Tuesday, November 30, 2010

From CHRIS the skater buddy , who has taken to hanging out at stadia.....

> Really had Hilton on my mind today. Just wanted to share a moment I had with him.
>
> Hilton and I would always race. We couldnt always keep up with the tiny asian kids from york! But Hilton and I had a similar build so we liked to fool around. I remember drafting Hilton down the long run at Jefferson Forest and we started at the back. Around the middle of the run there is a flat spot and all the light riders lose all their speed, but Hilton and I came charging through like a bull and past everyone. We were so PUMPED afterwards. That feeling, the adrenaline, is awesome.
>
> This morning was really nice with the grief speaker. But fuck it made me realize how much this situation sucks. I still haven't accepted it and I don't want to. I want to skate with my buddy. Here come some tears.....

Love
Chris.........skater buddy...
----------------------------------
Posted by tim for chris.....

----------------------------------
I love stories.... I need to collect them..... All of them so years from now... Family... Hiltons- nieces and nephew... Staff - friends, and family can look at this blog and Remember...remember everything........ Everydetail and silly little thing of Hilton Byrne-s life......
-------------------------------------

Two fingers from the cousins from the slums in halifax....???

Its a beautiful sun rise Syd...

Things like this would make Hilton so happy to know that katie, alex, kat you and jessa are all talking again...

Hilton had tried once an awhile to make contact with you guys.... Over the last few years... You guys were a huge hole in his, kats and my life..

HE would BE so HAPPY.... For us, that we are reunited

Love you guys.....

From kellie-mom Hiltons step mom for 17 years, a story about Hiltons one and only semester in university and kellie went to visit.......

When Hilton went out to UBC I went out to Kelowna to visit him mid way through the semester. Hilton loved BC and his time at the university.
He was really excited to show me his room ( I'm sure it took him all day to clean it!) , and his most recent longboarding video. He loved the campus which is sort of situated on a hill because he could ride his longboard to classes. He did so much longboarding there, that I remember him telling me that he felt like his calves were lopsided....that one had become far more muscular and his jeans felt tighter on the one leg.
I took him out for lunch and shopping for some food and other stuff he needed. I remember we saw the Kings of Leon cd and he told me that I needed to buy it..that I would love it....so I did. We got back in the car, and heading back to the university, we listened to it....and he was right, I did love it....I still do, and makes me think of him whenever I hear it.
When I brought him back to his room, I went in with him and I noticed a book he had on his shelf. It was a book that I had heard of and was interested in reading and I asked him about it. He told me he really liked it and I picked up the book to take a look at it. As he was giving me a summary of what it was about, I opened the front cover and one, lone rolling paper fell out and fluttered slowly down to the floor. He stopped talking, got flustered...I think he blushed a little...and quickly picked it up and stuffed it in his pocket. He quickly changed the subject.
It made me smile...I miss him.

30 days since Hilton s death........ ( A little story about his first cut at work)

My office is doing bereavement counselling today,

I was ask not to come,

I like the rest of my family are have a tough time handling this new normal without hilton.

My team at byrne partners and stadia have work with him for 5.5 years 20 months full time and 4 years part-time

And are having a tough time too......
----------------------------------
I remember that fist summer he work at the shop,

I had just purchased the company from my brothers and Hilton and I were in the shop he was 15 years old...

(Off the record: WSIB is gonna kill me....)

Deep breath....

He was 15 and we were moving glass in the shop..
In aurora...

I tipped this piece of glass toward hilton flat up on edge, corner , in the biz its called rolling....

We were on our 50th piece and pretty comfortable doing this task...

Hilton look the wrong way and boom as I rolled it up his hand got pinched between the glass and a rack and ouch right through the glass gloves I cut his finger right next to his pinky on his right hand...

And its a bleeder.....
Good meat,
so....un - like my dad who would handed me a roll of masking tape...

Off to the hospital we went... I told hilti to shut up as we walk in because he is not allowed by law to. Work in the shop until he is 16....

Which is stupid in my books... But whatever....

As the doctor comes in...
With a tray , needles, and alcohol wipes...

Hilton is gonna get his first 3 stitches in his hand...

I said... Son.... Welcome to the business.... This was your real first day of your 50 year career in the glass business.........

He look so pissed off,
he said: no way......I am not I doing this for the rest of my life!!!!!..
as the doctor is sticking him with his first stitch.......

I giggled..... A little, and actually held his other hand to help manage the fear and the pain...
His hand was dirty, and rough like a man........


Ironic.......

this past summer he told me that he want to run the company..

(Sigh)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The one day road trips

In december I would wait for a big snow fall and then as soon as I knew mt. Tremblant was gonna get a dump of snow... I would grab Ciaran ( a young lad who was living with us , a very close family friends child, I love Ciaran so much like he was my own)

Ciaran and I would bolt and go snowboarding..... Drive out at 3am
Get to. Tremblant quebec at 9:30am
Slap on our boards snow board and pound the hill til 4pm and drive back to toronto....

Shit this was fun.......

-------------------------------
For what ever reason hilton was not allowed to go, or he was working..... Or he had to do something with his mom......
But he was always bummed out.....
----------------------------------
Then there was that year, I think he was working at kenmark at the time....
Hilton would still talk about this...
It had snow so much we left the day before, stopped in ottawa, hung out at Ian and david house on a sofa,
Where this nocturnal dog kept jumping on my chest..... Every time I scored

We got up at 7am and were snow boarding at 9am in mt tremblant..... Snow was deep, not to cold,

And we hit so much powder
Ian, david, ciaran and hilton and I,

Ian was scared to go in the deep snow cause there wasn't much of a base.. And he started call Ian

Gina. Or for the people that don't get that vagina... He called he Gina, so fucking funny....

This was hiltons real
first "man trip"

I don't think any of us drank a beer, smoked a joint... Played cards.... We work really hard snowboarding

we laughed As hard,

We drove back to ottawa, and toronto that night,

Wok up sunday in bed at our homes

With the best one day 15 hours of driving story ever....

I think this was the fist time I realised he could keep up to me on a snow baord....

Ian , David and Ciaran,
I miss you ,
And
Hilton loved you............
and look up to you So much...
And he was so sad when our relationship went in the shitter...

Its a shame the last 21 months we struggled to have a relationship....

HE LOVED YOU 3 like you were his brothers....
-------------------------------
I miss hilton so much...

Maybe for old times we could go snowboarding.....

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day one, our thanksgiving.

1:30 pm kellie calls me on my phone and tells me to come home...

As I turn the corner heading west on my street I can see the OPP cruiser in our drive way, from the stop sign, as I turn right off of edward.... First thought in my head was hilton got arrested for long boarding , smoking pot .... What ever, I used to tell him it was illegal and if he got caught ... I would leave him over night in jail.... Hehehe

I pulled up 1/3 on the side walk 1/3 on the drive way, 1/3 on the street..... Starsky and hutch style, right. Behind the black and white, bright sunny day thanksgiving day, the smell of turkey in the air.

Kellie standing with a police officer, and the edge of the walk way, arms crossed, eyebrows collapsed, looking in shock, and she blurts out

" Hilton has been in a life threatening accident!"

I said: Where is he?
Police man: In a helicopter! Going to st. Michaels hospital.

Me:: what a happens?
Cop: hit a motorcycle doing 70 km, he has head injuries

( Panic in my mind.... Spinning , must Think... I hug kellie) while mid hug i said: how long until he is there?
Cop: soon ,

I knew it was bad, they never send a cop to your house... Its like a movie right, get it..... Like a GOD DAMN movie... Never do you get a helicopter ride ... Never do you go
I can't drive that would be stupid, I need to be there when they land,
I look around, crossed the street, to the one person I knew 24 hours around the clock, would drop everything... Gary, and said drive me to the hospital, drive me to st. Mikes
,no please ,
or why...
He said yes.....got up got his keys.

I told kellie I would call, I told herd to call the hospital find out where he is going , what floor , everything so we know where we are going when we hit the hospital.

Kellie nodded, she had to stay back , georga as here and we had family coming over for dinner... Some it would be two late to call,

Time : 1:30pm oct 30 2010

Gary and I get in the car, its a 60 minute drive, on a good day, could be 120 knowing toronto.

I told gary to get coffee.. From tim hortans

And we got on the highway heading south bound... Fuck Gary drives so slow...

I called penny hiltons mom, and told her the problem, and said I'm coming to get her,........

------------------------------------

2:45pm

9th floor ICU :

From the first hour penny and I entered the hospital,

We spoke to one doctor and can't remember who he was...
He said if we can keep him alive for 24 hours... This is a good thing...


