I lectured my daughters about attitude and treating each other with respect, as a usual sibling fight was not going to be tolerated, and it turns out I'm the one who need an attitude adjustment.....more then them...
Kat gave kellie and I so much shit the other day... She told all of us, that we are gonna stick it out and we need to grow up and do this for hilton....
God I wish I could share the speech... It was the most grown up thing she has ever done....
Sorry girls
Today is thursday,
Georg and I got up and let kat and kellie lay back at the condo,
I actually get along with georg better without kellie or Kat, ( by the way georg spells her name Georg not george, or georgia... Her full name is georga... We in the family call her georg....
anyway.....
I spoil her just as much as mom, but for some reason I feel a sense of freedom, with out being criticised....to speak more at ease.... With her mom not around, which is wrong and even by writing this I'm gonna take a 2x4 in the head...
Today was good boarding, we all had fun, kellie and kat caught up to us at 12:00 noon... For some lunch and afternoon boarding
At 5pm........
Went to "smokies poutinerie"
for anybody from another country...
You have no idea what your missing .. Truly Canadian...
I was thinking.. And igt didn't hurt....
A great story for the family, ciaran david and ian will love this...
Remember when we would come up here there would be 8 maybe 10 people living in the condo for 5 to 7 days in tight quarters...
we would play games... And if hilton s 14 year old teenage attitude got in the way...
Pay back is a bitch.... Playing the board game SURVIVOR....
And we would vote hilton off the game in the first five minutes. And every time we played... Every time...he would get voted off first...
Hilton would get so pissed off.... It was so funny... I guess you had to be there...
And then
There was the time we play cards and hilton was having bowel challenges ( the shits), so Ian would slip Hilton his cards from the bathroom door crack, slipping the cards under the door for hilton to review...
And discuss game option...
And when he was done.... He clogged the toilet and left it for me to un-clog, yet it would not....un-clog...
Yes I plunged and plunges, covered in shit water as you all look on giggling as I yelled from the crapper in rage and in sequence to the plunging
You -PLUNG,GLUCH- left -PLUNG,GLUCH- this -PLUNG,GLUCH- shitty -PLUNG,GLUCH- mess -PLUNG,GLUCH- for me -PLUNG,GLUCH- why am -PLUNG,GLUCH- I -PLUNG,GLUCH- fucking -PLUNG,GLUCH- plunging -PLUNG,GLUCH- some one-PLUNG,GLUCH- else's -PLUNG,GLUCH- shit....
While dirty shit water all over me raging mad.. you all and hilton giggled .....
Wait till I write the story about david running naked through the village during prime time...
Man oh man.... Year after year we have had great memories and have learned a ton about each other and have learned to love each other..... On these trips to tremblant...
Maybe its a " had to be there" story... Sorry if you don't find it funny...
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So
Its so hard to explain what I have gone through so far..
This trip...
But I will try....
Is more confusing then a Picasso painting
It like a collage...... Of emotions smeared blood stained together,
heart ache, desperation, guilt, sad, loneliness, regret, pissed off, angry, scared, lost, tired, impatient, light headed, dehydrated, raw tears, out of control, anxiety, unable to fix what hurts my family, inability to fix,
feeling useless,
stupid,
memories of the hospital...flashes of shame.... Hurt... So much Hurt....frustrated,
Kellie said we are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.... Like we have fought in a war and have seen such horrible thing that we are unable to function.... It make sense...
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(Or how about Sitting at lunch while on vacation, looking up from your stew in a crowded restaurant to order a diet coke to see your 17 year daughter crying, sobbing...fucking sobbing, ,,,..only to ignore her, not because you don't care, but because this is our new norm , is really fuck up but its our normal now.... )) And I can't fix it anyway... Feeling useless, I just order my Coke...
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I snow boarded so hard and cried every time in my goggles...
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After being here for five days today was the first day I felt a little normal.. Because the rest of this trip has been crazy for my family and I.....
I have never looked at the blog or read anything that I have written.....I must sound insane.... Fucking insane...
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Hilton would want georg, kat, kellie and I to keep living and push through the pain and never give up... Be positive, find ourselves in all this shit... Never forget... But keep moving...
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Ps: I hope that some other parent reads this , some other parent whether you lost a child or not, and I hope this helps someone..
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