about attitude and treating each other with respect, as a usual sibling fight was not going to be tolerated, and it turns out I'm the one who need an attitude adjustment.....more then them...

Kat gave kellie and I so much shit the other day... She told all of us, that we are gonna stick it out and we need to grow up and do this for hilton....

God I wish I could share the speech... It was the most grown up thing she has ever done....

Sorry girls

Today is thursday,

Georg and I got up and let kat and kellie lay back at the condo,

I actually get along with georg better without kellie or Kat, ( by the way georg spells her name Georg not george, or georgia... Her full name is georga... We in the family call her georg....

anyway.....
I spoil her just as much as mom, but for some reason I feel a sense of freedom, with out being criticised....to speak more at ease.... With her mom not around, which is wrong and even by writing this I'm gonna take a 2x4 in the head...

Today was good boarding, we all had fun, kellie and kat caught up to us at 12:00 noon... For some lunch and afternoon boarding
At 5pm........
Went to "smokies poutinerie"
for anybody from another country...
You have no idea what your missing .. Truly Canadian...

I was thinking.. And igt didn't hurt....

A great story for the family, ciaran david and ian will love this...

Remember when we would come up here there would be 8 maybe 10 people living in the condo for 5 to 7 days in tight quarters...

we would play games... And if hilton s 14 year old teenage attitude got in the way...
Pay back is a bitch.... Playing the board game SURVIVOR....
And we would vote hilton off the game in the first five minutes. And every time we played... Every time...he would get voted off first...
Hilton would get so pissed off.... It was so funny... I guess you had to be there...

And then

There was the time we play cards and hilton was having bowel challenges ( the shits), so Ian would slip Hilton his cards from the bathroom door crack, slipping the cards under the door for hilton to review...
And discuss game option...

And when he was done.... He clogged the toilet and left it for me to un-clog, yet it would not....un-clog...

Yes I plunged and plunges, covered in shit water as you all look on giggling as I yelled from the crapper in rage and in sequence to the plunging

You -PLUNG,GLUCH- left -PLUNG,GLUCH- this -PLUNG,GLUCH- shitty -PLUNG,GLUCH- mess -PLUNG,GLUCH- for me -PLUNG,GLUCH- why am -PLUNG,GLUCH- I -PLUNG,GLUCH- fucking -PLUNG,GLUCH- plunging -PLUNG,GLUCH- some one-PLUNG,GLUCH- else's -PLUNG,GLUCH- shit....

While dirty shit water all over me raging mad.. you all and hilton giggled .....

Wait till I write the story about david running naked through the village during prime time...

Man oh man.... Year after year we have had great memories and have learned a ton about each other and have learned to love each other..... On these trips to tremblant...

Maybe its a " had to be there" story... Sorry if you don't find it funny...

-----------------------------------
So
Its so hard to explain what I have gone through so far..
This trip...

But I will try....

Is more confusing then a Picasso painting

It like a collage...... Of emotions smeared blood stained together,
heart ache, desperation, guilt, sad, loneliness, regret, pissed off, angry, scared, lost, tired, impatient, light headed, dehydrated, raw tears, out of control, anxiety, unable to fix what hurts my family, inability to fix,
feeling useless,
stupid,
memories of the hospital...flashes of shame.... Hurt... So much Hurt....frustrated,

Kellie said we are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.... Like we have fought in a war and have seen such horrible thing that we are unable to function.... It make sense...
-------------------------------
(Or how about Sitting at lunch while on vacation, looking up from your stew in a crowded restaurant to order a diet coke to see your 17 year daughter crying, sobbing...fucking sobbing, ,,,..only to ignore her, not because you don't care, but because this is our new norm , is really fuck up but its our normal now.... )) And I can't fix it anyway... Feeling useless, I just order my Coke...
-----------------------------------
I snow boarded so hard and cried every time in my goggles...
------------------------------------
After being here for five days today was the first day I felt a little normal.. Because the rest of this trip has been crazy for my family and I.....

I have never looked at the blog or read anything that I have written.....I must sound insane.... Fucking insane...
------------------------------------
Hilton would want georg, kat, kellie and I to keep living and push through the pain and never give up... Be positive, find ourselves in all this shit... Never forget... But keep moving...
-----------------------------------

Ps: I hope that some other parent reads this , some other parent whether you lost a child or not, and I hope this helps someone..

Tim, kat and georg

Sitting on the hill..... Hungry, want poutine,???

Kellie, kat and the georg

Posers

Mont-Tremblant-kellie crash whalen....

Mont-Tremblant-super moose-lee and kellie......

Mont-Tremblant-kat, moose-lee, colin a sleep

Mont-Tremblant-kat in he gondola

Sunny

Sticky Peach ... Seem she is running the office and is hold staff hostage

Sitting on the top of the hill in sunshine

Today,

I had a fight with kellie about georga, over nothing at the end of the day...

She wants to go home , I agreed that I would go home..

At the end of it neither of us went home...

Writing this reads silly, I'm sure we sounded stupid.

The girls went inside and I boarded by myself
-4
sunny,
with a wisp of snow,
no wind....
2pm....
It was a beautiful afternoon and I bust out in tears.
Un fucking controllable.......

So fuck up,
I can believe it,

I'm sure 10-20-30 years from now my kids are gonna read this and wonder where I was coming from..


Sitting in the snow, crying sobbing ,
I wanted to turn back time , and keep Hilton on life support,
the guilt over ran me today...
Why WHY the fuck...... Fuck I feel so guilty today.... Sitting in the snow...
I miss Hilton,

Goerg and kat wish everyone could be here on the mountain with us, hilton , ciaran ian and david........
-------------------------------
Son of a bitch...... MF'er

I so tired of not sleeping

I'm so tire of the waves of sadness,

I'm so fed up with feeling lonely

Or having flashes of hilton in the hospital..


