Welcome visitors from the Toronto Star

The story begins here.

And here you'll find an index of Hilton's 20 days in the ICU.

Foundation challenges...

Hello readers and donators,

Last year, so many people donated their hard earned money to Hilton Byrne. They didn't purchase a T-shirt or sticker, they just gave money.

For those that did just give money,I want you to know it is a real challenge to start a foundation with less than $15,000.00

The government accounting fees, legal costs and liability insurance , administration and filings, of forming a foundation are far beyond 15,000.00,
and without a steady stream of incoming revenue, a Hilton Byrne Foundation would collapse and the money would be wasted in vain....

So, to honour the spirit in which the money was donated, I have used it in the following ways memorialize Hilton.

1) I purchased a street name in his honour in Newmarket. All donators will be invited to the ceremony in the spring.....

2) We keep producing t-shirts and stickers for free give aways, flags for rides ...

3) We have used the monies to create videos and manage the blog, so it will remain as a reminder to the safety of riders...

There has been a concern from a minority, that folks may want their money back.
Valid ..... So......

If you do, call my office or email me your request confidentially , along with a copy of your cheque. I will forward you the money back within 60 days. In full....with out question....

Sorry if I have let anyone down, or left any one feeling like they got ripped off....
That is not the case nor the intention...

I'm really sorry if I let my son down...

I did really try and I believe despite the foundation not being ........

Hilton did need to be remembered and we have done that....

Thank you for your support during this difficult time


Tim Byrne...

Tim and Hilton make a video for Flex Hoarding

Night Skate for Hilton

Remember

The year of firsts is official over 3pm

Hey buddy we made it...

I don't think the year of 2cds is gonna be any easier.

There are so many things I want to write but I'm not allowed too.... Because certain people are reading this and might use this information in court to set me up for instability psychological damage I might be causing ....

( I say if ya don't like don't read it, but others not so much)

So hilti here is the edited version.

Since you died, you mom and kat hang out more, and your mom come to the office all the time... I know thank god your not there, it would embarrass the shit out of you.

Chris Mahon is doing great smart kid, and I'm sure you and he would have been partners one day

Mike wick, is rocking out the boss thing

Lester in the back other then crashing the odd. Truck, is doing great,

I hung out with the guy you crashed into.... Last year on the motor bike....oh ya how could we forget

Check this out... His birthday is on the same day as yours MAY 10

And his wife... Check this out ..... Is may 10....
I'm just fucking with ya

.... His wife is nov 5 th... The day of your funeral...

Kinda gave me goose bumps... Bone chilling... This guys is great and we hung out at the accident scene and had lunch,

Kat, me and georga alex have all had you in our dreams... Katie byrne.... She dreamed that you got drunk together,

Your head stone is cool....
I'm sure you looked at it..

Nothing but the best for you... Hilti...

Thanksgiving we had 21 people over, and it was great, ... It was normal, leanne ( she is my girlfriend) we had her whole family over ... And other then her uncle fred with one ear getting drunk... it was good.
.( Jk)

I found a shitty video of you and I that I'm gonna post.
Doing a flex hoarding spot...

I got your jeep back, spent a shit pile of money on it... ( You owe it to me back). And I'm gonna teach kat how to drive standard... Sweet, next year we are going to take the top off and Cruz around.
We are gonna keep it

Georga got a long board from the brothers who long board
sweet again...
I'm gonna get chris and albert to take her out and ride down at jefferson I think that's the place...

I'm riding your board now, and georga and I ride around all the time on our street. Georga has a poster of you up in her room
--------------------------------
My chest pains are gone,

I have had every test possible including dye shot into my heart... And you will be happy to know I have a heart and its healthy.....

Now I just feel like I'm choking all the time ...

I sleep like shit but I sleep better then I did a year ago

My doctors and my theripist all tell me its normal shit. And...........
poor nanna , she is a mess... A real mess.... Man she loved you....

Kat is a mess too... Wow... She loved you

So hilti... I got a let ya know..... I'm a fighter, big bad ass motherfucking fighter.....and I promise
From
your death and the loss of you from my life... It Will make me stronger,
and I will find a reason why this happened to us.
I will learn from this and I will be come a better person from this...... It sucks but there has to be a reason....
------------------------------------
I had so much fun with you growing up with me. You were my little buddy,
------------------------------------
Oh yeah... Just so ya know , I went to the south lake hospital auction and I bought a street to name....and guess what I'm calling it....

"Hilton Byrne parkway"...sweet eh,

Super cool, I haven't really told anybody...yet...
-------------------------------------
We got great stickers for you
And all the stadia trucks sport your logo...

And I have everyone posting you logo on there bbm status... Today very cool..

I have been down to st. mikes a few times
Spooky...

John the nurse and I have talk a few times he is very cool....

I'm sure I'm forgetting about something...

The long board meeting they tell me 900 showed up and they had a moment of silence for you

Shawn and sarah, they have be great,

Actually I can't begin to tell you about all the great people that have supported me in my journey..