And then we saw hilton....


a lovely lady named laurie cam in

She said she was from spiritual care.......
OMG, never has my heart ever pounded so much... I'm sure penny was in the same place.....

Spiritual care... Ouch.. Like a move... If she starts giving last right and a blessing I'm gonna punch her...

So surreal......

I said: " we don't need spiritual care!" He is not going to die......... I was stern . Direct and I turn a way...
Go away laurie, fuck off
Right to her face, I was so rude..... Might as well get used to it.... I'm gonna be a bull in a china shop.... And this is the only reason to be one......... HILTON my boy..

Gave the rolling wide eye look to penny, and she gave it to me... ( Lieu laurie Is an idiot..... Gonna die fuck her....


Laurie said she would be around if she needed us...
And left

Man oh man uch.... She gave me the willies.....

Then on the 2cd hour, doctors every where, spleen. Brain, liver, lung. Kidney.
while we stand over our son I tun to go outside so I don't vomiting and a 2cd non doctor lady touches my shoulder and say in a soft hyper voice, ( she was short , I'm 6'3" , so everyone is short, ) looks like liza menelle... I don't think she could sing....

She say:
I will walk with you....

And she begins:
I'm collette and I'm a social worker here at st. Mikes and I'm here when ever you need me I'm a "page" or a phone call away.....

I said: oh my god... Your not from spiritual care here to read The last right to my son cause if you are... And this is a big trick... I'm gonna stop talking....and tell you to fuck off....

Collete, giggled looked down at the floor and said

Nope, your boys is not gonna die today...and I'm mot from spirtual care...

Let's walk....

We ended up at the north end of the 9the floor in a corner of a hallway , where left over , broken bed, and wheelchairs are, dim lights..

This little shitty area quiet, calm area...... became
For the next 20 days

"COLLETTES CORNER"...

A place of peace, to nap, and talk.....

Just for me........
------------------------------------

The next few stories are about collette.........

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Meeting and greeting after hilton is gone

Ps: there is snow on the ground out in Caven

Never have I had such a difficult time shaking hands, speaking, meeting old friends ...

I would be happier if your didn't know me or hilton..

Kellie says we are in a fish bowl... Then I'm drowning

I never thought it was possible to hurt so much..
Physical pain...

I never thought It was possible to go with so little sleep.

I never thought it was possible to dream the way i dream

I never thought it possible to be scared to leave my house..

I never thought going to work would be a struggle

Bla bla bla bla...

I write in this blog like I'm talk to a friend...and that friend loves me unconditionally....
Not editied, not spell checked, not proof read... Cause it my writting, and you fucking lucky I let any one read it..

So

For ever hug I hate I love getting them

For every email I hate getting that says sorry for my loss, I love them...

For every card I can't read.. I will read the card.....

I just don't want him to be gone from my life,

Motherfucker I don't get it, here is a good kid, strong, health, smart, polite, hard working good manners, saving for a house! Car loan... Wasn't a booze hound or a drug dealer, loved family vacations.. Still told me he loved me...

Even when we would fight... Our love for each other was so fucking incredibly unconditional... I have said horrible things to him and he had said them to me... But we never turn our backs on each other when times were shit...
We liked, shit, we LOVED to hang out together...

So GOD I ask you why the fuck would you do this to my Hilton..
Fate... Eh... Fuck fate....

If there is a bigger reason other then fucking with my life.... Tell me..... Fucking spit it out and tell me asshole....

We only learn through adversity....
That's fucked, there has to be a better way to learn...

I cared about so many people unconditionally and they took advantage of it... Hilton... Always stood beside me...
I never stood beside my father like hilton stood beside me.......

I WAS a LUCKY MAN to have him in my life......

I was ripped off to have him taken away....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Little lion man

A song that makes kat and I ball..... Just sob.... ( Kat too)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'm up here, its ok to read... Do it right now...............( Written prior to the funeral )

(I wrote this on the day of the funeral, nov 5 2010)

I wrote this to kat 2 hours before the funeral started, left it in draft....my intent was to press send, just before i spoke at the funeral .... Never did until now kat......
------------------------------------
Kat:

Right now I'm up on stage at the church, ready to give hilton my all, to share my love....

And I will be afraid to look at you, because I don't want you to have a shit show.

I want you to know how great you have been and I love your strength...

I promise to give you your space.......

I promise to love you.....unconditionally

I promise to yell at you now and then...keep you straight

I promise to always hold your hand...even when you won't....

I promise to have shopping days......

I promise to always take your phone call

I promise to listen

I promise to eat dinner with you

I promise to find adventure with you

I promise to help you if you help your self

I just want you to know how proud I am of you,

Your beautiful.......
Strong....

I know how much your gonna miss hilton....
GOD....KAT..... I love you



-------------------------------

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Putting up the christmas lights...

Each year I would drag all the shit out of the crawl space under the stairs in / from the furnace room....

3 rubber maid bins....
Full of 20 years worth of christmas supplies...

With the toronto parade today and the aurora local parade, next weekend , its time.... like every other year to pull stuff out....
And
put lights up around the house,
lord knows the stephenson house has there shit up already...damn stephenson house looks like a canadian tire commercial..
Anyway.....

I would yell at hilton to get dressed, through some snow pants on and let's check all the lights, get the ladder, find a hat its cold...
Cause it the most wonderful time of the YEAR.. ( You can sing that if you want)

My story is really touching ,




Hilton hated putting up the lights,
Oh ya ... Just hated it

each year I would force him to help me..... FORCE.....and he hated every minute...

All the way he hated it, ..... up to coming inside,

And then his mood changed.......
Once in awarm house with a hige fire burning, you could smell the wood outside.... And when you came inside the warm dry air and the snap and pop of a crisp fire...


Kellie making tomato soup, baloney sandwiches. And premium plus cracker crushed into our soup while sitting in front of a fire... And then eating chocolate chip cookies .....
Yummy
Hilton and I would polish off 3 litres if milk on our own... At dinner and cookies after.......
And of course we would top up our milk getting ready for the after dinner, dip the cookie...... ( We all do it, we just don't tell anyone)

He would talk my ear off...
About everything, most of all - when will we be going snowboarding? What new equipment he wanted!!, and where we are going to go...
, and his favourite complaint: how "easy" georg has it .. Compared to him...
He had it so rough....


Sigh......


Even the things he hated
I miss......

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Talking to hilton at 2:30am

I have been told to talk to hilton...

It does not help, but I like to do it...
Some kind of weird comfort, I just started doing it..

Its the crying and the shortness of breath and the pain in my chest... That makes the process of talking to him hard..
--------------------------------
Its hard to find any comfort... In Meeting people since his death, it hard.. Because they/ you don't know what to say...

I feel like a leper
Customers, suppliers , staff... Its all awkward for me... I'm a in your face guy... But ... This is So gut wrenching.... Who can get in anyone's face...

And I will be honest, no one has to say a thing.... When we meet face to face...
Or speak on the phone

Its kinda like a big pink elephant... And really in this case don't bother... Telling me about it ... I know..... Your sorry for my loss...

Don't say that....

Say, I really liked hilton, or he was great, or I hated him. Or I remember when I .... Like Kathy today told me on sundays when switch'n out cars with hilton he would come into her back yard for a beer... Every sunday ....
See... I love that... That's what I want to hear...
A little story how hilton touch you... Through someone your direct...

----------------------------------

I do like hearing how great his " dean martin roast " was... Cause in my books that was the best fucking funeral celebration of someone's life I have ever been too..
---------------------------
Just don't be surprised when you talk to penny, kellie, KAt , georg or myself that we won't break into tears...cause we will,
funny thing we have all gotten used to crying....and we just wish that everyone else around us would ... Be ok with crying it would make life easier...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tonight I went grocery shopping...

Hilton was the only 20 year old man who still like to go grocery shopping with his dad....

I think he like to come with me just because we could talk about dog shit nothing... But as long as he could talk freely with me... Alone... He just wanted to talk....
------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
I still have more stories of the ICU,

The first day.....

Collette our social worker..... She did a wonderful job...
-------------------------------
I think I will read my blog 10 years from now, or one of the kids will .. And think wow uncle timmy was a mess....... And hilton was great..( That's normal)

Hilton was normal, nice...kid ,sorry, man... He like to play guitar.... He loved music, he loved, to edit video,....

He loved to fight with me... Mexican stand off.... Style

-----------------------------
I have so much to tell everyone in my family about him... I don't want anyone to forget a thing about him.... Over the next few months when I'm done talk about the 20 days in the ICU ,
I'm gonna tell every little story...of his life....

So I don't forget one part of his beautiful short life.....
--------------------------------
I'm proud to be his father...
---------------------------------
Its funny that there still is hundreds of hits a day on this site...

