Another week

So its seems my emotional bank is running in a 2 week cycle,

Kat say I'm more like a chick now more then ever.
-----------------------------------

It seem emotionally I can go for about 5 to 7 days before I become a fucking loone and can't stop crying and want to climb in a deep dark box... And once in this deep dark box with no light it seem it take me about 7 to 10 days to crawl out.

My confidence is easily shaken. Insecurity anxiety, overwhelming feeling of pressure on my chest,
Dave say my pengilium is swing... And I need to keep it in check...

Even the most secure things in my life feel like they are being raped in front of me while I watch.

Then as time passes and the dead of night lands on my shoulder blinking in the darkness, not knowing if I'm awake or a sleep...

Only to feel the reality of tears sliding down my temple along my hair line...staring at a dark ceiling, Only then do I realize that I'm fully awake in darkness alone and this is not a dream my son is dead.....
---------------------------------
--------------------------------
This week my emotional bank is full and I'm feeling calm, not a day goes by with out crying, but on these weeks when my emotional bank has fuel , it just a slow burn of pain, that if managed and I stay low key I can keep my self in check....
-----------------------------------

Tonight the girls and I went to shoppers drug mart, bought some watermelon lady speed stick for me... Yes I where ladies deodorant.... Go a head laugh... I'm good with it..
We also bought some facials.... OMG what a mangina...

Came home, the three of us giggling went to put our masks on so we can revitalise our skin..... Each watching each other, our skin get hard, talking weird, we all laughed and laughed...

And I realised, this is the first time we have laughed... Without effort, our lives are normal for 60 minutes...in the last 120 days...
I didn't want to wreck it, ssshhhhh... Don't say it out loud and maybe it will last.

Kat let me take photos, and she laughed...georg just felt like she was playing... It was a wonderful moment, and when I realised it was happening , you realize hilton is gone.... I try to ignore it forget him..

Some times it the only thing I can do....forget those 20 days

Then you have guilt because you want to forget,
then you say I must remember him if I'm going to honour him... Back and forth nerve racking exhausting lowering you emotional bank fast, and by the time you realize .... The great moment of being happy, is.... over ... You can barely keep a grip...

Fuck this bullshit.... If your still reading... It is the hardest motherfucking thing I have ever done... Loneliness,
Has been created by the loss of my Son.... and I try to rationalise it I try to understand grieving... But when your in battle the map you were using to plan the battle does not seem relevant when bullets are going over your head and your scared to death what tomorrow will bring....
----------------------------------
Dave....... Ooooooo dave I have girls in my life that are scared of dave, because he brings reality to my life, ensures I think and understand rationalise every thing.....
--------------------------------------
I'm always tired, sleep is a rare treat, these days, ya know there was a time that I could go to bed with a tim hortans coffee at 10 at night and pass out...
--------------------------------------
Today.... Not a chance... Sleep scares me, it seem like every dream takes me weird places...
---------------------------------
This weekend I'm with bib costa , a good friend from new jersey
Snowboarding... And it the first... Oh I hate first... Its the first time I have seen him since Hilton died, we snowboarding all day and he ask lost of question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop and we would baord,
The another question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop.... And we would baord..

I told him it was ok to talk about it, he was concerned...

We go home tomorrow, and I can't wait to see some special people in my life,

I hope the drive is not as shit as it was coming out...

-----------------------------------
Scared of this week it is a week where my cycle say its gonna be shit for me emtionally...

Fucking tough week

Dentist
Dr. Larry, just seeing him with out hilton 18 years... It was dreadful...

------------------------------------
Katie painted a beautiful picture of hilton: what an experience, katie sent me a picture at every stage, and we shared emotions during the creating period..
-------------------------------
Hilton bigger then the nationals committee meeting
Sean and Sarah: great young people... Left a christmas gift behind... A picture of hilton... Really tough... To see...