I wish you were here with me,

I fucking love you hilton... And I always will,

I miss you

God dammit this sucks,

Ps: as you would say buddy... I'm not a fan of this...

Ps: Don't rest in peace, have fun up there, play hard and work hard and show them how to do it.....hheheheheh

Love
Dad.......

Board meeting

Flag for the board meeting

From Andreas... Photos of Hilton that make us smile...

Elgin mills cemetery, 404 and elgin mills, HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Section 8
Near the paved cemetery road on the 404 side....of the property

You should be able to drive by and with out getting out of your car see the head stone...

2 finger/ heart, and a board... Logo... With his name...

Catherine Harris is here she is my great grand mother....
Hiltons great great grandmother.....

Its may 9th 2011 3;00pm kat ( hiltons 18 year old sister and I wait for the truck that carries the stone,
1600 lbs of love,
18 degress Celsius,
sunny,
warm,
little wind... Perfect spring day,
not a cloud in the sky,

the truck we are in has
"you make me horny long time" playing on the stereo...
kat looks over to me slowly,
streams of tears off her red eyes,
painfully she smiles and asks me; " what is wrong with you" ......
I reply:
" hilton would have loved this moment...." He would have giggled and called me a retard".....

Kat and I just had a moment, heheheheheh..... Not fucking funny....

Its not fair that I'm here wait to place the engraved stone of my beautiful baby boy.... He turns 21 years on tomorrow,
I can't contain the pain, fear and anxiety I'm feeling as I listen to the Beep beep of the truck backing up,

Josef the cemetery dude with a smile says hello as he polices the event of lowing the stone on its resting place for all eternity.

Kat sobs, you can see the tear, but the rev, of the truck engine overwhelm s every other sound,

Josef asks if he can leave because I seem to be in control....

I'm not,

Kat and I hug infront of the stone.... Balled, I told her as my shoulders shook, how sorry I am that she has lost her brother

I ask her what type of flowers to bring... She said she want everyone to bring pansies.... Cause hilton was one......

I'm tired.....
------------------------------------
I have lashed out at so many people, yelled, look for people to fight with, feeling like I'm out of control,

I have been so hard on my new girl friend leanne, she has to love me if she took that shit,

-----------------------------------

Today is may 10 2011...

I love you hilton

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

May 10 2011.... He would have been 21... 21 years old.... This is so fuck up

The hounsomes and the byrne clan came to the grave yard to say good bye..

I won't be writing on the blog anymore....

Not until the anniversary of his accident....

Thanks to everyone who has helped my family get thought the dog shit of a child dying

But I'm gonna take a break from purging, typing, venting and try to heal on my own alone

Hilton being gone has really fuck me over and has changed the way I see life, and the way I live,

I hope that the people who have read the blog, those 21 days... Those people who have watch the videos , those people who came to his celebration of life .... I hope all you have learned to love a little more and to live a little better because of this journey hilton has taken us on....

I love you buddy

God bless

Sweet dreams

Don't let the bed bugs bite....

Happy birthday to Caitlin lazenby born may 10 2011

Jen and Ian I love you congratulations.....

Intentions Vs Action

While I'm judging my self by my intentions

My spouse, friends, colleagues are judging me by my actions

Said to me by a friend named george......

While we discuss hilton, mourning, loss and sadness...

Quick up date and a couple of comments..... Birthday, feelings, key chains,

I have had a weird few weeks, feeling vulnerable, like at any moment anyone close to me could pull the plug,
Emotional, physically..... ......When does the turmoil stop,
Sigh...
Hiltons birthday is around the corner, trying to get his last present ready for his 21st birthday,
•( See pic) A cool stone, thanks to 404 stone and Dave the engraver...that will memorialized HIM for life...

I promise to post lots of pictures.......
And tell you where it is so you can go...
There will be no fan fare a closed door event,
to put his ashes to rest,
---------------------------------
•As you can see from the blog we have moved the videos to the front
We got hilton's voice from his voice mail, and josef from lifeline took the liberty to put some pictures to it,
( I have not listened to it)
----------------------------------
I have had people again ask me to remove and change stuff on the blog, I just can't change what I wrote, sorry...
----------------------------------
Work is weird, some days I feel like I'm king of the world, sometimes I feel like curling up and vomiting,
•to my staff, mike, stan, Less, robin,..... And there people , there teams
....thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there , not for the pay cheque but because you wanted to help and continue to help.... You guys have good people around you and please make sure you thank everyone for helping out...
I want to thank Jim ( he took me golfing, and I really needed to get out,
My sleep habits suck.... Fore instance ... I don't sleep....
Dreams are
no longer dreams of my son, but of people I don't know well, yet have met once
trying to take away a person from my life....
I have loss issues!!!!
Scared to lose anything...... Dave told me that...

I just don't want to lose any more stuff, ... I will figure this out....???!!!???
My my moms boyfriend, my brothers all call me "arrogant", .......
Everyone has high expectations of me, yet when I perform under pressure and make choices,-
keep movin forward,
it becomes arrogant..... And I am..!!!

