Wednesday, December 29, 2010

From katie byrne Hiltons cousin

A memory

After my Dads second wedding, all the cousins including myself and Hilton got driven home in a limosine. The driver went all out and even put the partition up...which was a bad idea considering the vivid imagination of the Byrne family, combined with Mine and Hiltons sense of humour. Once the partition had been raised we told everyone that it was because the driver was going to release a gas that would kill us or knock us out. We laughed and Kat, Alex, Jess, and Sydney proceeded to bawl loudly all the way home.

Hilton was a good friend to me, on top of being my cousin. It was nice to have somebody who was on the same level as you to chat with during family functions or outings. Hilton and I were just starting to become buddies, and I am so sad that that got cut short and that we couldnt have shared more time together. Im sorry we never got those drinks, or took those motorcycle lessons. But I am glad we had time to talk, call alex idiot, pick stawberries, and visit Nana, Len and GG at rice lake. I cant believe youre gone Hilti, its really not fair, and those are thoughts that will repeat in my mind probably forever. There was so much about Hilton you instictively loved.

The full body laugh, his sense of humour and his company are things that cannot be replaced, ever. Since his passing it has been so hard to adjust. The displacement i feel in the family will not be easily remedied. It is absolutely exhausting when there is so much change in your life that you can feel it down to your core, in your bones, in the steps you take everyday. But thats not something you can just sleep off. Every jeep you see, every stadia truck, every beatles song you hear, every ill humoured book, and especially any longboarder you see reminds you of everything about our Hilton. It hurts so much knowing that it cant be anything more than a memory, no matter how much you cry, want or hope.

That said, i know that any pain i feel will only resonate into a stronger memory. Hilton is somebody who has to be celebrated, he was too full of life not to be. We have to remember the good times, the funny times, and even the bad times, because those moments are what made Hilton into the person he became. And lets face it, he was a great person.

We all love you Hilton
and there is no way you will ever be forgotten


Love Katie

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The big finish boxing day family dinner

No shit shows at dinner....

As my family and close friends gathered for dinner the 15+ of us sat a huge table full of food and laughter.....

No one said Hiltons name...

Not a word....


We laughed and talked, you could tell that everyone was avoiding it,

Usually I like to crack a joke about the big pink elephant in the room.....

But to today, tonight was not the time and place....
Everyone was missing Hilton beyond belief, and no one wanted the shit show...


We just need to get through this..

Be strong,

I know that all of us on our drives home will discuss the courage and strength... And how surprisingly well the night went considering the opportunity for failure..

------------------------------
my mom ask a month ago should we even have a big dinner? And I said with out hesitation..."YES, its year of firsts and new starts with out hilton"...." And if we don't keep facing our fears our fears will eat us up"-... Hilton wants us to continue living...
He loved christmas ... He loved the family get together....
-----------------
we will celebrate christmas and all family gatherings in HILTONS honour....


2010 is almost done, thanks god "new years eve" is not a big deal....

Yet our up come trip mont tremblant is.... Ouch...
We have gone in the first week of january to
mont tremblant every year for 13+ years maybe more... Since hilton was 7 or 8....

So many stories....

So this up coming week will be hard....

But my family is strong...

MERRY christmas hilton... Now that its over I'm gonna cry ok... Don't think I'm weak buddy .. I just miss you.... So much...

Love you, miss you,

Good bless
Sweet dreams don't let the bed bugs bite

Ps:

Kellie you better rest if your gonna snow board.......

Half way through Christmas holiday.

Kellie is ok, just sore,
She really scared us the other  night, getting home at 3:30 in the morning....

Kats home from being with her mom....


I have made "stuffing" on my own , no hilton the world best chopper, and prepped veggies with kellie, for tomorrow feast,

In all honest.. Christmas day is more about hiltons hand in the pot rather then chopping... Be he loved to. Hang out with me in the kitchen.

We do our big dinner tomorrow on boxing day, always have, .. It was just easier then christmas day, for the kids moms, everyone grandmas. Nieces...

We have 15 people coming and it should be fun.

Our big gift opening was good, ya know the big rip, no one discussed Hilton, it was like we were all avoiding the Obvious
And it was fun...

At 7:30pm

Georg and I took kellies truck and went to town park for a skate under the lights, great fun, and I loved being with her.

Go home hung our stuff next to the fire,

Walk into the kitchen.
 Kat hug me and I said ......" You having a bad day... She replied quietly.....ever day is a bad day.....

(that about sums it up eh)
-----------------------------------
Dannys wife , love her sends me a text so we can mutually find out how each other is doing and coping.
----------------------------------


At the end of christmas day 2010 I'm not poetic, there is no drama, I'm  tired and its done, thank god its done.....not as bad as I thought , worse then I could ever expect.

Kat and georg chatted about hilton and all the stuff they're  going through, christmas  night 10:30pm ended  with kellie, georg, peaches and me all wedged in my bed passed out , tv still on... Everone snoring...

So I got up and went into kats room and she look like she is ok, a sleep

 so I climbed back in to my corner of my bed and fell asleep.........

Merry christmas HILTON..

I love you buddy....

If you were here
I would say.... And every body reading this blog at this point would say with me

God bless
Sweet dreams
Don't let the bed bugs bite...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Eve.. without hilton...and kellie in hospital....WTF

Christmas day without hilton is like having a peanut butter and jam sandwich without the peanut butter

Its like snowboarding without snow...

Its like sunbathing in the shade

Its like fucking shit..... Its like god fucked you over.


Its like god kicked you in the nuts....

I miss him more then anything ,
 my heart is ripping out of my chest,
 and pounding on the floor, bleeding and I'm watching

I can see him in every corner,
----------------------------------
Kat saw him last night in her dreams ,
Hilton  hugged her, and told her he was ok and when he was done working he would be home for christmas.......
------------------------------------
Motherfucker cock sucker, asshole...
AaaaAaaaaaAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAaaawwwaawwwwww

I would give up my life for his god ,
 take me....
Give him back...

Its not fucking fare... You motherfucker... Its not fare...

I WANT HIM BACK.....
--------------------------------------
Topper

Last night / christmas EVE kat, georg and josef,  and I waited for kellie, as she went to the hospital wilth robin with chest pain, WTF, she has text me all night into the morning....

I have never been so scared, cause me and the girls could not live with anymore loss....

Kat fell asleep on the couch waiting for kellie to tell us she is ok....

Well kellie ann whalen I'm not doing this without you.

I'm not bring up these girls without you.... FUCK YOU... I'm willing every. Drop  of positive energy I have left  to kellie right now...

Stop the chest pain god, let us have some peace in this family....

She made it home safe and sound, and its a bone tissue bruse in her chest.....
Home at 3:30am
Scared the shit out of me...
--------------------------------

Merry christmas kellie, georg and kat...

We are ok.....

Friday, December 24, 2010

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

Lester's Drawing a christmas present....


Dear santa

I hope you had a good year, because my family didn't.

I'm hoping you can bring love and happiness and good stuff for 2011

I'm hoping you can bring good memories of hilton without tears.

Make sure Hilton is ok and is in a good place,


Make sure Hilton helps us and show us he is ok now and then.

God bless Hilton please


Love

Dad.

Ps: georga and I will leave extra carrots for the reindeer....

Pss: how is rudolph?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Gift rapping

As I sit and rap gifts in my living room alone, bows and ribbons everywhere christmas tree lites twinkle......

 I remember how hilton would go shopping. For christmas gift last minute, last year he actually bragged that he left the office at 3pm dec 24 and got home at 6pm before robin and got all his shopping done...heheheh and then ask me to step into my bed room and show me all the gift he bought... For kat, his mom, kellie, georg. Nan...

As he got older he loved to spend his money on gifts,

Hilton loved christmas, time stood still for him,  for the three day christmas eve, christmas day, and boxing day...
Boxing day as the kids got older was the great day, when all the family made there way to our house, for the big dinner..........