I didn't even go to the meeting and it over took me emotionally
--------------------------
Met with a customer ( small customer/ friend, not really tested the water if I could do it, hand picked john... And I balled like an idiot, I'm not ready for the outside world yet)
--------------------------------
Saw my friend at the bank: hugged lisa, and trembled in her office
--------------------------------
Kat wakes up with bad dreams. And crawls into ed with me just wanting to hide
-------------------------------
Sheri at mt st. Louis today asks me what the little silver charm is around my neck........ That charm is my sons ashes...
-------------------------------

Its seems like it was a big week of first..... And hiltons was every where.... Fuck me
Boom boom boom boomm.. It just kept coming and coming and every thing above has a story... Every person stares at you, ask you if your ok, that they are sorry, a hundred miles an hour.... Spinning,, crazy....OMG... Fuck overwhelming crazy....

The girlfriends back yard.....( Its a funny story)

>
> The sun is out today...
>
> It makes you feel good because the warm sun is beating down on you... but it also brings a rush of sadness. I miss Hilton so much..every single minute of every day. I told Ivi last night...it's like he walks beside me where ever I go. It's nice because I have him there but at the same time it brings a pain that sometimes feels almost unbearable. I'll always feel the pain...I want to feel it, I don't want to push it away, though. I feel it..really feel it because you need a "down" to have an "up" and vice versa.
>
> Anyway, I thought of a funny story (or at least it's funny to me and Hilton) today while I was outside on the swing we spent a lot of time on. I had to dodge poops in the backyard because the snow just melted all at once and suddenly there's so much...gross! It made me remember...
>
> Once when Hilton was over, we were going through old records/cd's in my basement and there was a dog poop on the floor. It was really gross, and I didn't want to pick it up because we CONSTANTLY were finding dog poops down there when my two dogs got down there. I told him to look away then I gently placed a playing card over it...and voila.. problem solved, right?
>
> He never let me forget that! He would laugh his ass off and push my shoulder playfully when he laughed at me. He wasn't freaked out, he just thought I was gross..which I'm fine with..haha. It made me laugh....thinking to myself outside on the swing today...it's a small memory but huge at the same time.
>
> I miss him so much and sometimes I NEED him here. Its a very unique pain when you need something you can't have. I loved him...I'm in love with him still and although he's not physically coming back, he walks with me every day.
>
> I talk to him every day....and dog poop reminds me of him. Yeah... dog poop...and I'm alright with that!
>
> Don't cry from this email...try not to cringe either! He's awesome and he walks with you, too, Tim.
>
> Love always
>
> Natalie
>
>
>

Katie Byrne portrait of hilton byrne

imagejpeg_2.jpg

WOW, katie.... WOW

Going to Larry

Sunday night kat and georg and I discussed going to the dentist monday morning at 8am.

Its funny the overwhelming anxiety you can have to go see a dentist. And not for the reason ya think...

Most of us don't like people picking in our mouth.....

hilton, kat georg and I have turn going into the dentist into a ritual, we love having our teeth cleaned and having breakfast after, it was our thing...... ( Stupid thing small, but so important to us)

I have never not gone to the dentist with hilton for 18 years.

Monday morning was going to be the first time, without the LAD

As we arrived monday morning at 8am as a gentlemen , I opened the front door of the dentist office for kat and georg,

kat looked at me and said you go first, ......
There was a moment, 2 or 3 seconds we stared at each other.... Fight or flight...

That moment our eyes met, and we both wanted to run-a-way.... And between the both of us , busting through..... Was Georg... Who could give a shit, and so innocent, about what was going on between my beautiful 18 daughter and I...

We stroll in and the lady behind the counter says.... You guys are tomorrow...

Yahoo..... You could see how fast I grabbed the door knob and kat body slams the glass door like starsky and hutch..... Georga is like fuzzy bear.... Just there for the ride....

Dr. Larrys receptionist yells,..... "Guys its tomorrow same time". As her voice lessons with the closing of the door......

Kat and I get a bonus day to hide from our demons,
--------------------------------------
Kat and I barely discuss our anxieties out loud, in depth... grieving...no need we both get it,
And the dentists... Is just one more thing In this year of fucking firsts that has been force upon me.... And my family.....