Its in my make up,
I know ( sigh.... Its good for people to tell me so I can improve myself)
I'm controlling
I'm egotistical...
I'm humble
Kind
And
fair
Actually for all my shitty qualities I have .... I think I have a few good ones....
Whoops I'm being arrogant....again..

-------------------------
Fuck who cares what others think.... Everyone is so critical....
I can only be me, and I have to be good with me...
I hope my kids kat and georg are good with themselves regardless of who is critical.....of them..

---------------------------------
So a girl approached me at the aurora pool while I was swimming with me kids and said: "i recognised my tattoo".... (Sigh)She knew it was for hilton, she said she was at the funeral.
---------------------
Sigh......... Wtf do ya do with that... A strange person approaches and says.........I knew your kid, I'm proud and sad, scared, and worried......
---------------------------------
-----------------------------------
I have a new friend, she is cool, and is a lot of fun,
She can be tough on me, hard, challenge me to be strong, yet still be very kind, yet sometime I don't think she knows that she challenges me to be more confident....
---------------------------------
-----------------------------------
Chris. Came into stans office to show some cool stuff that the group are doing for hilton
They made
Some cool plates for the top of the boards and a key chain , dog tag....
Fucking awesome...
Easter by the way was fucked up for me..... Displaced, lost and awkward, a new family, kindly allowed me to enjoy there company.....

Hilton, I love you......
This year of first is really hard, and every time I think I have. My act together.......I don't......
Hilton I miss you......

Memorial STONE

Working hard on hiltons ROCK to have ready for May 10,

Danny Outos , who passed away, and work for stadia for many years.....

He and his wife got married on May 10th

Funny shit..( Not)


When I get the stone done I will post photos....

Healing Truths

By Anne P. Serdula

A really good friend and business partner Anthony serdula came and visited me in nashville while on conference for PRSM....
Hugs me and hands me his wife's published book.......
We ended the night and I through the book on the bed without a look,
I'm grateful for the book but to be honest, about 10 people have handed me books in the last 4 months... And not that I don't appreciate it, but I just have not had the attention span to read dog shit, and self help is not where I'm at.....
Saying that I go to therapy every week,

Being busy at the conference and I wish I could tell you I was selling, but the truth be known I have been busy at this conference hiding,
hiding from people....
Building courage to face people for the first time since my sons death.
(Sigh)
Every introduction every hello, every how have you been, how is your year....????????????????
Makes my throat close up and my head spin.... People stare and are not sure what to say, and I must continue to face the harsh reality of my anxiety.
Life must go on. Without hilton.....

And then fuck , tony come and hands me another self help book.... Omg...sarcasm....
---------------------------------
Last night a good friend
Sent me an email with his regrets for not coming to the conference...... His reason......................................his son , his 20 year old son was in ICU...... When I received this email, I did not even finish it..... I called my friend, choking back tears, we spoke for 20 minutes and shared each other stories.....
His son is stable...... Thank fucking god, and out of ICU
But I'm an emotional mess.....
Not being able to breath... I call another friend and sit in a corner and cry and cry.... While on the phone..... Not wanting to face anyone any more.....
I'm not sure if anyone ( unless you lost a child ) can truly understand what that shitty wave of emotional free falling feels like......
And when you hear of another young man in the ICU....... And you know the Dad,,,, well let me tell you how much chest pain I had that night.
----------------------------------
Monday night: I run into another friend at mortons steak house.....
Chris ..... Big crazy chris....
God love him
he hugs me,
and squeezes me
and tells me how much he loves me....
He made me feel great,
He wasn't scared of my sons death or my sadness. He embraced it....
He is the type of man that believes...
another man that sticks out is Duane Smith..... He looks at me and looks away.. And sticks out a fist, and knuckles me and say.... Your a strong man,
--------------------------------
This has been my first public appearance Since hiltons death
Being asked
How are you?
I'm sorry!
I heard?
Are you ok!
I read the blog
Good on you for being here
Did something tragic
happen?
I love you man
I have been living this with you
You'll be ok....?!
-----------------------------------
WOW..... Its tough really hard on me,
And not drinking or letting my guard down, tense, over kill on pressure
with all the anxiety in my head about hilton,
a bigger worry ,
is I came here thinking I might see ciaran or mike and antagonise me because there only goal is to destroy me.... ........ My head spins.... I think to much...
---------------------------------
Tuesday: The show is coming to an end
I don't think I got any new customers, I hope janice did,
And now on tuesday morning hiding in my hotel room I read from cover to cover..... That book.... That book that Tony gave me......
Healing truth..... Funny, I learn more about myself reading this book at one of the most insecure times of my life in nashville.
Why now*
When I should be downstairs. Hunting for a new customer...
Working.
Time and fate...... It was meant to be....I guess...
Thank you Anne Serdula, knowing your husband made the book even more intimate then it should have been.... It made me cry...in a good way....
I can't wait to meet you and hug you and thank you for the gift of your thoughts...
Tim byrne signing off, and hopefully turning a corner
I'm tired,

Td bank

Sunny warm day in Aurora ontario, no wind, I have a ton of things to do before I leave .