I remember when he ask me what to buy kellie and what do I know...... So he bought a dust buster for kel, it was a big gift 50.00 he was 14 maybe 15......

He was so happy.....

Kellie was not so happy....hedheheh. She was- and she wasn't ....ya know....

Today kellie tells me how much she loves it and she still has it, And I don't think she will ever ger rid of it.

Hilton really loved making dinner, peeling carrots, helping me in the kitchen. It was a time for hin and I to bond, we would drink coffe, and laugh tell funny stupid. Family stories....


I have so many memories, christmas is a special time because its a time when the world stops and we can take stock of everyone around us.....

LOVE YOUR CHILDREN they are a gift......



Tuesday, December 21, 2010

hilton loved to learn about new riders

I went to Blue this weekend...

...and I learned to snowboard. Hilton would have been proud. He's been hounding me to learn for ages and would get so stoked every time I told him I wanted to learn. He would have made a damned good teacher. If there's one thing he loved more than longboarding, it was snowboarding.

Just thought I'd share,
- Albert.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Vermont killington, Hiltons first stop, the run is called HIGH Traverse
























After hearing  the devastating news of Danny on the thursday its seemed even more important for Kat and I to get out of  dodge so to speak,
----------------------------------
Thurs dec 16 2010

Danny, what we had thought to be a health guy of 49 years of age, passed away last night, in his wife's arms..

I saw silenna his wife at 9am....  Made sure she was still standing...
And offer support.
Hugs..

Then to the office
( I made that sound so, a matter of fact....it was .not)

After meeting my staff a 2cd time in less the 60 day over a sudden death in stadia family....
Ensuring that we are a family and we must help each other through our grief, and to learn to cope sober,
My staff have now seen the full me,
and the ones that have read this bog...ouch, look out.... They no more about me then me!!!


My office day was done..... Thank christ it was done....

I'm really tired and I feel a head cold coming on....

I have "not" been sick since my life turned  up side down. Not a cold, flu, nothing... This is my bodies way of saying..."shut down now".....

As I got home with peaches( my english bull dog )  by my side, I was heating up a frozen dinner alone,and then  a knock on my door,

There stood,
 robin who is not just a friend but also takes care of me at work...
She is standing in my door with her daughter Julie...

Julie ( age 21)  was in the final doctors meeting regarding my SON hilton,,, I have not seen her since the funeral, and she looks tired, but good, she has had a tough 45 days not only has hilton left us for ever
her own family is going through a rough spot.

As we sat on my couch and shot the shit I realised I had to get going...90 minutes passed

It was Soooo nice to see julie.. She makes me feel warm...

Kat was working at mastermind and wanted me to bring peaches in to see all the girls


And then I had to run and get georg before trampoline u

I'm getting up at 3am
-----------------------------------
Friday dec 17 2010

3:16.am I woken ,  in the shower.... And started to cry ... I sobbed so hard.... My shoulders shuddered in a exhausted heaving uncontrollable... With steam filling the room.... I was in the shower for 30 minutes , not un normal... But usually I'm  do something in  the shower other then cry for 30 minutes.... ( That sounded bad but was not intended)

 As I dry off and get my self together,,

Kat is up and its 4:03 am...and I'm packing up
kat showered the night before and she was packed..

To the kichen , crumpet in the toaster, peanut butter and jam yummy . I started the truck, we pack up.. And we were on our way..

First stop.....you know it....

Tim hortans....

4:30am
On the highway heading south east....  Toward vermont...
--------------------------------------
Kat and I talked the whole way... About fuck all, but it was good, boyfriends, and girlgfriend work , moms, dads, ....

On thesubject of rambling!
A teacher.....
 kats Art teacher told kat on thursday, that she should not be looking for sympathy marks... WTF, kat is a 17 year old girl, and its been 45 days...since...hilton...died... So I think all her teachers should shut up as she goes through a year of firsts....with out hilton.
I'm not sure what her teacher  said but it made kat feel sick....

As we pull into the "iNN on the long trail"....
We meet an old guy name okie.... He is a hippy, that runs the front desk at night, hangs out at the bar.... And talks to all the guests...

If you ever come to killington this is a cute, lovely warm place to come...

Music ever weekend at the bar, with irish gigs

Kat and I settle in to our room, two shit single beds miss match pillows, a shower that is clean , but not fancy.

We rest, have a nap..
Go into town, buy me some goggles and gloves

Back to the room at the iNN... For a nap again, by this time my HEAD COLD is out of control.. And I can't breath and my head hurts...
My skins hurts...

As we go down for dinner irish stew and freshly baked irish soda bread... OMG its so good,

After we finish you can here the irish band next door begin to play,
kat and I make our way over , they have a huge rock set off to one side in the bar,  it a rock that sits half inside and half out side the building / PUB
 They have build seats around it so its part of the decor.. It so cool....

We order a BEER, gunises, I think I'm here for my dad... Son or danny....

We drink the beer kat does not like it,
she sips slow to make me happy....out of respect...

We laugh and clap to a few songs, my head hurts and I have to go to bed,

As we rap it up
Off to bed,
 kat has a shower I take some drugs,
off we go to sleep,
 it seems when your so sick... Morning comes really fast.


It 7:30am the sun is beaming into our window... It is a beautiful cold day -9 maybe a little warmer

We make our way down stairs and sit in front of a window that shows the back of the INN, our view is a majestic Rock 20' high and 8' wide tipped up on edge , it looks like it could roll at any time into the window, small drift of snow, a pine tree grown , clinging from the side of the rock for dear life, ( see the pic) and in this quiet moment kat and I made EYE contact,  old soft sad irish folk music play in the back ground and a tear dropped from her green eyes  on to the linen table cloth... I ask did she have hilton.... And she. Said yes... ( A little black urn)

the lady Who served us  says her last name is BYRNE as well.... And she ask if we needed anything else...
Kat smile and with good manners like I have always shown her
She said sweetly
" No thanks"


We sat there in silence looking out the window at the big rock, for 15 minutes before we moved,
 Kat and I were a little apprehensive about going to the ski hill,

But we made it.... In no rush....

We hit the hill, got in our snow pants, sun was out -5 a little snow, not to crowed, ( killington has rude skiers, compared to other resorts)
-----------------------------------
Last year just after christmas we, kellie, me, hilton, kat  and georg rented a house and came to killington.... One of those day hilton and I took off on our own... And a lot of snow board video was shot here at killington....

So kat and I now where we are going and what we want to snow board...

We stopped for lunch and said its time to find a place for HILTONS  ashes...


After lucnh we hit the snow up one side down the other...of this mountain

I told kat to find a place that would be great for hilton....

She said " no you, "

UuuMmmm KAt.... ( What do I say..... Ok fine?

As we went down the hill there was the moment,
The trees covered in ice, drips of sunlight between snow flakes
The view was great you could see the gondola to the lower left and the valley beyond that...
 the RUN was called

 High Traverse-

We stopped,
 I behind kat sitting in the snow...

 kat, cried sitting 3 feet In front of me her back to me, but I can hear her wimper, shoulders slightly moving we can see the valley sun dance with snow and clouds, -9 ish we are not Cold
Tall snow covered pines, you could see the gondola and hear laughter, it all be came calm and surreal....

I slide down rolled on to my knees and ask kat for hilton,
 she handed me the little black urn, with brass strips, no words said, she made eye  contact...

spilled his ashes in front of me on the snow,
 put my fingers in the snow &  ash mixing them together a little... Just a touch,
, ... I told kat that it was ok, hilton was in a good place, and now he is here at killington too....

She cried...... So did I......

We sat there in silence,

We are gonna miss you hilton.... Fuck we miss you so much......

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Danny

Danny a long time team member of stadia passed away this morning,
Almost 18 years on and off...

He was 49 years old...

Can't believe it....

I'm fed up GOD, I'm fed up with the bullshit,

Can you please let me , leave me,
 my family friends and staff alone... For 3 months... Just leave us alone 3 little months..

Danny you were loved....