Tuesday morning.......

Dr. Larry said he was sorry for my loss, we discussed the weather..... And I cried, and could not make eye contact....

Thank christ that 1st is over.....

--------------------------------
We left the dentists office and I ask kat.... " So did he say anything to you?" She said; no, you?... " Yeah, and my lip quivered, and nothing else was said in the truck that morning as I glanced at georga in my review view mirror, in the back seat and she said........ " I love you poppy"
its like she just knows ...

Its horrible that the grieving we go through is so well understood between us that no word need to be shared anymore, ... Just a simple glance at my 9 year daughter and I know how much she misses her brother.........

Another fucking day.... Another fucking day....
-------------------------------------
Right now I'm hiding in my. Board room... Listening to other laugh.... As I cry.............as I type ..

Some days are more difficult then other.....

Hilton I love you buddy. I wish I could have you back..... God dammit......

Esso station.

In this journey I have been on I have had the pleasure to meet wonderful people who have suffered.

Disease, death, debt, mental illness, all kinds of shitty thing...

Anybody who has experiences
( t-shirts as i Call them- I got the t-shirt, is what I say....)

So anyone who's got the tshirt, realises that life is to short, certain things don't matter, don't sweat the small stuff is understated._
-----------------------------------
This last week I met a wonderful woman in a gas station who told me she reads the blog, knows my family and called me a mangina.... Its a joke from the girls in my family...

Robin in my office cleaned hiltons desk up, put all his belonging in my office, I ask her to do this and as fate would happen I walk in to the office when it was happening,.... I walk out of the office.

Had lunch with my sister, she gives me a good feeling inside my soul

Then had a big finish with my therapist....... Dave is helping through all this shit,

Dealing with loss this last year,
I have lost so much more then my son, and I'm not looking for a pitty party,
But holly fuck......

I'm looking for good things now, and I remember the bad, holding on to the bad to ensure that I don't repeat mistakes and learn,

-----------------------------------
Take stock parents: if you have kids call them, hug them love them, because tomorrow they could be gone.
---------------------------------

hilton~ by katie byrne.jpg

Katie has been working really hard to bring hilton to life,
She has given me a rare opportunity to see her work before its done,
Please don't tell her I have shared it ......

Big white pole 5

BC, big white, black forest chair lift pole #5 33paces, to the east... ( hilton drop #3)

Friday:
Each time we finished a run this afternoon, I want to say as happy and
with as much positive energy as I can,
as I can muster up, ... "Hilton would have loved that"!!!!!!!...
Choking back , hyper ventilating, trying to create a sense of wellness and balance in my universe.....
--------------------------------
Hilton never made it to big white to snow board, that in its self pisses me oFF.
As I look across a chair lift to 3 girls with tears running down there faces... You know it stings... It really hurts to knows hilton is gone for ever
And georga says to mom... " There gonna freeze"
With a soft touch of a frozen glove to a cold check...
------------------------------------
Friday night:
Tonight we went out to dinner and the meal was
Shit, the company was great,
neil & heather, drove up to hang , I loved seeing them the were part of Hiltons lives. A part of his life that I never knew.... University, here in BC....
Kris, Carrie,
Neil, Heather,
kellie,phil,
Kat, Georg.
And ME.......
--------------------------------
Saturday:
Last day.... Its time....
5am.... Good morning...