Dry cleaners
Bank.
Funeral home ( reg visit these days)
Shoppers
Staples
Metro
Gotta pack
Change the sheets on my bed,
.........
All this to do busy busy busy... and underneath these small simple task I'm dying inside, fearful I might have to see someone post hilton s death...

Going around town moving faster then my mind, as I don't want my thoughts to catch up with me in case I have to face some emotional dog shit.....

Robin in my office told me this morning lisa at the bank is not at the bank..... So if I'm going for American money... She is not there...... Dammit, she is not there... Despite the fact every time I see lisa I choke up ... It comforting because I broke through those wall with lisa long ago about 3 days after hilton died., ......

Mark my words, post hilton, meeting people is really fucking hard....emotional awkward, weird, tear jerking. Scary....
And the longer it goes the harder it is...
Anyway............

as I make my way around town, TD bank is one of many, stops.
wellington and young branch, ...
Shit lisa has not been there in a year, staff changes? and I'm sure I won't know anyone ...so...boom boom boom .... In I went strong and confident...

As I approached the counter, the girl behind the counter recognised me, and I her,
no word were passed other then business,
but my spidy senses told me she knew...

Silence while we waited for her computer to catch up with my request... I said without EYE contact....
" You know?" ....
She said with out eye contact....
" I do Tim".......

Awkward turtle....
Choke,
my throat closes over, another girls beside the lady I was dealing with, says
" we follow the blog" ...
I look away.... Sigh....

the girl I'm dealing with reaches for my hand I take it..... A gentle nod.... And I run away.

Out side to fresh air, like I was drowning ,
the cool spring air was like the first gasp after a deep dive.......

I really hate that feeling, of, facing people post hiltons death.....and at that moment I really need someone to talk to some where to turn... Right at that moment, And I have no one.... So lonely......

Weird shit,

Observation: taking stock....

So hilton, I want you to know how proud I am of you, even though your life was cut short, you did a lot of shit, you were strong and kind, tough, opinionated, quick, smart, really fucking smart, much smarter then your father.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm really pissed off you were stolen from me.

Mourning you is really hard, exhausting ....

I don't sleep well, shitty,

I pray to you all the time,

Its been 5 months since you died,

I slowed down writing on the blog, not because I don't want too, but I was tired of people being so self consumed , people would contact me and reflect what they read on them selves..... They say: " was that me you were speaking about"

Or I would get told; " its time to get back to work"

Or " every time I read your blog its the same"


So I just took a little break... But buddy I'm back.... Don't worry, I haven't gone anywhere...
------------------------------------

My daughters and I have had a tough time,
A complete understatement.


Recently I have become self absorbed.

Quick review:
Between losing ciaran, and his brothers

having my brothers turn there back and become spiteful,

me destroying my marriage,

losing my son,

all in the last 24 months,

I'm allowed to have a little pity party, ( sigh)
----------------------------------

I want to say to Kat and georg : I love you, I'm sorry for everything you have had to go through, I love you both unconditional, I respect you both, and think you are terrific strong passionate girls... Loyal,
I'm so proud of you both.
as you grow up, help each other, stand beside each other, guide each other....
-----------------------------------

I promise I have not gone anywhere.... I'm right here.

I love you both.. So much...

You Dad....

Ps: I know hilton would be proud of me writing in this blog.....good , bad, the ugly.... He would repect it, he would tell me I'm stupid, but he would be proud that I'm writing it...

S.L.-U.T. Park city mountain

Town lift chairlift

Run- quit'n time
Utah, park city, where Hilton wanted to be
The view is amazing
------------------------------------
Pouring your sons ashes through your finger, over the palm of your warm hand, as they slowly fall into the wet snow, like the sands of time, your realize you can not control time,
You can not turn it back your not stopping it, you can not move it forward.
as the sun pours over your face, tears accent the cold of your cold cheek.
On a single line on your face
All this at
at the top of a mountain
And no matter who is with you, your alone...
Watching your daughters face look crushed and in pain.. Real deep blood boiling pain....
Sobbing out loud uncontrollable..... Screaming gut wrenching pain.... Fuck..... Fuck........fuck.......
Go hug your fucking kids right now because the are a gift that can be taken away from you....
------------------------------------

Building a snowman for him using his ashes to make the eyes, and nose and smile. Hoping he would turn and talk to me like the movie jack frost....
I ask hilton while riding this week to be my families guardian angle... Ask him to look over the girls, and take all request... Wishes...
( Funny I think he really answered one wish already)
Hilton is a real loyal man, he would have gone to the ends of the earth... Pissed off but he would never question me, defend me no matter what.... And I would defend him..
Now he is gonna help me get through this ands be better and stronger..
He gonna work hard with me
---------------------------------
The pain of dropping his ashes off has not gotten easier... I told the hilton snow man I loved him and I'm sorry... So fucking sorry my chest hurts, the pain is like someone stabbing me... Over and over again and I can get them to stop.