To date I lost track but way more the 100,000 people have come to this site... And I'm always impressed when someone tries to write something nasty about what I have written...
So....
When you have walk a mile in my shoes you can become a critic....

----------------------------------
Hey, hilton... I love you, thanks for being my son...
----------------------------
God bless , sweet dreams don't let the bed bugs bite....

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bean and peach remembering hilt--

Peach and bean remember hilton yelling at them both when hilton would buy new socks and they would steal them a frolic around the house

And he would grrrrrrrrrrr at them........

Hiltons jeep, good morning....

When hilton was really little he loved TV.

We had a old 26" tv on a ikea dresser in our room.....
Hiltons room was right a cross the hall,
49 davis.....road, what shit hole.... Looking back it was home... A great home...

..........Sigh.......
and he would wake up with a nukie in his mouth . Still in dipes...
Hilton was Just walking, he was standing in his crib , he would do 30 knee bends before he got out.....
( those were the days, I can barely get out of bed, I was only 25sh)

Hilti- would lean way out the side the crib,
cause when he leaned enough he could see my night table and me if he was lucky....
.. And because I knew this ritual, I used to stay rolled on my left side ready to shhhhh him and whisper shhhhh..... lay down... Buddy.... Still sleepies ok lay down....

He would lean way out with his silky hair , sliky corn yellow hair......static head, his huge head....... My god he was cute.......Hmmmm with a grunt... HMMM
Strained neck nukie in mouth the only thing he could say was HHMmMmM
And he would grunt and stretch his neck...
Quietly... Like he knew not to be loud, and as he see me stir...

His moans would be come more agressive....
He could see me
I would wave...

Hilti would say quietly: "da" slurred with a nukie / soother in mouth.
... I would say;
" buddy"
he say: "da"
, buddy..... da.... buddy .... Da
..... It was a ritual..
He would do knee bends and call my name...I would say half a sleep "buddy"

So I would drag my but out of bed,
I had to get up for work anyway....
with a new diaper,
my morning pee out of the way.
I would pick him up close to me , close to my chest
he would through his head tight on to my chest on my left side in the crook of my kneck... The perfect spot.... Bare skin, to bare skin... So warm and soft...
Like he really loved you, and he did.... Yummy..

I was in such a rush I never stopped to enjoy those cuddles, not as often as I should have....

( If you have a baby... Get up 30 minutes early and do those cuddles like they are the last one you are ever gonna have...)

I need to shower so... slipping in a VHS tape.. Guess what it was we put in..
Pooh bear...

God he loved pooh.......

Bottle in one hand

pooh on the TV.. ( Funny today there is still shit on TV ,hahahahah
just not as good, that's a play on words, get it)
......Sigh.......
With his orange knot blanket, twisting those knots in his hand so tight with passion, .
His little finger learning motor skills, not knowing how great he was gonna be as a man....
Eyes glued.....
he was so focused on pooh bear,,,
off to the shower I would go.....
With him coming in to peek on me now and then to making sure I was there.......

Sigh........
( I can't stop crying over how great this moment is)

This last year, he still woke before me,,,
and he would be in the shower before me ,
this time me yelling at him to get out... ( Cause I want some. Hot water)

And as I climbed in to the shower...
I could here that jeep start....
That shitty muffler.....

This morning , I woke up to a car with a shitty muffler outside my house......
Maybe a jeep....

I think hilton came down from heaven at 5:30 am to tell me via that bad muffler he is ok...

I wish I could have him back....
My god why...

( Tears, on my face, my skin so tight, it hurts so bad, when does this stop)

WHY GOD, you asshole... WHY........
Sigh, deep breath, breathe... Its ok

Its time for me to go to work...

Hilton would expect nothing less... Get up and go to work....

Its what dad did....

Another day....

Today is gonna be a good day...

Sigh..................................................

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

At hiltons desk...

I'm sitting at hiltons desk at work, staring at his business cards... Fuck he loved handing those cards out.... Its so sad to sit here... My office seems really quiet... Maybe its me...
Fuck this is shitty....
----------------------------------------------------------------

Mind spinning... Sigh...
Throat closing in on its self...
I'm a mess...

Time to get coffee.......

And start to think...
I can hear his voice
When his cell phone rang....

" Solid tone friendly strong confident.. Deep... He answered like this....

" HILTON BYRNE STADIA!!!"

Fuck it sounded great, dripping with pride...

I love you hilton...
-----------------------------------
Ps: I had a visitor to the office....... I was so happy to see him..... ( I promised not to blog about it so I won't)

Day 6 last blog, a new low.... Sorry!

I got some comments about the last blog....
"Off the blog" ( wink wink)

I want to thank that person for keeping me grounded...
( Giving me shit)

I now feel like I stooped to a new low .. . I'm sorry....

I won't justify, I will explain...
-------------------------------------
This journey in the ICU did not have a good ending...
for Penny, kellie, kat georg , katie , alex....

We have lost our son, nephew....And brother....
Its not a fairy tale its a fucking nightmare....

I truly understand that everyone else is also going through something too...
Everyone has turrets during stress...( Say the wrong thing)

Its awful that any of us have to go through this...
Losing a child....

during my therapeutic writings,( blogging)
I needed my immediate family more then outsiders, to know what had gone on and what journey was taken
During the 20 days of the ICU.....
From my perspective only.
and share stories of my sons life...


......and if you don't like what I write, please don't read it ... Please........
But...
The blog at some point actually helped personalise hilton healthcare, made it better....doctors and nurses... Loved him....felt connected...
------------------------------------
Now ...
For me what "bob" did to hiltons nieces and hiltons family ( me) is a terrible amount of un-needed stress at that moment......on day 6

I'm not a perfect man...
And this blog certainly shows...that I have made huge mistakes, fucked up, put my feet in my mouth, screwed over people.... Been judge mental, hurtful.... Lord knows I'm paying for ever sin I have ever done right now......I wish I could be more accepting, tolerant, kind

But what my brother did was a dramatic part of the journey what my brother did was on the same day they told us about the DAI..
( Really fucked up for us)
and so.... I needed to document it...that's all... Not out of hate or anger... Just to record the story for later....

The blog is my version of the good, the bad and the ugly for my family inside the ICU .... And I don't expect outsiders to get it.....

No one could... Unless you lost a child... NO ONE could understand...unless you've lived in the ICU with your child...

----------------------------------

I have made mistakes in my families relationships but
Hilton dislike of his uncles for what they ( we) have done to our families to each other over the years was real.
not that he knew details, but hilti understood the emotion ..........and .......

hilton understood my passion to have my family around me, to be close...
So he knew how sad I was... When anything ever happened... Between us..

So he would have been proud of me facing those challenges head on..., on day six... And 7

Because for his whole life I hid/ was in sibling family conflict....as a means to ensure my skeletons would not come out to haunt me and with hope maybe I could salvage a relationship....

I was so scared that day To hurt my brother and his wife's feelings.... I struggled with what happened...and what I did...


------------------------------------

with Hiltons death gives me new strength, not to allow my feelings to be discounted.....( Nor my request- yet as I say that,
( wow that's sound hypocritical)

I don't want any more conflict....


I'm really tired...

I just want to curl up and hide...

------------------------------------
Anyway...

I'm better then that...
I feel foolish ......
Thanks for the reality check... ( You know who you are)
-----------------------------------

Ps: I share everything I post with the kids prior, and make sure they are good with it.....I will not post something to hurt the kids......
------------------------------------
------------------------------------

Hilton...

Day 6 why kick when you can stab..

The prelude:
Over the last 5 - 6 years my relationship with my brother(s) has been tough,

( Like any family.... We are fucked up)

We broke up our business partnership and since then thing just haven't been the same.....

And recently again, My brother had another partnership with another family member, fall a part, which brought him back into my life...
Funny how things work... One minute your the bad guy....
And one minute your on a dessert island not looking so bad...

Even so, our relationship is not exactly on solid ground, and another brother of mine ( there is only 2) and the brother I'm talking about are " chummy" again..... WTF.... And they both dislike me.....

let call my brother bob... For the purpose of this story.....

Bob has told me on several occasion that his wife thinks I'm an ass and I'm not welcome at his house... So Bob says....???
Not sure what is true or false, with Bob...

I'm just happy to have a 5 year old broken relationship on the mends,
even if its because "bob" is desperate to have some semblance of family cause he has lost every one...via his own doing.

( I believe we are responsible for our own choices)


Mom, grandma, ( dad died) sister, brother... And brother n' law daughters.... Wow.... And a bunch of friends.... All have left my brother "bobs" life.....

