Snowboarding yesterday, : emotional check in

As a father who has lost his son I want to explain to my great great grand children how I feel....
This blog will become a record for my family.

•I have had friends and people around me tell me I'm in a new club so small and such a private club that no one knows who is a member, and. Its such an exclusive club.... That know wants to be member, THE LOSS OF A CHILD club.

my relationship was awesome,
we were father and son, we loved, fighted, yelled , hugged, played, worked, .screams, shared, napped, traveled, challenged each other ever day, we lived together, we bitched at each other for hot water....
I taught him how to go pee..... In the potty....
I taught him how to ride a bike.

I told hilt if he wanted to fight someone he could fight me...

I have screamed at him

I have hugged him

I have sorry to him

I loved him....

When we weren't together we missed each other.

His name was hilton, hilti, hilto, hilts, retard, goof, ass,

I loved him,

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Dec 27 2010

Today while snow boarding I would cry while going down the hill, tears in my eyes, my throat closed up, almost gasping for air,

I can't help to think what would be ........

What he would do, were he and I would travel... Watching his dreams come true, get married, love , have kids....
Oh my god... Have kids! ....

Or how about run stadia/Byrne....

Hilton had just found himself this last year, ask anybody at my office hilton was going to be a leader,

I just plain and simply miss him...

I want him back...

All this with music blasting in my head and my two girls in front shredding turns so hard.
I'm sure their minds are racing fast like mine...

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Dec 29 2010

As every ones life keeps moving forward, my life stands still,

I get so fuck up when people ask me how my holiday was .........

I feel like every person I meet I want to blurt out my son is dead......

It like a big pink elephant in the room , I'm a LCBO commercial....
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I just want this pain to stop, I want to stop managing my tears.... And random emotions...
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My mom quit the blog, it was killing her,

Some friends send me email now and then and check in.... Even if I don't reply I need that....I need those email, its nice to know people are still there and give a shit.
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Dec 30th 2010

Having lunch with one of my senior team members... And as I spoke about the company and this persons career.... I kept feeling like I was going to cry or just cry.... It must have been the fucking strangest lunches.....for this person.....

I don't go to the office often, and I feel very overwhelm by the experience.....

As we got back that afternoon.... We had heard another stadia solider had taken turn.... But this person just keeps on going....

I wish I could tell you everything I know about this person.... But I can't.

I can tell you he is a strong and with huge pride and loyalty to his family... And I'm honoured I know him.