Ground hog day...
Fuck you..... FUCKYOU...
Fuck y o u fuck you... God dammit...fuck you...
-----------------------------------
By the way
SLUT....stand for
Salt Lack city- Utah.
Hilton I love you
You picked a great spot to hang out
I will come back to visit
Its not a great. Blog, its just an simple entry...

SL-UT

Only in the united states on the top of a mountain

Can you find a kangaroo as a pet

Oro-Medonte-20110305-00176.jpg

Aurora-20110305-00177.jpg

Late

Sub note: I really did want to post this week, I have queasy feeling in my stomach .... But here it is a little let ... Sorry hilton..
-----------------------------------

I'm just living this week,
Breathing

Both my girls seem more
Emotionally lost then ME.

Both have cried themselves to sleep, both have crawled into my bed. And do not want to leave.
-----------------------------------
After finishing a great bromance weekend away with Bob, I'm
feeling more insecure...
Very lonely....and fuck I shouldn't feel that way right now,

I'm sick and tired of people letting me down by accident.
-----------------------------
--------------------------------------
Pink elephants, don't like them want to pop them
as I see them,
dave tells me its good but try to have a little bit of tack....
Fuck that I say... ( For the moment)
Life to short to have other people fail to live up to there own- expectations- and try to justify it or blame someone else.

Fuck that.... Life is to short.

Its my mantra....

Hilton would have said Fuck that.......!!!
------------------------------------
------------------------------------
So let tell ya what I did......

I got off the crowed elevator, my friend was a little claustrophobic,
...... walked the 9 th floor ICU at st. Mikes and went just north of the hospital and went in and lit some candles at st Michael cathedral.
Yep... That's what I did..
I can't believe I didn't pass out...... I felt like a ghost.. On the 9 floor ICU,

Watching other sit in the waiting room .... New families waiting to find out if they can have there son back...

at the security door,
I stood back just a few feet, and
whispered to a friend; "those people have a child , husband ... A loved one behind those door" ( sigh)
"And they are just starting there journey in the ICU..." Fuck I wish I could help them...."

I look through the window and I can see our condo, right across the street from hiltons bed, and I can remember the sleepless night staring at a poster of drake at the toronto eaton centre, lighting up the room as I lay in my bed staring at kats not sure if she was a wake until a tear drops down her face, can be seen
Only by the silver reflection of a single watery tear can be seen by the light of night.
------------------------------------
My friend stared at me as I stood on the 9 th floor, as I look through past all the people, to the people still standing at the door of the ICU, waiting....
and I continued my random thought out loud: "you can see it in their morbid eyes, they look scared
they pace a little,
they look awkward,

I wish I could approach them and tug on there shirt and tell them I'm praying for them...
( Its a language they will learn within 72 hours of living in the ICU, the tug, it means so much, hi, how are you, you ok, I'm good, leave me alone, I'm waitng, I love you, I'm thinking of you...)

As I turn and look both ways down the hall, and start to walk to the elevator I was very alone.....
Down to ground, right by the tim hortans,

As my friend and I walk across shooter street a cold wind blows the tears across my face ensuring I wipe them because they tickle my skin,

Into st.mikes, quiet, warm, people scattered around this beautiful church, I walk slowly up to the small area where candles can be lit I must have lit 10,

If GOD heard me, back on oct 29th he never said a word and just listened to me....the asshole..

We sat in the front pews and I cried, for 15 minutes, I whimpered, cried, sobbed, and beg god for a reason why he took my son...

------------------------------------

As we made our way back to the truck in silence,

I need to end this weird experience I was subjecting my self too,...
-----------------------------------

The rest of my week has been a roller coaster, I don't like weekends any more it seem I have a huge anxiety I can't explain to anyone, the loss of my son , the break up of may family, and the start of. Change... And this "new"normal is not so much fun...
------------------------------------
------------------------------------

Today: thursday, after a night of snowboarding with a new friend at blue mountain, I had my daughter have a melt down becuase of a miss understanding... That caused chaos..

Friday:

Court, for a ticket for speeding what else is new for me, and I used the death card,
well let me tell you , that was the worst thing in my life to tell someone .......

So the day prior to Hiltons death you, you asshole OPP, gave me a ticket...
The day after my son died, and you didn't care, no mercy...

Shouldn't be speeding... Anyway... I know...

Ands now to the hospital, for a stress test on my broken heart..... After all was done.... My heart is good....

--------------------------------------what a week.... An emotional week I miss my hilton, I'm trying to keep my girls happy, and I want a better life for me..... But nothing seems to be moving...

-----------------------------------
Now as saturday come to an end, georga just finished her first comp, in snow boarding. 2 times down the pipe, she is the youngest in her catigory, under 12, ..and we wait, she did really well and yes I forgot to charge the camera....

And in her practice...boom snap she breaks her board in half.... In the half pipe, I have never seen a board snap..... But hey, georg snapped a board...

So we wait for the award,and this would make for a great end to this week...
Drum roll.............