I was happy to be the oasis for my brother.... So I thought.........
----------------------------------
Day 4


"bob" send me a text and asks me how hilton is... ( 4 days late but that's nice, as I didn't call him to tell him the news anyway)

I thought this is nice!!
.... I reply'

"he is alive"

He tells me he is here for me...

That's really great I think to myself....BOB is reaching out he really cares..


He popped into the hospital and I just didn't have time for him hiltis conditions are changing by the minute,

never the less I thought it was great that he came and he and mom after 7 year finally say hello...

Yet I was not there for the conversation...
I understand it was " AWKWARD".
Kind a funny ...not....

When I came in the waiting room "bob" did not even get up to greet me.... As he finds hospital difficult to be in.... I got that, I ask; "do you want to see hilti" he look scared and nervous. And
said a quick ; "NO" .... I got that... Shit I was scared each time I went in....
I ran back in to see hilti...

And that was the last I saw of him... Brother "bob" when I came out , he had left without a goodbye...


Over the next two days he sent me some thoughtful text of hope and support...

NICE right.?
"bob" send me a couple of text 4 or 5 and asks if his wife colleen ( not her real name) could come down...

I said: "bob" .. Get this .... I said "bob" , perhaps another time, don't bring colleen, she does not like me and this is not the time for a family reunion...

"bob" send me another text with the same request:

I get a little more stern:

"bob" please do not bring colleen down tonight , maybe turning the week early one morning , when I have more time.... Now remember , mid week mornings are quiet....

And "bob" acts like I never sent these text... And continues


Hey tim we are going to come down tonight...
(Wtf?)
I again reply...
Hey bob not tonight, do not come here to the hospital....

Simple right, just waiting till mid week morning, but don't come down now...

( I just don't want the family reunion with some one who does not like me and...... I have this new unstable relationship with brother "bob" .... Shit no good is coming out of this..........)

( Colleen) if your reading this... Talk to "bob" .. And if your having trouble rapping your head around it... Email me direct- off the blog)

___________________________

Day 6

Sunday night 8:05 pm after dinner , kat, alex, nat, me ... And huh, gues who ... there in the hallway... Out side the ICU, is ( guess)
Brother "bob" and colleen.... Weird right??? Me too???....so...... I make a simple request, right , just hang tight.... ( I actually made this request of different people for different reasons... And not one person .... just said:.... Aaayyy fuck it, Tim does not no what he is talking about and just showed up.....


So there stands "bob" and colleen.......out side the ICU doors... I think they thought I was gonna be ok with this???


I approach them and say to "bob" with out making eye contact with colleen... "Leave"

"Leave, I asked you not to come here......"


"Leave now"....

"bob" says; pause ... We want to visit....hilti.....

I said, "I asked you not to come.... I ask very politely. Do not bring colleen!!.... . Why are you here?....

He tells me colleen... Has brought holly water.....??? Ok???
I have not seen this woman is 6 ,7 years...

My brother has told me she never wants to see me..

she come with holly water and a gift...??? I'm a catholic and this seems fucked"

-Sarcastic- Even though I explicitly ask them not to come????
Talk about disrespectful !!!eh

I'm a little freaked out, that "bob" my brother, just ignored... My simple request...??? Who does that?????

And when I ask them to leave....

They give me the " well I never" ....attitude.... Fuck up....eh....

They said: "we want to leave a gift.... I said no thanks" ...

If you read the blog...the only thing at this stage the we need is food.... And they bring a gift... ??? That we can't eat....


They again gave me the
" ungrateful asshole look"

I was thinking... You disregarded me.... Why the fuck do I give a shit what you think....
( They didn't want to leave, "bob" was doing a mexican stand off...)

I told "bob" I would call security....

So.... With a flip of "bobs" hand in the air......They left........

Now this is where it gets good....... Weird , not good.. Crazy... Oh yeah,.. There is more...

While "bob" is sending these messages/ texted.. During day 4,,5, 6 .... Of hope and love and support....and showing up to give the double wife support... Un wanted or not... All seems like good intentions right??.......
WeLl guess what bob evil twin... (Metaphoric -sarcasm) is doing from the other side if his mouth...
....Bob .is Sending / forwarded email to his daughter...... (That by the way the girls are staying with me....at the condo...at this stage, emotional wrecks)

"bob" is sending these nasty email.. About me to his daughters... To help them understand what a selfish prick I am....

"bob" is Describing to his daughters that I'm a jerk , self Serving and disrespectful to my son....and a bunch of stuff that is not worth discussing.. Ever....

And sharing emails created by another family member in order to harm my reputation.........
All while my sons life hangs in the wind....

And you ask yourself .....

Why would he be so hypocritical and say he is here to help me in one text ... And tell his daughter I'm an ass in another....

I'm not sure why either?


.......And when I tell him I know what he is doing.... Via a texted .... Guess what he does.... Within 5 seconds...
While his daughter is sitting beside me....
At my condo...
Yep... Beside me....
Bob calls her and gives her shit for sharing the nasty email he wrote......
With me... Wow... Crazy right...

I can hear everything...
Over the phone... She hangs up on dad... I would too.....

So disrespectful of my son

And so harmful to his daughters who just want to support hilton, kat, kellie, georg and me...
-----------------------------------

And this is only the tip of the iceburg...

Cause the only reason im keeping a diary of this is because...I found out that "bob" ( my brother) has told people he was not allowed to go to the funeral..... ......And instead of you guys thinking I'm a thoughtless ass...
You need to know what he was doing to undermind me while I was at my families worst.... So no I did not want him there......
----------------------------------
" When a guy is down... Its the best time to kick him . Eh "bob" ... Good job....sarcasm !!!!!
------------------------------------
I tried to fix our relationship for 5 years email after email....
And you do this to me...


Tip for readers:
when you have a family member loosing their child support them...no matter what........ Don't ever kick someone when they are down...
JUST DON'T KICK THEM WHEN THEY ARE DOWN
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.... And SUPPORT them... Or keep away... If you cant say anything nice don't say anything at ALL!

------------------------------------
It was that monday morning after "bob" screamed at his daughter over the phone , my heart pounded, kellie cried.... And I turned to BOBs daughter..........

She hung up and just cried, and cried and I held her and hugged her... So hard....

I'm not sure if she was crying because of hilton, because of her father, or because of me...... But I held her that morning until the tears stopped........

------------------------------------

When your in the middle of a huge family life or death situation...

I guess "bob" did not realize how much more pressure he put on my family and his kids,
for no other reason then to hurt me for his own joy.... Selfish.... Really unbelievable selfish.....hypocritical jollies... Good job, bob you accomplished your goal.

To hurt me and my family.
----------------------------------
----------------------------------

"bob" ..... I forgive you....

Sean.... Cool ride

In the ditch, another sweet feature

Jumping for hilton

Features on course at burlington

The start of the race

Jumping for hilton

Andy makes boards and shirts

Contact me if you need anything from any she has been so great donated 100's in shirts and decks...

Two fingers from tim hortans.........

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hilton, monday morning 2am ish grieving

I'm at a loss for the sadness I'm feeling,

The waves of pain are nothing like I felt before in my life.

I at any moment can't catch my breath...

I can see him, At ever turn

I smell him,

Ever jeep I see....

I walk into my shop and he should be there...... I should see him...
in the morning I would walk by
And say...." Hilton everything OK" sipping my coffee....

He would nod... From a far...

I liked.. ,.. No.... I loved him working with me.....

I could bark orders and he got it,

We were at a point at work where as I could say a half sentence and he got it before I had finished....

He was almost done getting the stock room set up...

And the shop was spotless

He was strong , smart fast on his feet, took on everything in front of him...

Especially this last year, it all clicked, he got it... This year was the year he bought his first car
saved 8.000 ++ for a house...
He had his act together......
he loved his job...
He had a great girlfriend

He was a great snowboarder, long boarder,

He wasn't hook on any bad shit ,
Was a real GOOD. BOY.... What am I saying he was a good MAN.....


And now he is GONE.......


So sad, it makes my throat close in... And can't swallow..... There is no reason, he, he..... should be gone.....?

Fuck me.........
-------------------------------

Deep deep breath...

Good night, good bless

And don't let the bed bugs bite......

-------------------------------

I promise hilton that I will grow from this, and be strong and live life.. Make sure kat and georg are taken care of.... We had conversations about making sure kat and georg were taking care of.... Schools, homes... Life stuff...

It was always with the intention of me kicking the bucket......... Not him... So now that I'm here.... I'm gonna make him proud.... Run the compaby bigger and better, help the girls... Go as far as they can go...cause that what he and I would shoot the shit about... How he would take over and help the family...

So hilton kat , georga and kellie are kick some life ass for you....