Hilton make sure he is ok when he gets there....

Monday, December 13, 2010

Cutting our tree down for christmas


















Cutting the tree down in the byrne family was a tradition,

I promised my kids hilton, katherine Georga, that as long as I can walk I'm cutting a tree down and they will be going with me.

Each year, rain , shine , snow cold... We would get up one sunday morning no less then 2 weeks out from christmas and pick the fattest  tree we could get.
Kellie loved a fat tree...

We always bring the dogs,

And we always go to drysdales... Out on 48 .....
Locals will get this.

They have the best marriage saver tree stand,

this tree stand adds at least 5 years to any marriage guaranteed

once you cut your tree, they shake it, cut the end for you and then drill a 1/2 hole up the centre.... Which then you screw
the drysdale marriage save tree stand
 in the bottom..... Whala... One great tree up in 5 minutes ready to decorate and you lose the natural feeling  to kill your wife....cause if she had told you one more time to move it to the left............Ehehehehehhe
maybe you do  wanna  kill your wife?? ??? Anyway....

We would get up, and funny things is hilton would always be the first ready to go, , anything we did as a family he would always be first up even as a teenager,
I would make fun of him because he was first,
 he told me the only reason he got up was cause he didn't want to get "yelled" at,...... I say: "ya right".....

I like to think that I made life so much fun... He was so fucking happy  to get out of bed... Ehehehehh

He always dressed in this underwear, OMG-  long johns that would make the poorest guy in the world look rich...
Torn long johns, multi colour t-shirts, sock that went to his knees,
Bad hair.. Stuffed up morning nose,
 always had elephant shit in his eyes...
(Elephant poop is crusty eye snot...) For those who would like to use the term...

And he always had a great coloured  "where is waldo winter Hat... Green and blue stripped."
 the only hat that fit, cause hilton has the biggest byrne head

Over & above  the
 unspeakable wardrobe that no one has ever seen out side the family,  he had A sweet jacket and snow pants........
And  from  age 12 to 17 he would wear sneakers...  Yet By 18. He realised boots were better......( Eh dad was right!!)

We would all get up, usually this day was the first day to find all the mittens,  hats. Boots , gloves.... And "crazy town"  in our house begins.. Yelling screaming , dogs barking, kellie and georga brush there hairs for hours ( 10 minute)and hilt, and I are exhaust from watching....
Begals! .....,  the toasters Going ,
 cream cheese and yum yum pickles...
The best... "You know it"...
Hilton loved a bagel with cream cheese, pickles or tomato....( He was a fan)

The cinnamon bagel was his first choice for year...

....kellie would feed the dogs......  georg has to draw a picture,
kats got some dance music going, and not talking to anyone unless she
 is screaming someone's name..in anger .... Cause she has to give someone grief....

Hilton would be looking for something? Socks?? Who knows...
 And hilton would be Telling some one to "shut up"... In a tired huff........

...... in the truck we would go.........
( 5 minutes)
And back to the house we would go.......
" Everyone stay put..... I will get the saw............ Shit
Every year I forget the saw...


It wouldn't  be a family drive with out hilton telling georga to " shut up" ...
And me saying
 in a deep voice "hilton...stop .... Please...."

 he would reply with: ... "She is so annoying errrrrr" ......

as we pull up to drysdale, all hoping it would snow on the way out...  Coffee in hand hilton drinks his coffee the same as me "one milk" ... ( Sigh)

Click the truck into 4 wheel drive and into the make shift lot.... Mud- snow
I loved the whole thing and so did hilti... And the girls..
----------------------------------
( Once we went on a weekday, and it was sunny the day after it rained... Hilti was 9 or 10 and he sat on my lap and drove my truck around in the muddy fielda... (Boy was that a hoot))
---------------------------------
Ok back to the story........

Dogs jump out of the truck, bean and coco..,  everyone find there gloves.. I would yell at hilton to grab the saw... Out of the truck... He would say why can't Kat carry it...

And we are off......
Across the street down a wooded path to a huge fire and the smell of lions club cheap hot chocolate .. And horse shit...wood burning fire all ...very romantic setting..... Joking a side it was always great to be here with my family

( ciaran was the only none family member every aloud  on this trip, he was one of our surrogate kids)

On the wagon , two big sweaty horse with sleigh bells ringing and a red wagon...

Hilton and I would make seasonal fun of other people... And off we go,  he always took a seat next to kat,  I'm not sure what the spoke about... But they giggled and had fun...

15 minutes.... off we got, we followed the  head christmas tree person super hero in charge  of the perfect tree.. The one and only tree picker of the family , none could be cut down with out her 360 degree blessing................. Drum roll.....introducing  KELLIE..... This drove hilton nuts......  That with out kellies blessing I would not let hilton or I saw a single stroke...

Kellie loves her tree, and hilton just want to end the pain... to cut the first one he saw... He liked the saw and want to get home, he was cold ansd bored of waiting for kellie to pick a tree.....
-----------------------------------
I believe its because when he was 8 years old and this one year, it was (-25) we stopped for hot chocolate .... Just after inspector 12 pick the tree.....
Hilton with a grin looking forward to the sweat warmth of his lions club hot chocalate ,
 I put 3 creams in his hot styrafoam cup and dropped in 2 big marsh mellow...

To try and add flavour to the Brown water lions club served.
With a wooded stir stick I walked  hilton over the the fire pit flames 5' in the air you could feel the warmth with this cold air. The kind of canadian cold air that makes your nostrils freeze in a single breath.....
I handed him the steaming cup.......
 Telling my little buddy to blow on it cause its really hot...

Hilton took a single step forward to the hot fire and out from beneath hilton comes his feet , like Fed flinstone...
Up go both feet and down goes the hot cup of hot chocolate all over the front of his jacket... And with a loud scream........ And a flash freeze of water on his jacket
 there lay my son like a turtle on his back....in snow and ice... Bundled tight he could barely move...
Hilties Mouth wide open screaming in front of 40 strangers...... A deafening continues scream....as we quickly ran to the car.....

I guess it was slippery.... Eh who knew???

Merry christmas everyone that's my boy.....

------------------------------------

This year alex came with us... Kat whispered to me its the worst weekend of her life.... We all cried...

At least it snowed...........

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Snow boarding first day won't be the same















With the first day of snow boarding at mt. St. Louis tomorrow...

Hilton and I would have picked up our boards from KENMARK snow baords and ski shop... Fresh wax, good stories, hand shakes and hugs , smart mouth comments from all the guys.... And ken would give you a look like ....yeah what took you so long...to get your boards out of the store.

Hilti was cremated with his snow board gear on... Helmet, coat, gloves... Snow pants... Everything... Because we wanted him prepared for his journey with everything... He would want and need... He had just purchased the best coat with his own money, and he loved his gear....

Kat has his favioute board and his two beater boards we have Len, my moms boyfriend, who hilton really liked.... Len is building a sweet park bench out of his two shit beater  boards....

We snow baord every weekend,
And we always bring friend and family to teach and laugh at... The more people the better.. Hilton loved the crowed , just like the rest of us....

Hilton would get up before us... Even if he was out till 2am... It only took a russel of me up and he would jump in the shower and suck away the hot water pressure .... And be down stairs in his long johns, and getting all his gear together... Some toast, we would cut up an orange, glass of grape juice....

He was never good at packing the truck.. Hilton and I would fight on how to do it almost ever sunday morning he would tell me it does not fit..... And it did..

And yes we would stop and get timmies before we get on the 400 highway.

As we would pull into the parking lot of mt. St. Louis the first thing I would do is "gun it"  to a wicked donut in my wife's 8 passenger SUV, , and freak out all the staff,..... loud music kellie telling me to be careful....

Out of the truck ..... we come... Loud and full of fight, fun and laughs... In the main lodge.... and out on the hill,

As lunch approached... "Hans" the sandwich guy... The same sandwich guy for 20 years who has watch all my kids grow up... Always says hi, and remarks how the kids have grown.... In his german accent...