Georga byrne got Silver in the provincial half pipe competition she is 9 years old ...hehehehe awesome

Hilton would have thought that rocked..... He love bragging about georga... Even when he said he hated her.....
----------------------------------

Today is tuesday! And I watched a explore one truck turn around on my street like its only goal was to see if I was working??? So weird.... Who knows???

Anyway, its a new week

Yes I went to work today,

Another week

So its seems my emotional bank is running in a 2 week cycle,

Kat say I'm more like a chick now more then ever.
-----------------------------------

It seem emotionally I can go for about 5 to 7 days before I become a fucking loone and can't stop crying and want to climb in a deep dark box... And once in this deep dark box with no light it seem it take me about 7 to 10 days to crawl out.

My confidence is easily shaken. Insecurity anxiety, overwhelming feeling of pressure on my chest,
Dave say my pengilium is swing... And I need to keep it in check...

Even the most secure things in my life feel like they are being raped in front of me while I watch.

Then as time passes and the dead of night lands on my shoulder blinking in the darkness, not knowing if I'm awake or a sleep...

Only to feel the reality of tears sliding down my temple along my hair line...staring at a dark ceiling, Only then do I realize that I'm fully awake in darkness alone and this is not a dream my son is dead.....
---------------------------------
--------------------------------
This week my emotional bank is full and I'm feeling calm, not a day goes by with out crying, but on these weeks when my emotional bank has fuel , it just a slow burn of pain, that if managed and I stay low key I can keep my self in check....
-----------------------------------

Tonight the girls and I went to shoppers drug mart, bought some watermelon lady speed stick for me... Yes I where ladies deodorant.... Go a head laugh... I'm good with it..
We also bought some facials.... OMG what a mangina...

Came home, the three of us giggling went to put our masks on so we can revitalise our skin..... Each watching each other, our skin get hard, talking weird, we all laughed and laughed...

And I realised, this is the first time we have laughed... Without effort, our lives are normal for 60 minutes...in the last 120 days...
I didn't want to wreck it, ssshhhhh... Don't say it out loud and maybe it will last.

Kat let me take photos, and she laughed...georg just felt like she was playing... It was a wonderful moment, and when I realised it was happening , you realize hilton is gone.... I try to ignore it forget him..

Some times it the only thing I can do....forget those 20 days

Then you have guilt because you want to forget,
then you say I must remember him if I'm going to honour him... Back and forth nerve racking exhausting lowering you emotional bank fast, and by the time you realize .... The great moment of being happy, is.... over ... You can barely keep a grip...

Fuck this bullshit.... If your still reading... It is the hardest motherfucking thing I have ever done... Loneliness,
Has been created by the loss of my Son.... and I try to rationalise it I try to understand grieving... But when your in battle the map you were using to plan the battle does not seem relevant when bullets are going over your head and your scared to death what tomorrow will bring....
----------------------------------
Dave....... Ooooooo dave I have girls in my life that are scared of dave, because he brings reality to my life, ensures I think and understand rationalise every thing.....
--------------------------------------
I'm always tired, sleep is a rare treat, these days, ya know there was a time that I could go to bed with a tim hortans coffee at 10 at night and pass out...
--------------------------------------
Today.... Not a chance... Sleep scares me, it seem like every dream takes me weird places...
---------------------------------
This weekend I'm with bib costa , a good friend from new jersey
Snowboarding... And it the first... Oh I hate first... Its the first time I have seen him since Hilton died, we snowboarding all day and he ask lost of question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop and we would baord,
The another question, that I answered, tears pooring out of both of us....and the I would stop.... And we would baord..

I told him it was ok to talk about it, he was concerned...

We go home tomorrow, and I can't wait to see some special people in my life,

I hope the drive is not as shit as it was coming out...

-----------------------------------
Scared of this week it is a week where my cycle say its gonna be shit for me emtionally...

Fucking tough week

Dentist
Dr. Larry, just seeing him with out hilton 18 years... It was dreadful...

------------------------------------
Katie painted a beautiful picture of hilton: what an experience, katie sent me a picture at every stage, and we shared emotions during the creating period..
-------------------------------
Hilton bigger then the nationals committee meeting
Sean and Sarah: great young people... Left a christmas gift behind... A picture of hilton... Really tough... To see...

I didn't even go to the meeting and it over took me emotionally
--------------------------
Met with a customer ( small customer/ friend, not really tested the water if I could do it, hand picked john... And I balled like an idiot, I'm not ready for the outside world yet)
--------------------------------
Saw my friend at the bank: hugged lisa, and trembled in her office
--------------------------------
Kat wakes up with bad dreams. And crawls into ed with me just wanting to hide
-------------------------------
Sheri at mt st. Louis today asks me what the little silver charm is around my neck........ That charm is my sons ashes...
-------------------------------

Its seems like it was a big week of first..... And hiltons was every where.... Fuck me
Boom boom boom boomm.. It just kept coming and coming and every thing above has a story... Every person stares at you, ask you if your ok, that they are sorry, a hundred miles an hour.... Spinning,, crazy....OMG... Fuck overwhelming crazy....