Kat just got a new board.... And is going to race

Dad, nat and georg waiting for the race to begin

Hilton race in burlington going to the top to start... So COOl

Giving out prizes and the hilton race

Saturday, November 13, 2010

BIG RIDE tomorrow and Tats for dad, kat and kellie ,

So we are done... Kat. Is gonna have to send hers in after...

Mine looks like it has a hair beard.,, but after 2 weeks good as new

Chantal @ 905.895.7774 Is our tattoo guru and she want to do more...
----------------------------------
See you;

http://hiltonbyrne.blogspot.com/2010/11/skate-ride-for-hilton-this-weekend-in.html

Going for tats, two fingers for hilton

Ouch,

at stingers in newmarket...

I took some advil

Kat and I discuss that we are both gonna cry, not for the pain but for the love we have for hilton....
Kellie is on her way...


I'm going first......

Friday, November 12, 2010

(7 days) don't blame her..... That nurse

If you read the blog... About that nurse who left another wound on my soul...

Please Forgive her..

By the end of my sons 20 days..
St. Mikes hospital staff on the 9 th floor trauma unit... ICU ....

All loved , watch and read about Hilton s life,
they broke a rule...

The got close to the patient

I think the adored him... I think they fell in love with my son....

They were crushed... That day...

Because their not to get to close...

Hiltons spirit, family and power of positive energy did not just touch them it suffocated them......

7 days after his funeral..

I text penny today and made sure she was ok,

I have not text, email or spoke with her since she did the rogers news interview,

I hated that she did it, and spoke in detail about hiltons accident,
as Kat kellie georga and I have all chosen not get any details what so ever... Seems un fair the rest of the world has details ( as I right the blog its seems hypocritical...on my part.. Oh well...


I have gone to work this week,
kat went to school, georga back to school...

Ever night I can't sleep,
I'm actually scared to sleep ,
I have been having nightmares, really bad nightmares, bed sweats.. Bone chilling...
Ridding in the elevator of the hospital stop at every floor and the door opens.

I can feel the hatred people have in my dream

I feel the guilt dripping from my bones...
With the dreams ending in the elevator falling terrifying me the consciousness .

And this was a good dream... ( Sigh)

What disturbs me is the repetition of the dreams...again and again and again
the powerful graphics of the dreams last few seconds of Hiltons face and this nurse.. I'm not sure which one....

Yes I do... I can see her..

Let go back to oct 30th...

after hilton passed away all the family gathered in the ICU to see his body ..... And love him one last time and pray for his soul to go to a better place...

As family left one by one.. The last person with hilton was his amigo KAT... God love her,
Kat looked at his body, tears in her eyes, almost fear.. Shock...

Hiltons eyes slightly open knot blanket on his legs.

I touched Hilti's feet and said to kat: " take your time." And turn to leave as I poked through the curtain with butterflies on the drapes,
( the butterflies, you learn in the first few days of ICU... Some one died when you see butteflies on curtains)

on my final journey out of the ICU, it was darker and quieter then normal,

there was the nurse,
a friend of johns ( john was not on this day)
across the hall sitting at a small familiar desk, watching another patient,

She knows me well... God who does not know me in the ICU...
But this nurse with john has had huge conversations with me... She is a strong convicted lady. Why si she not looking at me share my sorrow.


I touch this nurses arm lightly

slowly without a sound

I queitly said;

"you have not said a thing"
... She did not let her eyes leave the chart of this patient, on the desk.

quietly...her voice had no empathy,
it felt almost like disgust. Low and clear she said:

"your wrong, you didn't even try, you did the wrong thing".




Silence





I stop touching her.. Hand trembling, I walk away slowly...

Realising I was blood stained forever with the guilt of my sons life on my soul...

Tears left my face and hit the floor of the ICU as I did not lift my head,

I the activated door button of the ICU for the last time as I passed through it sad, lost alone.... And now guilt.
-----------------------------------
( Snap back, stop crying)
-----------------------------------
Each morning while in the shower I have a big cry ( just like the movie the crying game)
Its almost become my new normal.

Get dressed , feed the dog...
And I stop and have coffee with kellie... We would endlessly hug , and cry...

Off to work I go...

The first day I went I stopped at 6 tim hortans while on the phone with kellie the entire 45 minute drive... I just wanted to kill as much time as possible...
A little scared... Lord knows what I'm gonna do with 6 large coffees... And no more holders...

I enter My office:

I feel like A freak,
as the boss you always feel like people shut downand act different to begin with, now I walk in with the ashes of your son around your neck...
And a big metaphoric. sign that say ... "My sons dead"... And no one knows what to say.......
The staff that have known me a long time stand and hug, or touch...
I feel like running to the accounting in with stan to hide.... I'm going crazy, really I just want to hide....

Today is friday,
No work... Fuck that shit.

we went to maryanns and created the art work for the tattoos kat , kellie and I are going to get... And any boarders...

Kat and I went up on our own.... To see maryann..

I ask Kat on the ride to newmarket... "Are you sick of being with me?"...

She said:
your the only one that I'm not sick of"
------------------------------
I love you kat......

--------------------------------
Maryann is gonna post the art on monday..

-----------------------------------

This week has been really bad. Lonely ... Like I slammed on my breaks but all the traffic kept moving...

Funny....
My family is actually getting use to crying..
You can break out in tear and the person beside you asks like nothing is going on

" pass the ketchup please"

Funny shit... Not so funny..

------------------------------------

I forgot... I hate that but...
I'm old

I want to thank robin stephenson for everything


Pictures attached are
1) Hiltons ashes in a mini urn.
That we call a "hiltini" georga, kat kellie Alex, katie, nanna, grandma sister and I all have one
Never to come off

2) Georga did a picture of hilton riding. Sweet sketch...

A skate ( ride) for hilton this weekend in burlington this weekend..

Check out the

www.ontariolongboard.com

For details......

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A parents quotes:

My sister gave me a little quote written by a parent who lost a child.. it said

"losing a parent means losing your past"

"losing a child is losing you future."


------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Friday night party for hilton...

( Remember frank... From the church blog)

Frank and I hugged at the church,

Kellie and the girls were in the another truck , with a wave and a kiss...they were off to the hall to celebrate hiltons life...

Now, I was alone in the parking lot of a empty church...

It was rainy and snowy... And dark / grey ... the perfect prelude to a winters day... Hilton would have been stoked... I got out of my warm truck alone and walked methodically to the church door.

I just wanted to pop in and see the church one more time , I didn't want to believe this part of the journey was over

The door was locked... Jesus christ!..... Why is the fucking door locked, it cant be.. I check the other door, " the church service can't be over." .....fuck

The other door was locked, I tugged on it a few time to make noise...in case some one inside could hear me and they could let me in.... Absolutely no one around..

It was time to go to the hall.....

Looking across the street of the church, I saw the security guy watch the panic, sadness in my face I gave him a short , small scuttled wave.... And in my truck , where I opened the window to cool off.. Boy was I sweating...

At the front door of the hall, the skater boys came and got all the pics from me and brought them inside...

As I made the corner Around the building...
There was john , a big man... And by his soft gentle words... I knew.., I just knew where he was going to go.. He said "I'm close to my son too, I still make him say - I love you and hold my hand...."
Sigh, a warm glance...

I kept walking into this huge hall...

It seemed there was even more people at the hall...
Then the church..

I made small eye contact with everyone...

Weird... I felt alone in this sea of people that I allowed to follow my family for this last month in the blog... Yet I knew very little of them...

As I walked with them.
out of the dark silhouette of strangers faces comes forward a small beautiful little girl
Thank god...smiling georga , YEhhh my little girl,
boy, I'm glad to see you... I said in her ear, bent down to love her with a squeeze... Even if her shirt say" HILTON said no hugs" ... I hugged...

I stood there for a minute and I must have dropped my guard, because people started to come towards me like a mob.... Saying sorry, hugging , wish me well, telling me " How lovely" the service is....

a face came towards me a smile
a warm smile I knew... But one I did not expect... Lauchie.. He shook my hand and said nothing... He might as well prepared a 1000 word speech....his face was worth a 1000 words...

As I let go...of lauchie's hand...Georga grabbed my hand,
hung on to my hand,, as her friends approach...

all these strangers...
Everywhere.... A sea of supporters... Come at georg and I from all sides...
I break free.....
I walk towards the small stage with a mic in hand and told everyone.
" YOU are in for one of the best celebrations of your life.. Of hiltons life."

Be prepared to be

HILTONIZED........

Light dims, music goes up.....
this smok'n great video that KAt , josef and darrel all produced, time to music with power .... Just. Blasted.
I held my breath... It was so emotional to watch in silence, no one moved, just watch...