Fuck I'm  scared to see him or any of the girls at the counter...

Didn't matter how cold , or how little snow ... We loved first day....

It was our time , snow boarding, was a religion for us..it brought is together, to talk laugh, play, teach, learn... As a family...

Every time it has snowed this fall my girls cry... And say it hilton....

Every time it snows my throat get tight and I can barely breath....

First day without out you buddy . won't be the same...
Fuck... I miss hilti...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Art work for our winter hats

Mousepath graphics , thanks for taking the time to create a "
hilti, masterpiece" ....

Rob and kellys cottage: 1999 or 1998

These are great picture that were found in my office.... Under a pile... We spent a weekend at kelly and roberts cottage....... With all the hilti was the only boy....

freemont 11-12 can't help but miss him..

Freemont academy ( fellow student, sending photos and a little note)

This is what I'm talking about, a story or a memory
Thanks from the family

------------------------------------

Hi there!

I'm not too sure how to go about writing this email...I guess I should
start by telling you who I am; my name is Francey and I went to
Freemont with Hilton a while ago. I've read your blog almost everyday
and although Hilton and I weren't BFF's or anything, its still
heartbreaking and distressing to think that he's gone forever. I
constantly read the blog and I know that you like hearing stories from
people about how Hilton effected peoples lives. I'll admit I don't
have any specific stories, but I DO have pictures and I just wanted to
let you know that even in small ways, Hilton touched my life. I only
knew him in grade 9, but I specifically remember he was very funny! I
would be walking by his classes and constantly hear laughter and
joking. He always seemed to have a smile on his face! I remember we
saw each other on the way to school and walked together and although I
don't exactly remember what he said, I distinctly remember the whole
walk we were just laughing! He really was an amazing guy, and I feel
downright lucky to have known him, even for just a short time! I have
attached some old pictures that were taken at Freemont (one is from
halloween and is kinda funny).

Have a great day!

Francey

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Donations and t-shirts: open for business

it is 100% rock solid secure. It uses TD Bank's Beanstream E-Commerce platform. All transactions/donations are bulletproof.
Safe,

We are working on our constitution, and board, and a committee for a race circuit...
I need every one to remember that we are gonna drive the safety of all board sports, education... And Racing

Thanks to TD bank and life line.. IT solutions For sponsoring my sons efforts.... Safety and sports...

Give a little save a kids head from an injury.....

Friday, December 3, 2010

Christmas shopping

......Ran away from work....

work is so hard to build up the energy to be there....

..... hilton was a huge part of my office and shop,

Mike W and talked about it yesterday.. And he misses him too.... How he just did things, how clean the shop was, .....how well he got along with hilton.....


It really overwhelm s me , being in the office having all these people around... Who knew him, good or bad...

I saw eugene today, and he says he is doing ok,,,

He gave me this look..


Everyone is having a tough time with hilton being gone...
Most of all because I have changed... I often wonder is my change forever....??????????

With out hilton in my life , my life will never be the same again...

I guess I have to learn to live with the change...

----------------------------------
Christmas shopping ,

we used to count gifts, make sure georg, kat and hilt all got the same amount of things to open... Specifically hilti and kat because they are so close in Age.... The would make sure they got to open the same amount.

We bought something with a "K" on it... And they had a "H" thing right beside it....

It made me cry.....( Sigh)

I really fuck'n hate that he is gone....

I loved shopping for boys stuff, yet hilton was the pickest guy on the planet...

Kellie once bought a game where as, the object of the game was to be electrocuted, fun right, for a boy...................
Hilton hated it... He was insulted we bought him this gift...

Kellie figure its because way back when we live at a rental home at 18 church in aurora Hilti put his finger in a broken socket,..plate.... And got a 110 V shock... He was 4 and he told us that a huge monster in the wall tried to get him... And he didn't like electricity after that.....

Not buying him gifts sucks....

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Julie thinks hilti didn't drive that well...

Or maybe Tim

I remember when Kaity and I flew back from Nova Scotia one summer, you picked us
up at the airport. Our parents were driving back and wouldn't arrive until the
next day. For some reason I remember some really odd music on your stereo (the
wizard of oz soundtrack comes to mind, but I think that's wrong). You drove
like a madman...trying to be funny and get home fast all at once.

We slept on the floor of Georga's room (I remember you had it painted by
then....so this must have been the summer before she was born). In the morning
when we woke up, I wandered downstairs and Kat and Hilt found me. They took me
down to the basement to meet KiKi (Cieran)...they introduced us by jumping on
him as he slept and tickling him till he woke up.

------

This past summer when Hilton and I went out to dinner, he drove us in his Jeep.
The doors were off and as we zoomed in and out of other cars on the road, I
remember thinking "Oh god! He drives like Tim!"

Love
Julie Stephenson

----------------------------------

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

From CHRIS the skater buddy , who has taken to hanging out at stadia.....

> Really had Hilton on my mind today. Just wanted to share a moment I had with him.
>
> Hilton and I would always race. We couldnt always keep up with the tiny asian kids from york! But Hilton and I had a similar build so we liked to fool around. I remember drafting Hilton down the long run at Jefferson Forest and we started at the back. Around the middle of the run there is a flat spot and all the light riders lose all their speed, but Hilton and I came charging through like a bull and past everyone. We were so PUMPED afterwards. That feeling, the adrenaline, is awesome.
>
> This morning was really nice with the grief speaker. But fuck it made me realize how much this situation sucks. I still haven't accepted it and I don't want to. I want to skate with my buddy. Here come some tears.....

Love
Chris.........skater buddy...
----------------------------------
Posted by tim for chris.....

----------------------------------
I love stories.... I need to collect them..... All of them so years from now... Family... Hiltons- nieces and nephew... Staff - friends, and family can look at this blog and Remember...remember everything........ Everydetail and silly little thing of Hilton Byrne-s life......
-------------------------------------

Two fingers from the cousins from the slums in halifax....???

Its a beautiful sun rise Syd...

Things like this would make Hilton so happy to know that katie, alex, kat you and jessa are all talking again...

Hilton had tried once an awhile to make contact with you guys.... Over the last few years... You guys were a huge hole in his, kats and my life..

HE would BE so HAPPY.... For us, that we are reunited

Love you guys.....

From kellie-mom Hiltons step mom for 17 years, a story about Hiltons one and only semester in university and kellie went to visit.......

When Hilton went out to UBC I went out to Kelowna to visit him mid way through the semester. Hilton loved BC and his time at the university.
He was really excited to show me his room ( I'm sure it took him all day to clean it!) , and his most recent longboarding video. He loved the campus which is sort of situated on a hill because he could ride his longboard to classes. He did so much longboarding there, that I remember him telling me that he felt like his calves were lopsided....that one had become far more muscular and his jeans felt tighter on the one leg.
I took him out for lunch and shopping for some food and other stuff he needed. I remember we saw the Kings of Leon cd and he told me that I needed to buy it..that I would love it....so I did. We got back in the car, and heading back to the university, we listened to it....and he was right, I did love it....I still do, and makes me think of him whenever I hear it.
When I brought him back to his room, I went in with him and I noticed a book he had on his shelf. It was a book that I had heard of and was interested in reading and I asked him about it. He told me he really liked it and I picked up the book to take a look at it. As he was giving me a summary of what it was about, I opened the front cover and one, lone rolling paper fell out and fluttered slowly down to the floor. He stopped talking, got flustered...I think he blushed a little...and quickly picked it up and stuffed it in his pocket. He quickly changed the subject.
It made me smile...I miss him.

30 days since Hilton s death........ ( A little story about his first cut at work)

My office is doing bereavement counselling today,

I was ask not to come,

I like the rest of my family are have a tough time handling this new normal without hilton.

My team at byrne partners and stadia have work with him for 5.5 years 20 months full time and 4 years part-time

And are having a tough time too......
----------------------------------
I remember that fist summer he work at the shop,

I had just purchased the company from my brothers and Hilton and I were in the shop he was 15 years old...