The girlfriends back yard.....( Its a funny story)

>
> The sun is out today...
>
> It makes you feel good because the warm sun is beating down on you... but it also brings a rush of sadness. I miss Hilton so much..every single minute of every day. I told Ivi last night...it's like he walks beside me where ever I go. It's nice because I have him there but at the same time it brings a pain that sometimes feels almost unbearable. I'll always feel the pain...I want to feel it, I don't want to push it away, though. I feel it..really feel it because you need a "down" to have an "up" and vice versa.
>
> Anyway, I thought of a funny story (or at least it's funny to me and Hilton) today while I was outside on the swing we spent a lot of time on. I had to dodge poops in the backyard because the snow just melted all at once and suddenly there's so much...gross! It made me remember...
>
> Once when Hilton was over, we were going through old records/cd's in my basement and there was a dog poop on the floor. It was really gross, and I didn't want to pick it up because we CONSTANTLY were finding dog poops down there when my two dogs got down there. I told him to look away then I gently placed a playing card over it...and voila.. problem solved, right?
>
> He never let me forget that! He would laugh his ass off and push my shoulder playfully when he laughed at me. He wasn't freaked out, he just thought I was gross..which I'm fine with..haha. It made me laugh....thinking to myself outside on the swing today...it's a small memory but huge at the same time.
>
> I miss him so much and sometimes I NEED him here. Its a very unique pain when you need something you can't have. I loved him...I'm in love with him still and although he's not physically coming back, he walks with me every day.
>
> I talk to him every day....and dog poop reminds me of him. Yeah... dog poop...and I'm alright with that!
>
> Don't cry from this email...try not to cringe either! He's awesome and he walks with you, too, Tim.
>
> Love always
>
> Natalie
>
>
>

Katie Byrne portrait of hilton byrne

imagejpeg_2.jpg

WOW, katie.... WOW

Going to Larry

Sunday night kat and georg and I discussed going to the dentist monday morning at 8am.

Its funny the overwhelming anxiety you can have to go see a dentist. And not for the reason ya think...

Most of us don't like people picking in our mouth.....

hilton, kat georg and I have turn going into the dentist into a ritual, we love having our teeth cleaned and having breakfast after, it was our thing...... ( Stupid thing small, but so important to us)

I have never not gone to the dentist with hilton for 18 years.

Monday morning was going to be the first time, without the LAD

As we arrived monday morning at 8am as a gentlemen , I opened the front door of the dentist office for kat and georg,

kat looked at me and said you go first, ......
There was a moment, 2 or 3 seconds we stared at each other.... Fight or flight...

That moment our eyes met, and we both wanted to run-a-way.... And between the both of us , busting through..... Was Georg... Who could give a shit, and so innocent, about what was going on between my beautiful 18 daughter and I...

We stroll in and the lady behind the counter says.... You guys are tomorrow...

Yahoo..... You could see how fast I grabbed the door knob and kat body slams the glass door like starsky and hutch..... Georga is like fuzzy bear.... Just there for the ride....

Dr. Larrys receptionist yells,..... "Guys its tomorrow same time". As her voice lessons with the closing of the door......

Kat and I get a bonus day to hide from our demons,
--------------------------------------
Kat and I barely discuss our anxieties out loud, in depth... grieving...no need we both get it,
And the dentists... Is just one more thing In this year of fucking firsts that has been force upon me.... And my family.....

Tuesday morning.......

Dr. Larry said he was sorry for my loss, we discussed the weather..... And I cried, and could not make eye contact....

Thank christ that 1st is over.....

--------------------------------
We left the dentists office and I ask kat.... " So did he say anything to you?" She said; no, you?... " Yeah, and my lip quivered, and nothing else was said in the truck that morning as I glanced at georga in my review view mirror, in the back seat and she said........ " I love you poppy"
its like she just knows ...

Its horrible that the grieving we go through is so well understood between us that no word need to be shared anymore, ... Just a simple glance at my 9 year daughter and I know how much she misses her brother.........

Another fucking day.... Another fucking day....
-------------------------------------
Right now I'm hiding in my. Board room... Listening to other laugh.... As I cry.............as I type ..

Some days are more difficult then other.....

Hilton I love you buddy. I wish I could have you back..... God dammit......

Esso station.

In this journey I have been on I have had the pleasure to meet wonderful people who have suffered.

Disease, death, debt, mental illness, all kinds of shitty thing...

Anybody who has experiences
( t-shirts as i Call them- I got the t-shirt, is what I say....)

So anyone who's got the tshirt, realises that life is to short, certain things don't matter, don't sweat the small stuff is understated._
-----------------------------------
This last week I met a wonderful woman in a gas station who told me she reads the blog, knows my family and called me a mangina.... Its a joke from the girls in my family...

Robin in my office cleaned hiltons desk up, put all his belonging in my office, I ask her to do this and as fate would happen I walk in to the office when it was happening,.... I walk out of the office.