Its been a little over 63 days since he died.....

Kellie says we have post traumatic stress disorder....


I'm sure she is right......


I went back to the condo,

Saw the girls, laid in my bed,

Georga has come into my room to make sure I'm ok...... Her and I made up this afternoon...
I love her so much , she a good girl...

We are going swiming...

Done....
Actually georg is nagging me to stop typing and come swimming

Mont-Tremblant-missing the gang

Mont-Tremblant georg and dad

Dad trying on hats with KAT.....

Mont-Tremblant 2011 with the girls....

NEW YEARS DAY 2011 : a year of firsts- fuck that....... Ya know..

I spent new years day completing a worlds land speed record to mont tremblant... "Home to condo"- with lunch in 5hours :45minutes...

Quiet roads, easy drive across highway 7.... To rockland.... Over the river on a car fairy .... In quebec, on a beautiful road called the 323. Big curves, long tree line passages, rolling hills,

We were all out of bed by 5:30am

Packed and on the road with coffee from timmys by 7:30am

We talk the whole time , little power naps, from kat and georg,

I asked kellie if she wanted to drive.... At that point she dozed off to sleep to.... ( Just kidding)

I really wanted this trip with my family!!!!!

Georga was so excited to go,!!!!

now we are here and my stomach is in knots...

Every year we would come here, most of those years with a young man named Ian lazenby..... And his brothers on and off,

( Ian doesn't come anymore...)

Hilton and I would always be the ones who lugged the heavy stuff out of the truck, even if the girls were there it seem like it was just us...

And as he got older, he got stronger and would carry more...

We hatted unloading , yet I always kinda like watching this boys strength over the years become a mans strength , and he would take my drill sargent s orders
like he would "get'r-done" bull in a china store attitude

Strong arrogant young man strength .....

I loved watching him become stronger over the years... Once complaining about unloading the truck became a father and son chore that we could laugh and play at doing...... Discussing How riding would be this year, or what we forgot at home....
What new equipment we would need.... Want....

Just being men...... Unloading the truck for our girls......kellie, kat and georg...
Hmmmmmmmmmmm fuck I miss him........
-----------------------------
Its now 11:30pm in our condo, .... I lay in bed everyone asleep.....

Silence...... The night time silence........ Trapped with my own thoughts......
Our neighbours above us are loud banging,
kat is awake and I ask her how to spell Neighbour..... Only to realize she is completely awake.......

I wonder what she is thinking.....

I have spent the whole day holding back tears,
--------------------------
...........Once we got settled hilton would spend the next hours setting his binding on his board...... All the tools out.

I would set a couple of beers , root beers in the fridge.... So he and I and georg would go to the hot tub with cans of the hard stuff........

Hilton and I. ( And georg) loved the root beer in the hot tub......
-----------------------------

We are going to spread some more of hiltons ashes some time this week when we have courage.

--------------------------------

I'm sure I will enter more into the blog this week,

Its almost midnight....

Its gonna be (-1) tomorrow ... Good day for riding buddy,

Its gonna be a sweet ride....
Tomorrow....
--------------------------------
Can't sleep don't want to write anymore... Thumbs are sore......

Sweet dreams
God bless
Don't let the bed bugs bite...

Snowboarding yesterday, : emotional check in

As a father who has lost his son I want to explain to my great great grand children how I feel....
This blog will become a record for my family.

•I have had friends and people around me tell me I'm in a new club so small and such a private club that no one knows who is a member, and. Its such an exclusive club.... That know wants to be member, THE LOSS OF A CHILD club.

my relationship was awesome,
we were father and son, we loved, fighted, yelled , hugged, played, worked, .screams, shared, napped, traveled, challenged each other ever day, we lived together, we bitched at each other for hot water....
I taught him how to go pee..... In the potty....
I taught him how to ride a bike.

I told hilt if he wanted to fight someone he could fight me...

I have screamed at him

I have hugged him

I have sorry to him

I loved him....

When we weren't together we missed each other.

His name was hilton, hilti, hilto, hilts, retard, goof, ass,

I loved him,

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Dec 27 2010

Today while snow boarding I would cry while going down the hill, tears in my eyes, my throat closed up, almost gasping for air,

I can't help to think what would be ........

What he would do, were he and I would travel... Watching his dreams come true, get married, love , have kids....
Oh my god... Have kids! ....

Or how about run stadia/Byrne....

Hilton had just found himself this last year, ask anybody at my office hilton was going to be a leader,

I just plain and simply miss him...

I want him back...

All this with music blasting in my head and my two girls in front shredding turns so hard.
I'm sure their minds are racing fast like mine...

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Dec 29 2010

As every ones life keeps moving forward, my life stands still,

I get so fuck up when people ask me how my holiday was .........

I feel like every person I meet I want to blurt out my son is dead......

It like a big pink elephant in the room , I'm a LCBO commercial....
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I just want this pain to stop, I want to stop managing my tears.... And random emotions...
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My mom quit the blog, it was killing her,

Some friends send me email now and then and check in.... Even if I don't reply I need that....I need those email, its nice to know people are still there and give a shit.
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Dec 30th 2010

Having lunch with one of my senior team members... And as I spoke about the company and this persons career.... I kept feeling like I was going to cry or just cry.... It must have been the fucking strangest lunches.....for this person.....

I don't go to the office often, and I feel very overwhelm by the experience.....

As we got back that afternoon.... We had heard another stadia solider had taken turn.... But this person just keeps on going....

I wish I could tell you everything I know about this person.... But I can't.

I can tell you he is a strong and with huge pride and loyalty to his family... And I'm honoured I know him.