(Off the record: WSIB is gonna kill me....)

Deep breath....

He was 15 and we were moving glass in the shop..
In aurora...

I tipped this piece of glass toward hilton flat up on edge, corner , in the biz its called rolling....

We were on our 50th piece and pretty comfortable doing this task...

Hilton look the wrong way and boom as I rolled it up his hand got pinched between the glass and a rack and ouch right through the glass gloves I cut his finger right next to his pinky on his right hand...

And its a bleeder.....
Good meat,
so....un - like my dad who would handed me a roll of masking tape...

Off to the hospital we went... I told hilti to shut up as we walk in because he is not allowed by law to. Work in the shop until he is 16....

Which is stupid in my books... But whatever....

As the doctor comes in...
With a tray , needles, and alcohol wipes...

Hilton is gonna get his first 3 stitches in his hand...

I said... Son.... Welcome to the business.... This was your real first day of your 50 year career in the glass business.........

He look so pissed off,
he said: no way......I am not I doing this for the rest of my life!!!!!..
as the doctor is sticking him with his first stitch.......

I giggled..... A little, and actually held his other hand to help manage the fear and the pain...
His hand was dirty, and rough like a man........


Ironic.......

this past summer he told me that he want to run the company..

(Sigh)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The one day road trips

In december I would wait for a big snow fall and then as soon as I knew mt. Tremblant was gonna get a dump of snow... I would grab Ciaran ( a young lad who was living with us , a very close family friends child, I love Ciaran so much like he was my own)

Ciaran and I would bolt and go snowboarding..... Drive out at 3am
Get to. Tremblant quebec at 9:30am
Slap on our boards snow board and pound the hill til 4pm and drive back to toronto....

Shit this was fun.......

-------------------------------
For what ever reason hilton was not allowed to go, or he was working..... Or he had to do something with his mom......
But he was always bummed out.....
----------------------------------
Then there was that year, I think he was working at kenmark at the time....
Hilton would still talk about this...
It had snow so much we left the day before, stopped in ottawa, hung out at Ian and david house on a sofa,
Where this nocturnal dog kept jumping on my chest..... Every time I scored

We got up at 7am and were snow boarding at 9am in mt tremblant..... Snow was deep, not to cold,

And we hit so much powder
Ian, david, ciaran and hilton and I,

Ian was scared to go in the deep snow cause there wasn't much of a base.. And he started call Ian

Gina. Or for the people that don't get that vagina... He called he Gina, so fucking funny....

This was hiltons real
first "man trip"

I don't think any of us drank a beer, smoked a joint... Played cards.... We work really hard snowboarding

we laughed As hard,

We drove back to ottawa, and toronto that night,

Wok up sunday in bed at our homes

With the best one day 15 hours of driving story ever....

I think this was the fist time I realised he could keep up to me on a snow baord....

Ian , David and Ciaran,
I miss you ,
And
Hilton loved you............
and look up to you So much...
And he was so sad when our relationship went in the shitter...

Its a shame the last 21 months we struggled to have a relationship....

HE LOVED YOU 3 like you were his brothers....
-------------------------------
I miss hilton so much...

Maybe for old times we could go snowboarding.....

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day one, our thanksgiving.

1:30 pm kellie calls me on my phone and tells me to come home...

As I turn the corner heading west on my street I can see the OPP cruiser in our drive way, from the stop sign, as I turn right off of edward.... First thought in my head was hilton got arrested for long boarding , smoking pot .... What ever, I used to tell him it was illegal and if he got caught ... I would leave him over night in jail.... Hehehe

I pulled up 1/3 on the side walk 1/3 on the drive way, 1/3 on the street..... Starsky and hutch style, right. Behind the black and white, bright sunny day thanksgiving day, the smell of turkey in the air.

Kellie standing with a police officer, and the edge of the walk way, arms crossed, eyebrows collapsed, looking in shock, and she blurts out

" Hilton has been in a life threatening accident!"

I said: Where is he?
Police man: In a helicopter! Going to st. Michaels hospital.

Me:: what a happens?
Cop: hit a motorcycle doing 70 km, he has head injuries

( Panic in my mind.... Spinning , must Think... I hug kellie) while mid hug i said: how long until he is there?
Cop: soon ,

I knew it was bad, they never send a cop to your house... Its like a movie right, get it..... Like a GOD DAMN movie... Never do you get a helicopter ride ... Never do you go
I can't drive that would be stupid, I need to be there when they land,
I look around, crossed the street, to the one person I knew 24 hours around the clock, would drop everything... Gary, and said drive me to the hospital, drive me to st. Mikes
,no please ,
or why...
He said yes.....got up got his keys.

I told kellie I would call, I told herd to call the hospital find out where he is going , what floor , everything so we know where we are going when we hit the hospital.

Kellie nodded, she had to stay back , georga as here and we had family coming over for dinner... Some it would be two late to call,

Time : 1:30pm oct 30 2010

Gary and I get in the car, its a 60 minute drive, on a good day, could be 120 knowing toronto.

I told gary to get coffee.. From tim hortans

And we got on the highway heading south bound... Fuck Gary drives so slow...

I called penny hiltons mom, and told her the problem, and said I'm coming to get her,........

------------------------------------

2:45pm

9th floor ICU :

From the first hour penny and I entered the hospital,

We spoke to one doctor and can't remember who he was...
He said if we can keep him alive for 24 hours... This is a good thing...


And then we saw hilton....


a lovely lady named laurie cam in

She said she was from spiritual care.......
OMG, never has my heart ever pounded so much... I'm sure penny was in the same place.....

Spiritual care... Ouch.. Like a move... If she starts giving last right and a blessing I'm gonna punch her...

So surreal......

I said: " we don't need spiritual care!" He is not going to die......... I was stern . Direct and I turn a way...
Go away laurie, fuck off
Right to her face, I was so rude..... Might as well get used to it.... I'm gonna be a bull in a china shop.... And this is the only reason to be one......... HILTON my boy..

Gave the rolling wide eye look to penny, and she gave it to me... ( Lieu laurie Is an idiot..... Gonna die fuck her....


Laurie said she would be around if she needed us...
And left

Man oh man uch.... She gave me the willies.....

Then on the 2cd hour, doctors every where, spleen. Brain, liver, lung. Kidney.
while we stand over our son I tun to go outside so I don't vomiting and a 2cd non doctor lady touches my shoulder and say in a soft hyper voice, ( she was short , I'm 6'3" , so everyone is short, ) looks like liza menelle... I don't think she could sing....

She say:
I will walk with you....

And she begins:
I'm collette and I'm a social worker here at st. Mikes and I'm here when ever you need me I'm a "page" or a phone call away.....

I said: oh my god... Your not from spiritual care here to read The last right to my son cause if you are... And this is a big trick... I'm gonna stop talking....and tell you to fuck off....

Collete, giggled looked down at the floor and said

Nope, your boys is not gonna die today...and I'm mot from spirtual care...

Let's walk....

We ended up at the north end of the 9the floor in a corner of a hallway , where left over , broken bed, and wheelchairs are, dim lights..

This little shitty area quiet, calm area...... became
For the next 20 days

"COLLETTES CORNER"...

A place of peace, to nap, and talk.....

Just for me........
------------------------------------

The next few stories are about collette.........

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Meeting and greeting after hilton is gone

Ps: there is snow on the ground out in Caven

Never have I had such a difficult time shaking hands, speaking, meeting old friends ...

I would be happier if your didn't know me or hilton..

Kellie says we are in a fish bowl... Then I'm drowning

I never thought it was possible to hurt so much..
Physical pain...

I never thought It was possible to go with so little sleep.

I never thought it was possible to dream the way i dream

I never thought it possible to be scared to leave my house..

I never thought going to work would be a struggle

Bla bla bla bla...

I write in this blog like I'm talk to a friend...and that friend loves me unconditionally....
Not editied, not spell checked, not proof read... Cause it my writting, and you fucking lucky I let any one read it..