My guts turn , my throat closes... I hate this ..... But it so badly need to be done for us as a family,
_________________________
Kris and Carrie.... Big smooch, they invited us and have made us feel so welcome,
and took a lot of anxiety away..
_________________________
6:30am:
we all drag ourselves out of bed, kat whispers, I'm gonna put him in pocket... ( Like she would forget him).
The eastern view out of our condo, is awesome clouds, being shred open by sun burning through as the mountain holds up the sky making it a God like experience streams of sun moving with the lite fog... with everyone grabbing there camera, not me I'm just enjoy the moment, its -6 the coldest its been all week, yet warmer then the average...we see...
_________________________
Egg sandwiches for everyone...
__________________________
Big white has cool, snow ghost... Everywhere,
Trees smothered, in snow looking wonderfully surreal, ____________________________
Georga ask me why do we have to find a place for hiltons ashes...that we can find again...
I told her; well Jo Jo, its important so that when you come back her
when you an old lady,
you can tell your grandchildren,
where he is..
And as you grow up, and get lost along the way, you can go to vermont, tremblant, big white... Find hiltons spirit, sit right here and ask him for help... ,
when ever your lost find he will find you and make sure your safe Baby......
---------------------------------
Its 1:30pm just getting dressed, and going back out, quiet, lonely feeling, and I'm with 5 others.... My breathing is shallow, and I'm talking under my breath, my daughters catch me and ask, who are you talking too, I do this more and more since hilton died,
-------------------------------
Its TIME,
hey hilti it time for a little bit of you to watch over us here at big white,
I drop the ashes at vermont,

kat dropped hiltons ashes at tremblant,
Now its georga turn... Georg is 9 she has lost her brother,
and now she gonna help hilton rest his soul,
here at big white....
Black forest chair lift, pole five 30 paces to the right east, looking up... Sit here and talk to him.....
When you come here
Watching my children leave there brother ashes behind, is a brutal experience takes my fucking breath away...
This is the 3cd time and its heart wrenching...
Sunny perfect view of mountains, soft white snow,
Another piece of our journey complete....
I hold my breath in hopes i can contain my tears... I strain to keep my self up right, tears roling off my face like a slow dripping faucet, so unreal , my face un changed....
I can't believe I was meant to live beyond my child
---------------------------------

Tree riding was the best with hilton...

This afternoon, riding with kris , kat and georg in the trees...... it just felt so GOOD,

Sweating....

The trees were tight, fun, and we all had great bounce, we did this run about 4 times... Fast and hard, lots of hard tight turns cutting, digging in, music in my head blaring loud...

We would stop every 100 turns and have a drink of water....

At the bottom on the chair lift we would have some candy, dad loves handing out the candy...
this time it was fuzzy peach candy... One for everyone....

And up we go again...

Kat and georg are so good on there boards strong accurate,
ride with intuition and care...
But still taking risk....

Hilton was the same,

Each time we stopped I couldn't help but say:
" that was great, hilton would love that" ....

I have been talking to hilton a lot out here, when I ride

It goes something like this...in my mind....

" Hey buddy, I love you so much,
I fucking hate that your gone,
I hope your OK,
I'm so sorry ,

I want you back so bad, fuck buddy why you,
( big pause)
you and I were gonna hang out together ,
snow baord together as I got old,
you were to run the business one day...

GOD , I miss you, ......

____________________________
By this time tears run down my face to edge of my goggles, pooling usually on the right Eye, I pull them off my face and keep them off, by the end of the day, I just don't wear them
-------------

I said to georg on a water break, I wish hilton was hear,
she looks at me and say.... " Yeah, I wish I could hear his voice one last time"

I can remember...
Hilton would stop with all of us and in his great mood yell out

" GGEEEOOORRGG" in a deep growl ly voice, just like mine, him yelling her name resonated with me every time she wipes out... Or we stop and she can't get up...
____________________________

Julie stephenson sent me a email tonight with a quote out of an email she has kept of hiltons....

Hilton said to her

"its the best when your
standing on the top of the hill, looking down both feet straped in, and its
that second just before you drop, and the cold hits you, but not the wind, and
you've just been woken up (b/c its still 83o in the morning) and you start down
the hill, with the huge carves, its the best feeling live ever had, i know its
sounds ridicules but its true, its amazing"

The above was written by hilton to julie
November 11, 2008
____________________________
Kat and I have stopped and discuss where to place his ashes....

It has to be a place with a view, a destination, where we can stop years from now, and a place we can find.... Again..... years later...