For the next hour.... Hiltons friends and family co-workers,.... All spoke.. Such sweet word....passion and love

I learned so much... About my son..

And I thought stephan did a great job...

One of my funniest stories is KAT.... And the ICU nurse asking what hilti's nick-name was, And kat feeling uncomfortable....
Because hiltons. Nick-name is " RETARD" ironic... I think not....

I even called hilton retard at home.....( Funny shit Eh)
-----------------------------
As we watch the next movies of hilton... ( All posted on the blog)
They were so beautiful, I just cried as I held kellie, kat and georga...

And very quietly.... Kellie whispers to me... Tim , -pist pist - tim.... You forgot nat... I said what?... Talk to PAT?? What? ... She said no you idiot! ... YOU FORGOT NAT!... I return with "Shit"...
The music ended and I ran up on stage and said wait we only have one chance.. And Nat .. I forgot nat... Hiltons girl friend...

She spoke.
She was great warm and kind

We hugged and I took the mic
For one last time..

I told everyone that our children are raised by communities and if I can ask that everyone share this moment in time, share the blog...and make sure you hug your children, love them because you don't know when then will be taken from you...

I left the stage and met a gentlemen.. I ask ... Where did you skate with hilton... The yonge man said:
mr. Byrne I work for you.... ( Sigh, shit). Mr. Byrne remember you kicked me off the fork lift and told me to watch your dog....

( I feel so stupid!, so stupid!!)

I said I was sorry and asked him if he had a good time... and in behind him was a gentlemen that had waited all night...

With tears in his eyes he said "hey man" ... -Quiet with warmth..-
. The last time I saw him cry was at his moms funeral... And Ian said he was sorry...
And then jennifer ( she is beautiful) hugged me.... Wow, when she hugged me I knew , she didn't say a word, I knew something great was happening with them, ... For Ian an jenny, I'm so happy for them... Its a true blessing.. I'm so happy... .... Ian , I love you and your brothers so much... You have been part of my life... Since I was 13 years old, + I have baby- sat you guys, vacation ed with you guys, we have work together... Played, spent christmas together... As much as I have watch and help you grow up... You have watch my kids grow up.... I MISS YOU!
------------------------------------

As I went through the crowd, people hugged and squeezed, shared , laughed, cried, giggled,

the music went loud, my sister with all the girls and Dan..... Danced , and danced hard....
Loud and hard... I even join in... It was so much fun....

I thought this funeral, celebration of hiltons life was great, he would have been proud... It was the best funeral I have ever been too...

I hope nobody ever forgets my son....
HILTON A. BYRNE
Born
May 10 1990

Died:
Oct 30 2010

Sweet ride my son.....
------------------------------------
Ps: the blog is not over... I have a few stories... That I must tell and a few ICU tid-bits to share...

Please share the blog...
Keep sharing stories and comments...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Lonely, weird, decompression

Well its been an awful day... For everyone...

Georga and kat went to school.... " SHIT+SHOW"

Poor mr. McClure... Was told not to look -dam you KAT...

Katie , alex and nat all text me today...

Last night I shut off my blackberry between 1:30am to 6 am... Why...

Because for the last 27 days , 24 hours around the clock I got a text, and email or a bbM... A comment on the blog.... Every 3 minutes,,,

now as everyone else is moving on,
my life and my families all stayed still... Dead still, like everything has gone slow motion...
My mind sees hilton everywhere...

Kellie asked me to order fire wood ... And BOOM,
every year hilton and I would stack and split Wood... Last year... He and I did it in (- 5.)
we had toques on...
No jackets
we took this 10lb AXE and each had 5 swings... And discussed the Art of chopping wood, we were sweating ,
like real men,
laughing at every missed hit... Till after 11pm ,
kellie came out and told us that was enough for the night because the street didn't need to hear us any more... ...

I miss him

I went to work today... And I went to the esso station , its where I go every morning and I was so scared to see john at the country style.... John owns the esso, and he has seen me every morning for 5 years and knows my son, and this morning I could feel my heart race , I went in and out as fast as I could missing john... Thank god!

----------------------------------
In my office was spooky, I felt like every person stared at me. Not knowing what to say, because they did just loose the owners 20 year old son they lost a fellow worker... And comrade...

Kelly my sister said I should get a therapist in for everyone to learn how to deal with it.... I like the idea...cause fuck if I know what to do...

----------------------------------

Rodney and I spoke... Today for an hour, he just listened... I have known rod for 23 maybe 25 years... He has seen me at my best and worst...
Thanks ROD...
------------------------------------

Can I tell you that the gentlemen That my son hit on oct 11 was at the party we had for hilton...
The guy on the motorbike...

Frank

Frank is a great man he hugged me like we were old friends....

He contacted me the day before, he told me by email that he has read every blog...

When he emailed me I cried so hard....

I have not asked for a single detail of the accident,

Nor did I watch that roger news spot penny did, I don't need details yet... My heart is so broken... I can't afford it to be ripped out any more..

After the church service every one left even the MENKES bunch .. God love them david bennett would be proud to see you all...

Frank stood out side the church with his wife and stared at me....

I said slowly......
Frank?

We stared again no other words said...
We embraced like long lost friends, saddened like The words we can't remember got in the way of our relationship... For years but now its oK, Arms deeply around each other... Holding on...

I was so happy to see him I began to cry....
Sob, whimper...
I said: "did you get to know him"
Frank said it was great... I feel like I know him.......

I ride a motor bike... I made frank promise that next summer we will go for a long ride, get two cigars find a place where the sun is going down... Have a slow smoke... And talk about everything....


SIGH........ Deep breath ....... Sigh..........
----------------------------
Hi emily.... I'm so jealous
Of corey.. ( Corey had DAI in the ICU at the same time... Just not as fucking bad as hilti.. He is up and talking... God bless him... He is so fucking lucky... Im so jealous , green, angry that hilton did not have the same condition... .
------------------------------------

Sleeping is so hard... I hate sleeping I have these huge nightmares....
-------------------------------------
Hey scotty!

Your like a brother to me, more then my blood brother are... You were beside me this whole journey, never judge mental, just there when ever I needed... Thank you.

-------------------------------------
Good bless , sweet dreams , don't let the bug beds bite....

Monday, November 8, 2010

Grave Yard today

I know I haven't told you about the friday night huge party we had, the dean martin roast. ( For the old folks)

Anyway.. Kellie , kat and I went to the grave yard and

Purchased 8 plots...
Not sure who we are stuffing in the holes yet... Other then hilton..

And - hiltons great grandmother who has insisted when god come for her, she want to be beside him...

So the rest of the holes will be filled with me, mom( hilery) grand mother georga kellie, kat... Hilton and last one... Left over for a company raffle,
So all have a place to hang out when we are ready to join hilton...

We took off and went to a natural stone Yard....

We picked this huge nature stone with a cool curve on it that looks like a 1/2. Pipe...
And we are going to engrave his name in the curve of the pipe...

we are looking for 3 or four word to put on it...

Like :
d-bag... I'm dead...

Or
"I'm stoke for life"

I'm stoke for my new journey

I'm not a fan

Or

He like. The saying

"Hey now brown cow"

Or maybe

" Your such an idiot"

Give me some ideas please????????????

It has to be all hilton...
And when its done in may 2011 we will show pics, ..

Peach - hiltons dog, had a dump on someone... And I didn't have a pooh bag...
Please don't tell anyone... .

I'm having such a bad day, its like I'm a alcoholic and going through withdraw...

I the waves of sadness or so overwhelming ....

I'm so glad kellie and kat are with me...

Georg , hilts little sister went to school today... Good for her... She was so sad last night... It took my breath away...

What I know about hilton ( I'm struggling)

I know hilton had a stand off -ish attitude. Toward many

He came across angry,

Confident

Arrogant

He did not cry...
Unless he thought he failed...

He loved to win,
He would not try to beat other people , his victories, against his opponents.... was himself...

He did not respect anyone that let him down.. And the definition of " let him down" was his own....


He was sarcastic,

He loved to giggle

He love hanging out in the kitchen, and just talking an cooking

Holidays were his favourite time of year, all those people in and out of the house...

He was smart

He had a great vocabulary

He love to work hard, like a bull in a china shop...


He was cocky

He protected you

He has such a monty python sense of humour.


He was tall and slim

He had a look all his own..

He loved being bugged , pinch here, a poke...

He would borrow stuff and keep it

And deny he took it , only to find it in his room

He always said I love you,,,

And a gain that loyalty,,

He was so loyal...

He was a dynamic person who should have never died...


I love you

Dad.

Tired

I can't stop hurting deep inside, it pulls at me,
Like a weight I can't take off

Sleep has become a treat...