So

For ever hug I hate I love getting them

For every email I hate getting that says sorry for my loss, I love them...

For every card I can't read.. I will read the card.....

I just don't want him to be gone from my life,

Motherfucker I don't get it, here is a good kid, strong, health, smart, polite, hard working good manners, saving for a house! Car loan... Wasn't a booze hound or a drug dealer, loved family vacations.. Still told me he loved me...

Even when we would fight... Our love for each other was so fucking incredibly unconditional... I have said horrible things to him and he had said them to me... But we never turn our backs on each other when times were shit...
We liked, shit, we LOVED to hang out together...

So GOD I ask you why the fuck would you do this to my Hilton..
Fate... Eh... Fuck fate....

If there is a bigger reason other then fucking with my life.... Tell me..... Fucking spit it out and tell me asshole....

We only learn through adversity....
That's fucked, there has to be a better way to learn...

I cared about so many people unconditionally and they took advantage of it... Hilton... Always stood beside me...
I never stood beside my father like hilton stood beside me.......

I WAS a LUCKY MAN to have him in my life......

I was ripped off to have him taken away....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Little lion man

A song that makes kat and I ball..... Just sob.... ( Kat too)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'm up here, its ok to read... Do it right now...............( Written prior to the funeral )

(I wrote this on the day of the funeral, nov 5 2010)

I wrote this to kat 2 hours before the funeral started, left it in draft....my intent was to press send, just before i spoke at the funeral .... Never did until now kat......
------------------------------------
Kat:

Right now I'm up on stage at the church, ready to give hilton my all, to share my love....

And I will be afraid to look at you, because I don't want you to have a shit show.

I want you to know how great you have been and I love your strength...

I promise to give you your space.......

I promise to love you.....unconditionally

I promise to yell at you now and then...keep you straight

I promise to always hold your hand...even when you won't....

I promise to have shopping days......

I promise to always take your phone call

I promise to listen

I promise to eat dinner with you

I promise to find adventure with you

I promise to help you if you help your self

I just want you to know how proud I am of you,

Your beautiful.......
Strong....

I know how much your gonna miss hilton....
GOD....KAT..... I love you



-------------------------------

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Putting up the christmas lights...

Each year I would drag all the shit out of the crawl space under the stairs in / from the furnace room....

3 rubber maid bins....
Full of 20 years worth of christmas supplies...

With the toronto parade today and the aurora local parade, next weekend , its time.... like every other year to pull stuff out....
And
put lights up around the house,
lord knows the stephenson house has there shit up already...damn stephenson house looks like a canadian tire commercial..
Anyway.....

I would yell at hilton to get dressed, through some snow pants on and let's check all the lights, get the ladder, find a hat its cold...
Cause it the most wonderful time of the YEAR.. ( You can sing that if you want)

My story is really touching ,




Hilton hated putting up the lights,
Oh ya ... Just hated it

each year I would force him to help me..... FORCE.....and he hated every minute...

All the way he hated it, ..... up to coming inside,

And then his mood changed.......
Once in awarm house with a hige fire burning, you could smell the wood outside.... And when you came inside the warm dry air and the snap and pop of a crisp fire...


Kellie making tomato soup, baloney sandwiches. And premium plus cracker crushed into our soup while sitting in front of a fire... And then eating chocolate chip cookies .....
Yummy
Hilton and I would polish off 3 litres if milk on our own... At dinner and cookies after.......
And of course we would top up our milk getting ready for the after dinner, dip the cookie...... ( We all do it, we just don't tell anyone)

He would talk my ear off...
About everything, most of all - when will we be going snowboarding? What new equipment he wanted!!, and where we are going to go...
, and his favourite complaint: how "easy" georg has it .. Compared to him...
He had it so rough....


Sigh......


Even the things he hated
I miss......

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Talking to hilton at 2:30am

I have been told to talk to hilton...

It does not help, but I like to do it...
Some kind of weird comfort, I just started doing it..

Its the crying and the shortness of breath and the pain in my chest... That makes the process of talking to him hard..
--------------------------------
Its hard to find any comfort... In Meeting people since his death, it hard.. Because they/ you don't know what to say...

I feel like a leper
Customers, suppliers , staff... Its all awkward for me... I'm a in your face guy... But ... This is So gut wrenching.... Who can get in anyone's face...

And I will be honest, no one has to say a thing.... When we meet face to face...
Or speak on the phone

Its kinda like a big pink elephant... And really in this case don't bother... Telling me about it ... I know..... Your sorry for my loss...

Don't say that....

Say, I really liked hilton, or he was great, or I hated him. Or I remember when I .... Like Kathy today told me on sundays when switch'n out cars with hilton he would come into her back yard for a beer... Every sunday ....
See... I love that... That's what I want to hear...
A little story how hilton touch you... Through someone your direct...

----------------------------------

I do like hearing how great his " dean martin roast " was... Cause in my books that was the best fucking funeral celebration of someone's life I have ever been too..
---------------------------
Just don't be surprised when you talk to penny, kellie, KAt , georg or myself that we won't break into tears...cause we will,
funny thing we have all gotten used to crying....and we just wish that everyone else around us would ... Be ok with crying it would make life easier...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tonight I went grocery shopping...

Hilton was the only 20 year old man who still like to go grocery shopping with his dad....

I think he like to come with me just because we could talk about dog shit nothing... But as long as he could talk freely with me... Alone... He just wanted to talk....
------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
I still have more stories of the ICU,

The first day.....

Collette our social worker..... She did a wonderful job...
-------------------------------
I think I will read my blog 10 years from now, or one of the kids will .. And think wow uncle timmy was a mess....... And hilton was great..( That's normal)

Hilton was normal, nice...kid ,sorry, man... He like to play guitar.... He loved music, he loved, to edit video,....

He loved to fight with me... Mexican stand off.... Style

-----------------------------
I have so much to tell everyone in my family about him... I don't want anyone to forget a thing about him.... Over the next few months when I'm done talk about the 20 days in the ICU ,
I'm gonna tell every little story...of his life....

So I don't forget one part of his beautiful short life.....
--------------------------------
I'm proud to be his father...
---------------------------------
Its funny that there still is hundreds of hits a day on this site...

To date I lost track but way more the 100,000 people have come to this site... And I'm always impressed when someone tries to write something nasty about what I have written...
So....
When you have walk a mile in my shoes you can become a critic....

----------------------------------
Hey, hilton... I love you, thanks for being my son...
----------------------------
God bless , sweet dreams don't let the bed bugs bite....

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bean and peach remembering hilt--

Peach and bean remember hilton yelling at them both when hilton would buy new socks and they would steal them a frolic around the house

And he would grrrrrrrrrrr at them........

Hiltons jeep, good morning....

When hilton was really little he loved TV.

We had a old 26" tv on a ikea dresser in our room.....
Hiltons room was right a cross the hall,
49 davis.....road, what shit hole.... Looking back it was home... A great home...

..........Sigh.......
and he would wake up with a nukie in his mouth . Still in dipes...
Hilton was Just walking, he was standing in his crib , he would do 30 knee bends before he got out.....
( those were the days, I can barely get out of bed, I was only 25sh)

Hilti- would lean way out the side the crib,
cause when he leaned enough he could see my night table and me if he was lucky....
.. And because I knew this ritual, I used to stay rolled on my left side ready to shhhhh him and whisper shhhhh..... lay down... Buddy.... Still sleepies ok lay down....

He would lean way out with his silky hair , sliky corn yellow hair......static head, his huge head....... My god he was cute.......Hmmmm with a grunt... HMMM
Strained neck nukie in mouth the only thing he could say was HHMmMmM
And he would grunt and stretch his neck...
Quietly... Like he knew not to be loud, and as he see me stir...

His moans would be come more agressive....
He could see me
I would wave...