We have a few choice places..... Pole #5 on the blackforest chair lift.... To the left when looking up, in the middle of the trees, yet we won't do it til tomorrow...
-----------------------------------
I almost forgot to finish the university drop off story...

2008 labour day weekend drop to university,
We drove out to big white, drop to the little village where the lemon gondola is and we promised each other that I would come out and ride with him....

On the monday, after shopping at walmart, buyings bed sheet, toilet paper, tons of supplies , condoms ( no condoms just kidding) we get all his shit to his room he cam down stairs to the parking lot... Busy place kids and truck un loading... Telling me to move my car... Time stopped stood still....

We stared at each other,

( Sigh)

I hugged him,

I said:
I love you hilton...
He said:
I love you dad....

I kissed him, wedge $500.00 into his hand...
Got in my car and drove out of the valley.......

And just sobbed,

That next 4 months he was gone,,, we talked 2 twice a week, I missed him so much...

When he came back and had failed every subject, spent more money on nothing,... And was really pissied off with him self, ... That he was about to quite

I was kind of happy to have him back, I know it sound selfish... I loved hanging with my boy..... I was pissed he didn't finish or make it but I was glad he was Home

Now he will never come home again.... I find this idea of never seeing him again so fucking awful it makes my heart ache , my mouth dry.... It hurts so deep...

I love you buddy....

Big white

As we all pack and get ready to leave for big white, my excitement is coated with anxiety, vacation don't seem real with out hilton, as I pack kats stuff and load it in the truck, I truly have a surreal moment thinking I'm missing some luggage, because............ We are....

Hiltons.....

Hilton did one semester in big white ( kalowna,,, never got to snow baord, lost of long boarding, pot smoking and drinking, .... Failed ever course, love the life not the academia........
Came home tail between his legs 12,000 in debt.... But told me he was gonna go back to ride the mountain...

He never made it...

So now kat georg kellie and I are going......
With a little bit of hiltons ashes.....  To leave behind...

This is gonna be a big emotional ride, fucked up crazy... I can feel it, it started last night when I began to pack... The tsunami... In the horizon...

___________________________

Strangely being here is not as bad as being in tremblant..

Emotionally,
The physical pains in my chest only hurts a little....
Yet,
Its 4:00am half a sleep, waiting for morning, typing into a blog...
___________________________
Melissa from VAN you rock send me the comments,
Spread the blog around....
____________________________
Let go back to 2008 labour day, weekend, start of university... ( I never finished the stupid story..)
Hilti and I got into town on the thursday, and went looking for a hotel, and sure enough so was every other parent.. Dropping there kid off, I was so proud of hilton making it to university, this weekend he and I ( hilti was 18) he and I This weekend are gonna shop til we drop , go have a beer together, drive up to big white just to look at what we will be boarding on this winter, peek around campus.... I was gonna love him to death this weekend...
As we check into the no-tel-motel ground floor back alley presidential suite, it just didn't matter this was gonna be great...
It was 12am...
And we both passed out... And then awoke to the tv..... Not watching....
Crashing....
At 2am a tv, came out a plate glass window from the 2cd floor, onto the ashphalt below, right beside my truck as I peeked out the window, and could here foot steps about, I said to hilton welcome to university life.....hehehheh assholes.... ( There's more to the story...later.. Don't worry I will finish it)
_________________________
( Bring it forward to today)
4:30am..... First day... In big white 2011.. Without hilton..
I'm gonna be up first , again, that normal these days, now with the time change its even shittyier sleep.....
I even responded to a customer back in toronto.... Hi james....don't worry...
Pancakes? I love breakfast, so did the "hilton"....we would Go to nannas every 2cd weekend for pancakes.... He loved chatting with nann
------------------------------------
7am fuck that took a long time....
GOOD MORNING.......

What a day, sunny warm soft snow,
Carrie, kris, kellie kat Philip, georg and I pound down these bumps... And it was so much fun...
And kat whispered to me
"This run hilton would love let's put his ashes here"...
( Not yet)
, I still can't help but ball like a baby every time I go somewhere where I think he would love....TO BE...
Sometime this week we will find the best place...hilton to rest....