I love you hilton

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Part 1: Celebration of hilton byrne. Start at the church.... Part 1 of 2....

Its sunday 2 day after we celebrate hiltons life I'm still suffering from the worst emotion hang-over I have ever had....

So lets go back to friday just prior to the start..

It snowed that morning... Wonderful, hilton loved the snow...

As the church began to fill at 2pm one hour and 15 minutes prior to the service starting,
paster liz came in to do a pre game prayer talk to kat and penny and get everyone's name straight...

I ask my sister kelly to get a case of water and 20 boxes of kleenex for the shit show that was sure to come....

Thank god, cause I was so dehydrated I drank 4 bottles of water... And by the way I did not pee for 3 hours..

As we set up the pictures of my son around the church, and pulled some of his belonging out to lay across the alter... We made jokes and laughed , and yes... Duh... "hugged" people who came early...
yes I hugged people..
Shit its hard not too so shut up...

Grandma Joe came, wheel chair and all.... " You never want to say good by to your great grand son"

When the music started at 2:30pm
I stared at the pictures on the slides , standing at the front of the united church at a hand rail, allowing the hand rail to hold me up...

Penny kept approaching me , touching my Back I really felt like she was inside my bubble, and was testing my patients, I know your gonna tell me I was insensitive, but I Didn't say a word... I just felt like every time someone touched me while I stood at the front of that church alone....
I realised at that moment I had not been alone in 26 days... I had not one waking moment where I could bit my nails, pick my ears, fart , cry.... Fuck you all I wanted to scream.., and now I turn around , here, begins the larger then life support network...of 600 people... Sitting in the church, And I want to be selfish and tell the whole church to fuck off get lost... You can't share a fucking thing ... Get OUT!!!!
Get the fuck out and leave me alone , leave me and my family you assholes have no idea what the fuck is going through me head what I'm feeling .. ...
Deep breath,
Come to the present....
penny leaves me Up at the alter.. ( No punn)

my vision clears,

I can hear voices... I sniff, and wish my son didn't fuck'n ride that day,
that he didn't make that mistake That day at that time...
That he didn't hit his head so hard on the asphalt. That hard.... Why was he not a wake and with me now...
Who the fuck are you GOD!! to take my SON!!!!!!, MY FUCKING SON ..!!!!!!!!!.
Sanp back to reality

Deep breath...
Paster liz looks at me... Like we should begin...
Its 3:10pm

I turn around to 500.00 people...
All share in my tears...
I realise how exposed I left my family to this whole blog bull shit...

As I sit down...in the front row... It was the only time you don't want front row seats..

missing my son so much
my heart felt like it was going to rip out of my chest.... Gasping for air, my skin just under my Eye's was sore and dry, it hurt to blink...

Liz got the order in which the parents will speak..
penny , kellie and the Tim...

I promised kat and georga that I would read their letters to hilton... At the congregation....

Deep deep breath, I, like the moms were so worried that we would never make it through this moment, , both kellie and penny had there eulogy written ,

I, like usual had some rough cryptic notes,
fuck it why write it down.. In case I don't make it though....yeah right/ I love public speaking and I new my subject so well.... That's an under statement...I was not worried , I was so close to hilton... I could tell you when he shit , drank and ate before he did... God I love him.....
But I was scared ... That... I .. Would ... Just drop to my ...knees .... And... Weep.... Endlessly WEEP...

As liz began.... I realised that the whole event was being recorded... .. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think to record this icky sad event, and now that we have done it...
Maybe a few years from now I could look at the tapes.
Saying that some things are best lived once... And only once...


Time was moving so fast it stood still and the clock got hung on every word and I did not hear a bloody thing.. Yet Each cough, each sneeze, every grind of a graveled shoe on the hardwood floor.... I could hear ... To my left was sean , kellies brother to my right was Alex... She is beautiful...

I reach over seans lap and touched kellies hand , I held it so tight that my
Knuckle was white in the centre and pick on the out side and it was slippy with sweat...
My armpits were worse I could feel the cold sweat on my rib cage dripping slowly ....using my shirt in combination with my elbow to stop the sensation with a quick awkward rub that I hope the people behind me can't tell....

As liz finished and ask each one of us to speak...

I did not hear a world of pennys speech, and then kellie, ... She was great, but again the only word i heard was " he would have been stoked"

And liz made eye contact with me, and I stood, up right in front of my girls slowly, and turn to the group,
I read kats and georga's letters to Hilton...

I could barely catch my breath from the emotion that slapped me in the face from my daughters simple words.. Kats final words... "I'm gonna miss you snow baord buddy"

.... And georga...

"After it rains ... There will be a rainbow".....

Wow..

I love my girls....

I love the simple passion... For what hilton gave them...... A bad attitude..... ( That's dry humour)

Now its my turn... I have not rehearsed, practised anything.
I wrote some point form notes to ensure there was a beginning , middle and end... So I did not blubber for 30 minutes...

Yet who really gives a shit because how often do you get to say good bye to your dead son...
NEVER ..... Fuck...


I wanted to make sure everyone laughs, cries and truly understood at least 5% of my pain and sorrow...

So. like the blog I shared the fear of loosing your small child in a store... And I took my microphone off and said... HILTON... HILTON .....HILTON so loud like I was searching for something... For my son... But this time he was not coming back... Fuck you why, why me...

With that,
the church went quiet, I could hear small sobs, and sniffs... I touched kat... And said..
He did not leave the world with out doing a lot of stuff.. And continued to tell everyone about all the great experiences hilton has had... From snowboarding to parashutting, to cooking to camping.. Canoeing to hockey...

He has done so much....

I ended with

God bless sweet dream don't let the bed bugs bite...

And soon enough the service was over... Thank god..

The fresh air of being out side in the snow and rain felt so good.... So many faces , with tears sharing my pain....

It felt so good, it took an hour to give 300 people a hug and share word of strength...

And like true tim byrne out side the church, $
I told everyone to join my family and I at the best celebration... We could ever set up for a child... And this night will rock for hiltons sake....

Hiltons jeep got robbed

Last night hiltons jeep got robbed and kellie his stepmoms motor bike got stolen.

Now if anyone knows anything please contact me

The people that did this
Returns hiltons stuff please...

We are not sure what they got of hiltons... But we want it back..

And we will not press charges..

2 Videos Produced for Hilton's Wake

Kat worked around the clock for 3 days with Josef and Darryl to produce these videos for the wake (and plan the music and the photo montages)




Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Hilton Byrne Foundation

For the distribution of helmets,

Safety of board sports

Creating a opportunity to ride with out cars


The only thing we are waiting for is TD bank

They are a little slow...

Once this is down a pay pal account will be set up

We will set up a private baord of directors with the ontario long baord form

Or

Send cheques too:

20 bessemer court

Concord ontario

L4k 3c9

Care of

The Hilton Byrne foundation..

A friend from williams remembers.... Grade 9

Dear Tim and Family,
I want to thank you all for extending the open invite to Hilton's funeral and reception yesterday. The service was lovely, and the reception was beyond awesome. Such a reflection of his personality. Although it was a sad occasion, I left it with the feeling of extreme inspiration and admiration for the life that Hilton led. The videos of him gave me goosebumps; how so much talent could fit into one person is unbelievable.

I vividly remember meeting Hilton for the first time; it was the first day of high school and we sat at the same table in our Grade 9 science class. We sat in the back of the room which was the perfect environment for joking around and having a good time. He had quite a sense of humour and sarcasm which some people didn't get, but I found hilarious. I remember waiting for him at the public library one day, we were working on a science diarama, building it from a cardboard pizza box. I was sitting at a table waiting for him when he snuck up behind me, bopped me on the head with the pizza box, and ran away and hid, chuckling. Such a goof. He was also such a great listener; we would share teenage grievances and complaints with each other, it was nice to have each other to vent to sometimes. He also expressed for me the great love he had for his sisters. He introduced me to the Beatles one day, after he was shocked that I'd never heard 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band'.
The thing that most struck me about Hilton was his maturity; I met him at a young age, an age where most people are trying to fit in, or are just figuring themselves out as adults. Hilton already knew who he was. He knew what he liked and what he valued, and he knew what he couldn't stand up for. He didn't put up with any crap, and I respected him for it.
I began to lose touch with Hilton after he left Williams. I remember him being not too happy about the switch at first, but I spoke with him a couple months later, and it was evident Tim, that you'd helped push him in the right direction. He told me his grades were improving, and the people were really nice, although he missed the nice Williams girls, haha. I told him I was working at a bakery, and he requested that when he come in to visit, I hook him up with cookies galore. He never came in for those cookies, and we lost contact after that, yet I remember his face as if I saw him yesterday. It's obvious to me that you, and his entire network of family and friends helped him flourish into the wonderful man that he was. He was so full of passion, it amazes me. When I saw you wearing that turkey hat yesterday, I just knew that somewhere, he was laughing his head off, probably making fun of us all for being so mopey. I'm so happy that I got to know Hilton, even if it was just for a little while; he's a one of a kind guy. Yesterday was wonderful, and he no doubt loved every minute of it. Two fingers for Hilton forever!
Lots of love,
Olivia Gissing

Friday, November 5, 2010

NO HUGS,

Look for the signal ... Because my family isn't looking for a shit tsunami... And the first sign is the hug......