Hilti would say quietly: "da" slurred with a nukie / soother in mouth.
... I would say;
" buddy"
he say: "da"
, buddy..... da.... buddy .... Da
..... It was a ritual..
He would do knee bends and call my name...I would say half a sleep "buddy"

So I would drag my but out of bed,
I had to get up for work anyway....
with a new diaper,
my morning pee out of the way.
I would pick him up close to me , close to my chest
he would through his head tight on to my chest on my left side in the crook of my kneck... The perfect spot.... Bare skin, to bare skin... So warm and soft...
Like he really loved you, and he did.... Yummy..

I was in such a rush I never stopped to enjoy those cuddles, not as often as I should have....

( If you have a baby... Get up 30 minutes early and do those cuddles like they are the last one you are ever gonna have...)

I need to shower so... slipping in a VHS tape.. Guess what it was we put in..
Pooh bear...

God he loved pooh.......

Bottle in one hand

pooh on the TV.. ( Funny today there is still shit on TV ,hahahahah
just not as good, that's a play on words, get it)
......Sigh.......
With his orange knot blanket, twisting those knots in his hand so tight with passion, .
His little finger learning motor skills, not knowing how great he was gonna be as a man....
Eyes glued.....
he was so focused on pooh bear,,,
off to the shower I would go.....
With him coming in to peek on me now and then to making sure I was there.......

Sigh........
( I can't stop crying over how great this moment is)

This last year, he still woke before me,,,
and he would be in the shower before me ,
this time me yelling at him to get out... ( Cause I want some. Hot water)

And as I climbed in to the shower...
I could here that jeep start....
That shitty muffler.....

This morning , I woke up to a car with a shitty muffler outside my house......
Maybe a jeep....

I think hilton came down from heaven at 5:30 am to tell me via that bad muffler he is ok...

I wish I could have him back....
My god why...

( Tears, on my face, my skin so tight, it hurts so bad, when does this stop)

WHY GOD, you asshole... WHY........
Sigh, deep breath, breathe... Its ok

Its time for me to go to work...

Hilton would expect nothing less... Get up and go to work....

Its what dad did....

Another day....

Today is gonna be a good day...

Sigh..................................................

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

At hiltons desk...

I'm sitting at hiltons desk at work, staring at his business cards... Fuck he loved handing those cards out.... Its so sad to sit here... My office seems really quiet... Maybe its me...
Fuck this is shitty....
----------------------------------------------------------------

Mind spinning... Sigh...
Throat closing in on its self...
I'm a mess...

Time to get coffee.......

And start to think...
I can hear his voice
When his cell phone rang....

" Solid tone friendly strong confident.. Deep... He answered like this....

" HILTON BYRNE STADIA!!!"

Fuck it sounded great, dripping with pride...

I love you hilton...
-----------------------------------
Ps: I had a visitor to the office....... I was so happy to see him..... ( I promised not to blog about it so I won't)

Day 6 last blog, a new low.... Sorry!

I got some comments about the last blog....
"Off the blog" ( wink wink)

I want to thank that person for keeping me grounded...
( Giving me shit)

I now feel like I stooped to a new low .. . I'm sorry....

I won't justify, I will explain...
-------------------------------------
This journey in the ICU did not have a good ending...
for Penny, kellie, kat georg , katie , alex....

We have lost our son, nephew....And brother....
Its not a fairy tale its a fucking nightmare....

I truly understand that everyone else is also going through something too...
Everyone has turrets during stress...( Say the wrong thing)

Its awful that any of us have to go through this...
Losing a child....

during my therapeutic writings,( blogging)
I needed my immediate family more then outsiders, to know what had gone on and what journey was taken
During the 20 days of the ICU.....
From my perspective only.
and share stories of my sons life...


......and if you don't like what I write, please don't read it ... Please........
But...
The blog at some point actually helped personalise hilton healthcare, made it better....doctors and nurses... Loved him....felt connected...
------------------------------------
Now ...
For me what "bob" did to hiltons nieces and hiltons family ( me) is a terrible amount of un-needed stress at that moment......on day 6

I'm not a perfect man...
And this blog certainly shows...that I have made huge mistakes, fucked up, put my feet in my mouth, screwed over people.... Been judge mental, hurtful.... Lord knows I'm paying for ever sin I have ever done right now......I wish I could be more accepting, tolerant, kind

But what my brother did was a dramatic part of the journey what my brother did was on the same day they told us about the DAI..
( Really fucked up for us)
and so.... I needed to document it...that's all... Not out of hate or anger... Just to record the story for later....

The blog is my version of the good, the bad and the ugly for my family inside the ICU .... And I don't expect outsiders to get it.....

No one could... Unless you lost a child... NO ONE could understand...unless you've lived in the ICU with your child...

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I have made mistakes in my families relationships but
Hilton dislike of his uncles for what they ( we) have done to our families to each other over the years was real.
not that he knew details, but hilti understood the emotion ..........and .......

hilton understood my passion to have my family around me, to be close...
So he knew how sad I was... When anything ever happened... Between us..

So he would have been proud of me facing those challenges head on..., on day six... And 7

Because for his whole life I hid/ was in sibling family conflict....as a means to ensure my skeletons would not come out to haunt me and with hope maybe I could salvage a relationship....

I was so scared that day To hurt my brother and his wife's feelings.... I struggled with what happened...and what I did...


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with Hiltons death gives me new strength, not to allow my feelings to be discounted.....( Nor my request- yet as I say that,
( wow that's sound hypocritical)

I don't want any more conflict....


I'm really tired...

I just want to curl up and hide...

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Anyway...

I'm better then that...
I feel foolish ......
Thanks for the reality check... ( You know who you are)
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Ps: I share everything I post with the kids prior, and make sure they are good with it.....I will not post something to hurt the kids......
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Hilton...

Day 6 why kick when you can stab..

The prelude:
Over the last 5 - 6 years my relationship with my brother(s) has been tough,

( Like any family.... We are fucked up)

We broke up our business partnership and since then thing just haven't been the same.....

And recently again, My brother had another partnership with another family member, fall a part, which brought him back into my life...
Funny how things work... One minute your the bad guy....
And one minute your on a dessert island not looking so bad...

Even so, our relationship is not exactly on solid ground, and another brother of mine ( there is only 2) and the brother I'm talking about are " chummy" again..... WTF.... And they both dislike me.....

let call my brother bob... For the purpose of this story.....

Bob has told me on several occasion that his wife thinks I'm an ass and I'm not welcome at his house... So Bob says....???
Not sure what is true or false, with Bob...

I'm just happy to have a 5 year old broken relationship on the mends,
even if its because "bob" is desperate to have some semblance of family cause he has lost every one...via his own doing.

( I believe we are responsible for our own choices)


Mom, grandma, ( dad died) sister, brother... And brother n' law daughters.... Wow.... And a bunch of friends.... All have left my brother "bobs" life.....

I was happy to be the oasis for my brother.... So I thought.........
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Day 4


"bob" send me a text and asks me how hilton is... ( 4 days late but that's nice, as I didn't call him to tell him the news anyway)

I thought this is nice!!
.... I reply'

"he is alive"

He tells me he is here for me...

That's really great I think to myself....BOB is reaching out he really cares..


He popped into the hospital and I just didn't have time for him hiltis conditions are changing by the minute,

never the less I thought it was great that he came and he and mom after 7 year finally say hello...

Yet I was not there for the conversation...
I understand it was " AWKWARD".
Kind a funny ...not....

When I came in the waiting room "bob" did not even get up to greet me.... As he finds hospital difficult to be in.... I got that, I ask; "do you want to see hilti" he look scared and nervous. And
said a quick ; "NO" .... I got that... Shit I was scared each time I went in....
I ran back in to see hilti...

And that was the last I saw of him... Brother "bob" when I came out , he had left without a goodbye...


Over the next two days he sent me some thoughtful text of hope and support...

NICE right.?
"bob" send me a couple of text 4 or 5 and asks if his wife colleen ( not her real name) could come down...

I said: "bob" .. Get this .... I said "bob" , perhaps another time, don't bring colleen, she does not like me and this is not the time for a family reunion...