Awful , just fucking awful that I'm doing this shit....
Tonight Kat and I sat on my bed and talked for an hour in a whisper, about life, hilton, school, relationships... It was cool. We had a great fluid talk.. Back and forth...it was like she was normal or something???? EH,
Yaaaa. To be 18....
-----------------------------------
Everyone cashing early today, 7:30pm
Kris and Carrie have changed the dynamic. A little lighter, despite I can feel the tension Brew.. Dropping hiltons ashes has become a ritual....
Funny growing up with the kids, everything is a ritual, dentist.. Breakfast first day of school, snow boarding, ... The list is huge of all the traditions we had, family rituals.... And now dropping hilton off has become one.....
Sigh................ Its not fare...
Your children should not die before you.....

___________________________

Hilton would have loved big white

Kootenay Boundary E-20110203-00057.jpg

kat~dad- georg big white 2011.jpg

The girls,

Still have to smile right ( not Kat)

Kelowna BC

Tues feb 1 2011/ 9pm
As the plane land and we head to our rental van, right across from the parking lot across the highway, up the hill is the residence of UBC

Flashback:
Sept 2008 labour day hilton and I land on the thursday, get a mustang convertible and do a 160 km up a 6 lane high way to kalowna , top down winter hats on, loud music, and everything a young man owns... As he heads down a journey of the unknown... University,

To be honest if it was not for kellie hilton and I would not be here doing this drive, OMG he was such an ass in high school....

So I'm as proud of hilton at this moment as I am of kellie for being determined to get hilti here....

Sun is shining its 10 degrees C, a chill but not cold.... God it was fun being in that car, hot coffee from tim hortons... Snow top mountains...

Hilton and I discussed me coming out over the winter for a visit and some wicked boarding.... He was a long boarding at this time for about a year... And UBC varsity out door club would never look back for hiltons passion for the sport..he was so excited about anyone that would listen about his last ride......

He was determined to get a race going here
----------------------------------
Feb 1 2011 9:20
Back to reality..... we made a right instead of a left out of the airport, and I spoke about: "up that hill" was hilton s residence... ( The car got quite) its hard to get excited when you realize your one person short...

Georg says: I dreamed about hilton daddy he was in your house and I ask him could he hear every thing in the ICU at st mikes... Hilton replied..... " Everything" and he HUGGED georg and left....

Georga dreams about hilton allot.... I wish I did....(Sigh)

The drive was dark, and we all put effort to break the sad silence with laughter.

We made it to our condo, Kris and Carrie, thanks...for having us....

Seeing phil barber was cool, you can tell he is apprehensive about even bringing hilton s name up...

Hello BIG white... I hope hiltons spirit came with us... Because we brought his ashes.....

Vacations should not be like this....it fucking sucks.... Really truely it does....

Good night buddy
God bless
Sweet dream
Don't let the bed bugs bite...

-----------------------------------

Kat, katie and Alex

We all ended up at my house, and each doing our own thing, cooking, eating cleaning, napping

And slowly each one of us broke down.. Crying about all the shit we have gone through.... Not just hilton everything...

The three girls were all so close to hilton,

And as I glance up at a photo of my big boy...

My mind wonders back to my grandmother Pam who is still alive and kicking...

This morning I went out to rice lake for my bi-weekly visit... Some pancakes and a hug.. From two old ladies my mother and my grandmother.....

As we said our good byes , all the girls left my grans little house.. It was gran and I,
as I came for my wet kiss,bent at the waist, she took my hand and pull just a little to ensure I sat beside her, my head tilts in and so does grans as she raps / links her arm with mine, ( old school). A tear hits my wrist, granny was crying....

This tuff old lady wells up now and then but never does she does she cry...

She said be safe, drive safe take care of the girls and be careful out west...

I said gran.... I miss him... She said I do too.....