A little snow in aurora would be perfect... It means hilton is coming to his party

In Memory of Hilton Byrne by Justus Zimmerly

In Memory of Hilton Byrne from Justus Zimmerly on Vimeo.

Hilton Byrne passed away peacefully on October 30th, 2010, twenty days after he was struck by a motorcycle while skateboarding with friends.

This footage is from a session we had on Canada Day, just a few months earlier. I recorded the footage with the intention of editing a really fun video but I became busy with other projects and never got to it. When I heard that Hilton had been in an accident and was in a coma, I knew it was time to finish the video. However, by the time I got home from travelling, Hilton had passed and I decided the video needed a new direction.

The session documented here was one of the most enjoyable days of skateboarding I have ever had and I will always remember it fondly. It was just as much about hanging out and goofing around with a couple of good friends as it was about riding. Hilton was stoked to see the finished video and I really wish he could have.

Ride in peace Hilton

The DAY WE CELEBRATE YOUR HUGE LIFE......

Hi

Hey buddy

I never in my wildest dreams ever want to be going to your funeral; that in its self was fuck up....
But I going too...

And.... if I'm gonna do this fucked up thing I'm gonna make it something that no one ever forgets.

This will not be the last time I type in this blog, I have a couple of more entries.
I have a few more thing I will say to you, they family and the few people that in a month will remember this blog and come back to see it...
This moment in time.

The time that my world stood still....


A lot of people will be speaking tonight, a lot of people from different corners of your life, that I was not privileged to know about until now... (Sweet:))

Like a bad startek episode, these two world were never to see each other but you ,

only you could make that happen...capt: kirk... Next thing ya know you will be dating a green alien

The universe will never be balanced again...... Heheh

Anyway,

Don't panic, I won't embarrass you today, you will be proud of me,

The same pride I have for you.... The same huge pride I have for you my sweet boy , my son...

I might cry a little but I won't lose it... And I will keep my act together...
Not because I have too but because I know you always thought it was cool to see me speak....and be strong...

Shit don't let me forget
KAT..... She worked so hard with her "peps", putting this video and pic presentation together...
Its smoking...

Do me a favour hilti, protector your sisters today... Do let anyone hug them ,
give them the strength. Not to have super huge shit show unless they want too please...
----------------
So....
I'm gonna pluck my nose hair, go have some bagels with the girls, coffee it up... And then have the biggest, most dynamic shit show of my life.... Full tilt hold nothing back.... Your
are gonna smile so big... And be proud of your friends and family

You are the centre of attention... Right now, screw your two sisters, you now are the only thing that matters ( just for today, don't let your head get to big)


I love you..

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sept 2007. 11 king street.. He loved working at stadia

Hilton

 

Trish Back and the Floros family

Dear Penny, Tim and family,



Remembering the days when Penny and I would plan for Hilton would come over after school to visit with our son James Floros.

He and James would be loudly and exuberantly playing in the other room then I would notice that things had become quiet – too quiet!

I'd make some noise as I got close only to hear them whisper, then snicker when I asked what was up. "Oh nothing" (exaggerated innocent whistling followed). Hilton would giggle even more as he let James do the talking. Those two played so well together.

Hilton's grandmother and Kat would sometimes come to pick him up and he always was an outstandingly polite and nice kid.



Back when dinosaurs were the hot topic on the Wells Street playground and Pokémon was popular I would read this poem to my boys when I tucked them in at night. It seems appropriate now as we remember Hilton.



Evening Prayer



The beautiful day has slipped away,

And the night has moved gently in.

I kneel by my bed, and I offer thanks

For the wonderful time that has been

For the song of the birds in the trees above

And the warmth of the golden sun



I thank you, God, for your loving gift

Of the beautiful day that is done.



The beautiful night feels cool and right,

Now the warmth of the day is gone.

I kneel by my bed, and I offer thanks

For the wonderful hours till dawn.

For the crickets' song in the darkened hedge

While the stars fill the sky like flowers



I thank you, God, for your loving gift

Of this beautiful night of ours.





Keeping you all in our thoughts and hearts,

Trish Back and the Floros family

Leeann Lake. A Stadia Widow...

In 1988 I met Hiltons Dad, Tim. Ours is an ongoing story and one my whole family has cherished over the last 2 decades. I was 18 years old and Tims Family ran the glass company in Aurora. My Father, Rodney, had left a long time postion at Dixon Pencil as a forman and was looking for a new direction. The Byrne Glass company took a chance on him and that is where our story starts. They hired my father and after a year, the company was no longer(a year in my dads life meaning ) Tim and his brothers, after careful thought..Decided to embark on an adventure of thier own, and with that decision took my father with them. STADIA was born. I remember my dad thinking how all his bosses were no older than his daughter ..but being a trooper he stuck it out.For years my dad was known in loving contex as the OFW when Stadia was created.(OFW=Only Fucking Worker) In 1989 I was pregnant, and Tims wife Penny too was expecting..It was very exciting for both of our families to know a new addition would soon be on the way..Rodney to be a granddad..and tim to be a DAd. In may of 1990 Hilton Alexander made his gracious appearance, and in July of that same year I delivered a beautiful baby girl, Amber. I still to this moment recall visits in early fall of 1990 with both wee ones in car seats at Rod and Audreys place in Newmarket, chewing the fat and enjoying each others company . And never.. since those days.. moments havnt gone by that each family didnt genuinely care about the other. Which brings me to why Im writing this . Tim Byrne has been a rock , a strength in any situation, and over the years has passed on some wonderful traits to Hilton.In what seems like a blink of an eye Hilton had grown into a strong determined man who could open doors and solve his problems, who could be diligent yet compasionate the list of perfect traits could go on and on. When Tim wanted anything..he forged forward and got it, and He passed that on to Hilton..Fear was and is not in the vocabulary and the strength and perserverence is not to be reckened with. Yet, in the face of all adversary, they remain strong and dignified and poised and give what is needed to get thru a situation. I remember 15 years ago..My mother came to me and said.." I wonder if theres a place to get a shirt made?" I asked why..she replyed..I wanna get a shirt with STADIA WIDOWS CLUB on the front... I laughed so hard..UNTILL..6 years ago..MY husband joined the Stadia team..and I thought..where the hell can I get that shirt printed up...??But as a family together weve grown up with Tim ..and Hilton and his brothers and sisters and all the kids, and we know what drives Tim, and his excitement to pass on that drive to all around him, including his children. Hilton had the passion, to do what seemed right and what felt good and that is so much more than many of us get to experience in a whole lifetime. This, in 21 years..is the first time I know Tim wasnt strong enough to get through ( nor any one else in the family)..and I want to hug each and every one of you and tell you...Thats whats supposed to happen..your NOT suposed to know what to say, or do or feel and its ok..Now is your time to reflect and hold each other, and set differences aside and know that no matter how unfair it seems that his time with you was not nearly long enough, you did the job you were asked by God to do.You gave your son the tools to be responsible, and diligent, accountable and loving.You loved him with all of your hearts and he in turn carried on a legacy built by father and given to son.You showed him the rewards of painstakingly hard work and gave him the oppertunity to enjoy life. To do the extreame yet be the compassionate soul.
My personal Thanks is always in order for you and your family for being there for us..At every wedding and baby being born, Through Sick Kids hell with Ella to Eugenes Cancer diagnosis last year.You and Hilton worked so hard to put together the lawn sale and silent auction for our family..to make sure we got thru Christmas with all our wee ones, That Eugenes cancer drugs are covered..You've been a light at the end of a very dark tunnel..You and Hilton( I Know he helped with that) I want to tell you Im proud of youfor instilling these beautiful giving qualities in your son and know that even though you have no answers, That God has a very special place for Hilton, and in his heart..God thanks you for doing such a wonderful job instilling the qualities that you posses in your son.My words will never make the pain go away, Nor could I ever possibly know what it is to loose a child, But please know that we love you, and we are here to help youget thru this..If you wanna yell, scream ,cry, or anything..Our Whole family will always be here for you..just as you've always been here for us.We love you Tim..and all of your family and pray everyday for healing and understanding.