Kat say I'm more like a chick now more then ever.
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It seem emotionally I can go for about 5 to 7 days before I become a fucking loone and can't stop crying and want to climb in a deep dark box... And once in this deep dark box with no light it seem it take me about 7 to 10 days to crawl out.
My confidence is easily shaken. Insecurity anxiety, overwhelming feeling of pressure on my chest,
Dave say my pengilium is swing... And I need to keep it in check...
Even the most secure things in my life feel like they are being raped in front of me while I watch.
Then as time passes and the dead of night lands on my shoulder blinking in the darkness, not knowing if I'm awake or a sleep...
Only to feel the reality of tears sliding down my temple along my hair line...staring at a dark ceiling, Only then do I realize that I'm fully awake in darkness alone and this is not a dream my son is dead.....
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This week my emotional bank is full and I'm feeling calm, not a day goes by with out crying, but on these weeks when my emotional bank has fuel , it just a slow burn of pain, that if managed and I stay low key I can keep my self in check....
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Tonight the girls and I went to shoppers drug mart, bought some watermelon lady speed stick for me... Yes I where ladies deodorant.... Go a head laugh... I'm good with it..
We also bought some facials.... OMG what a mangina...
Came home, the three of us giggling went to put our masks on so we can revitalise our skin..... Each watching each other, our skin get hard, talking weird, we all laughed and laughed...
And I realised, this is the first time we have laughed... Without effort, our lives are normal for 60 minutes...in the last 120 days...
I didn't want to wreck it, ssshhhhh... Don't say it out loud and maybe it will last.
Kat let me take photos, and she laughed...georg just felt like she was playing... It was a wonderful moment, and when I realised it was happening , you realize hilton is gone.... I try to ignore it forget him..
Some times it the only thing I can do....forget those 20 days
Then you have guilt because you want to forget,
then you say I must remember him if I'm going to honour him... Back and forth nerve racking exhausting lowering you emotional bank fast, and by the time you realize .... The great moment of being happy, is.... over ... You can barely keep a grip...
Fuck this bullshit.... If your still reading... It is the hardest motherfucking thing I have ever done... Loneliness,
Has been created by the loss of my Son.... and I try to rationalise it I try to understand grieving... But when your in battle the map you were using to plan the battle does not seem relevant when bullets are going over your head and your scared to death what tomorrow will bring....
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Dave....... Ooooooo dave I have girls in my life that are scared of dave, because he brings reality to my life, ensures I think and understand rationalise every thing.....
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I'm always tired, sleep is a rare treat, these days, ya know there was a time that I could go to bed with a tim hortans coffee at 10 at night and pass out...
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Today.... Not a chance... Sleep scares me, it seem like every dream takes me weird places...
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This weekend I'm with bib costa , a good friend from new jersey
Snowboarding... And it the first... Oh I hate first... Its the first time I have seen him since Hilton died, we snowboarding all day and he ask lost of question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop and we would baord,
The another question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop.... And we would baord..
I told him it was ok to talk about it, he was concerned...
We go home tomorrow, and I can't wait to see some special people in my life,
I hope the drive is not as shit as it was coming out...
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Scared of this week it is a week where my cycle say its gonna be shit for me emtionally...
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