"bob" send me another text with the same request:

I get a little more stern:

"bob" please do not bring colleen down tonight , maybe turning the week early one morning , when I have more time.... Now remember , mid week mornings are quiet....

And "bob" acts like I never sent these text... And continues


Hey tim we are going to come down tonight...
(Wtf?)
I again reply...
Hey bob not tonight, do not come here to the hospital....

Simple right, just waiting till mid week morning, but don't come down now...

( I just don't want the family reunion with some one who does not like me and...... I have this new unstable relationship with brother "bob" .... Shit no good is coming out of this..........)

( Colleen) if your reading this... Talk to "bob" .. And if your having trouble rapping your head around it... Email me direct- off the blog)

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Day 6

Sunday night 8:05 pm after dinner , kat, alex, nat, me ... And huh, gues who ... there in the hallway... Out side the ICU, is ( guess)
Brother "bob" and colleen.... Weird right??? Me too???....so...... I make a simple request, right , just hang tight.... ( I actually made this request of different people for different reasons... And not one person .... just said:.... Aaayyy fuck it, Tim does not no what he is talking about and just showed up.....


So there stands "bob" and colleen.......out side the ICU doors... I think they thought I was gonna be ok with this???


I approach them and say to "bob" with out making eye contact with colleen... "Leave"

"Leave, I asked you not to come here......"


"Leave now"....

"bob" says; pause ... We want to visit....hilti.....

I said, "I asked you not to come.... I ask very politely. Do not bring colleen!!.... . Why are you here?....

He tells me colleen... Has brought holly water.....??? Ok???
I have not seen this woman is 6 ,7 years...

My brother has told me she never wants to see me..

she come with holly water and a gift...??? I'm a catholic and this seems fucked"

-Sarcastic- Even though I explicitly ask them not to come????
Talk about disrespectful !!!eh

I'm a little freaked out, that "bob" my brother, just ignored... My simple request...??? Who does that?????

And when I ask them to leave....

They give me the " well I never" ....attitude.... Fuck up....eh....

They said: "we want to leave a gift.... I said no thanks" ...

If you read the blog...the only thing at this stage the we need is food.... And they bring a gift... ??? That we can't eat....


They again gave me the
" ungrateful asshole look"

I was thinking... You disregarded me.... Why the fuck do I give a shit what you think....
( They didn't want to leave, "bob" was doing a mexican stand off...)

I told "bob" I would call security....

So.... With a flip of "bobs" hand in the air......They left........

Now this is where it gets good....... Weird , not good.. Crazy... Oh yeah,.. There is more...

While "bob" is sending these messages/ texted.. During day 4,,5, 6 .... Of hope and love and support....and showing up to give the double wife support... Un wanted or not... All seems like good intentions right??.......
WeLl guess what bob evil twin... (Metaphoric -sarcasm) is doing from the other side if his mouth...
....Bob .is Sending / forwarded email to his daughter...... (That by the way the girls are staying with me....at the condo...at this stage, emotional wrecks)

"bob" is sending these nasty email.. About me to his daughters... To help them understand what a selfish prick I am....

"bob" is Describing to his daughters that I'm a jerk , self Serving and disrespectful to my son....and a bunch of stuff that is not worth discussing.. Ever....

And sharing emails created by another family member in order to harm my reputation.........
All while my sons life hangs in the wind....

And you ask yourself .....

Why would he be so hypocritical and say he is here to help me in one text ... And tell his daughter I'm an ass in another....

I'm not sure why either?


.......And when I tell him I know what he is doing.... Via a texted .... Guess what he does.... Within 5 seconds...
While his daughter is sitting beside me....
At my condo...
Yep... Beside me....
Bob calls her and gives her shit for sharing the nasty email he wrote......
With me... Wow... Crazy right...

I can hear everything...
Over the phone... She hangs up on dad... I would too.....

So disrespectful of my son

And so harmful to his daughters who just want to support hilton, kat, kellie, georg and me...
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And this is only the tip of the iceburg...

Cause the only reason im keeping a diary of this is because...I found out that "bob" ( my brother) has told people he was not allowed to go to the funeral..... ......And instead of you guys thinking I'm a thoughtless ass...
You need to know what he was doing to undermind me while I was at my families worst.... So no I did not want him there......
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" When a guy is down... Its the best time to kick him . Eh "bob" ... Good job....sarcasm !!!!!
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I tried to fix our relationship for 5 years email after email....
And you do this to me...


Tip for readers:
when you have a family member loosing their child support them...no matter what........ Don't ever kick someone when they are down...
JUST DON'T KICK THEM WHEN THEY ARE DOWN
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.... And SUPPORT them... Or keep away... If you cant say anything nice don't say anything at ALL!

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It was that monday morning after "bob" screamed at his daughter over the phone , my heart pounded, kellie cried.... And I turned to BOBs daughter..........

She hung up and just cried, and cried and I held her and hugged her... So hard....

I'm not sure if she was crying because of hilton, because of her father, or because of me...... But I held her that morning until the tears stopped........

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When your in the middle of a huge family life or death situation...

I guess "bob" did not realize how much more pressure he put on my family and his kids,
for no other reason then to hurt me for his own joy.... Selfish.... Really unbelievable selfish.....hypocritical jollies... Good job, bob you accomplished your goal.

To hurt me and my family.
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"bob" ..... I forgive you....

Sean.... Cool ride

In the ditch, another sweet feature

Jumping for hilton

Features on course at burlington

The start of the race

Jumping for hilton

Andy makes boards and shirts

Contact me if you need anything from any she has been so great donated 100's in shirts and decks...

Two fingers from tim hortans.........

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hilton, monday morning 2am ish grieving

I'm at a loss for the sadness I'm feeling,

The waves of pain are nothing like I felt before in my life.

I at any moment can't catch my breath...

I can see him, At ever turn

I smell him,

Ever jeep I see....

I walk into my shop and he should be there...... I should see him...
in the morning I would walk by
And say...." Hilton everything OK" sipping my coffee....

He would nod... From a far...

I liked.. ,.. No.... I loved him working with me.....

I could bark orders and he got it,

We were at a point at work where as I could say a half sentence and he got it before I had finished....

He was almost done getting the stock room set up...

And the shop was spotless

He was strong , smart fast on his feet, took on everything in front of him...

Especially this last year, it all clicked, he got it... This year was the year he bought his first car
saved 8.000 ++ for a house...
He had his act together......
he loved his job...
He had a great girlfriend

He was a great snowboarder, long boarder,

He wasn't hook on any bad shit ,
Was a real GOOD. BOY.... What am I saying he was a good MAN.....


And now he is GONE.......


So sad, it makes my throat close in... And can't swallow..... There is no reason, he, he..... should be gone.....?

Fuck me.........
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Deep deep breath...

Good night, good bless

And don't let the bed bugs bite......

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I promise hilton that I will grow from this, and be strong and live life.. Make sure kat and georg are taken care of.... We had conversations about making sure kat and georg were taking care of.... Schools, homes... Life stuff...

It was always with the intention of me kicking the bucket......... Not him... So now that I'm here.... I'm gonna make him proud.... Run the compaby bigger and better, help the girls... Go as far as they can go...cause that what he and I would shoot the shit about... How he would take over and help the family...

So hilton kat , georga and kellie are kick some life ass for you....

Kat just got a new board.... And is going to race

Dad, nat and georg waiting for the race to begin

Hilton race in burlington going to the top to start... So COOl

Giving out prizes and the hilton race

Saturday, November 13, 2010

BIG RIDE tomorrow and Tats for dad, kat and kellie ,

So we are done... Kat. Is gonna have to send hers in after...

Mine looks like it has a hair beard.,, but after 2 weeks good as new

Chantal @ 905.895.7774 Is our tattoo guru and she want to do more...
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See you;

http://hiltonbyrne.blogspot.com/2010/11/skate-ride-for-hilton-this-weekend-in.html