Had lunch with my sister, she gives me a good feeling inside my soul

Then had a big finish with my therapist....... Dave is helping through all this shit,

Dealing with loss this last year,
I have lost so much more then my son, and I'm not looking for a pitty party,
But holly fuck......

I'm looking for good things now, and I remember the bad, holding on to the bad to ensure that I don't repeat mistakes and learn,

-----------------------------------
Take stock parents: if you have kids call them, hug them love them, because tomorrow they could be gone.
---------------------------------

hilton~ by katie byrne.jpg

Katie has been working really hard to bring hilton to life,
She has given me a rare opportunity to see her work before its done,
Please don't tell her I have shared it ......

Big white pole 5

BC, big white, black forest chair lift pole #5 33paces, to the east... ( hilton drop #3)

Friday:
Each time we finished a run this afternoon, I want to say as happy and
with as much positive energy as I can,
as I can muster up, ... "Hilton would have loved that"!!!!!!!...
Choking back , hyper ventilating, trying to create a sense of wellness and balance in my universe.....
--------------------------------
Hilton never made it to big white to snow board, that in its self pisses me oFF.
As I look across a chair lift to 3 girls with tears running down there faces... You know it stings... It really hurts to knows hilton is gone for ever
And georga says to mom... " There gonna freeze"
With a soft touch of a frozen glove to a cold check...
------------------------------------
Friday night:
Tonight we went out to dinner and the meal was
Shit, the company was great,
neil & heather, drove up to hang , I loved seeing them the were part of Hiltons lives. A part of his life that I never knew.... University, here in BC....
Kris, Carrie,
Neil, Heather,
kellie,phil,
Kat, Georg.
And ME.......
--------------------------------
Saturday:
Last day.... Its time....
5am.... Good morning...

My guts turn , my throat closes... I hate this ..... But it so badly need to be done for us as a family,
_________________________
Kris and Carrie.... Big smooch, they invited us and have made us feel so welcome,
and took a lot of anxiety away..
_________________________
6:30am:
we all drag ourselves out of bed, kat whispers, I'm gonna put him in pocket... ( Like she would forget him).
The eastern view out of our condo, is awesome clouds, being shred open by sun burning through as the mountain holds up the sky making it a God like experience streams of sun moving with the lite fog... with everyone grabbing there camera, not me I'm just enjoy the moment, its -6 the coldest its been all week, yet warmer then the average...we see...
_________________________
Egg sandwiches for everyone...
__________________________
Big white has cool, snow ghost... Everywhere,
Trees smothered, in snow looking wonderfully surreal, ____________________________
Georga ask me why do we have to find a place for hiltons ashes...that we can find again...
I told her; well Jo Jo, its important so that when you come back her
when you an old lady,
you can tell your grandchildren,
where he is..
And as you grow up, and get lost along the way, you can go to vermont, tremblant, big white... Find hiltons spirit, sit right here and ask him for help... ,
when ever your lost find he will find you and make sure your safe Baby......
---------------------------------
Its 1:30pm just getting dressed, and going back out, quiet, lonely feeling, and I'm with 5 others.... My breathing is shallow, and I'm talking under my breath, my daughters catch me and ask, who are you talking too, I do this more and more since hilton died,
-------------------------------
Its TIME,
hey hilti it time for a little bit of you to watch over us here at big white,
I drop the ashes at vermont,

kat dropped hiltons ashes at tremblant,
Now its georga turn... Georg is 9 she has lost her brother,
and now she gonna help hilton rest his soul,
here at big white....
Black forest chair lift, pole five 30 paces to the right east, looking up... Sit here and talk to him.....
When you come here
Watching my children leave there brother ashes behind, is a brutal experience takes my fucking breath away...
This is the 3cd time and its heart wrenching...
Sunny perfect view of mountains, soft white snow,
Another piece of our journey complete....
I hold my breath in hopes i can contain my tears... I strain to keep my self up right, tears roling off my face like a slow dripping faucet, so unreal , my face un changed....
I can't believe I was meant to live beyond my child
---------------------------------

Tree riding was the best with hilton...

This afternoon, riding with kris , kat and georg in the trees...... it just felt so GOOD,

Sweating....

The trees were tight, fun, and we all had great bounce, we did this run about 4 times... Fast and hard, lots of hard tight turns cutting, digging in, music in my head blaring loud...

We would stop every 100 turns and have a drink of water....

At the bottom on the chair lift we would have some candy, dad loves handing out the candy...
this time it was fuzzy peach candy... One for everyone....

And up we go again...

Kat and georg are so good on there boards strong accurate,
ride with intuition and care...
But still taking risk....

Hilton was the same,

Each time we stopped I couldn't help but say:
" that was great, hilton would love that" ....

I have been talking to hilton a lot out here, when I ride

It goes something like this...in my mind....

" Hey buddy, I love you so much,
I fucking hate that your gone,
I hope your OK,
I'm so sorry ,

I want you back so bad, fuck buddy why you,
( big pause)
you and I were gonna hang out together ,
snow baord together as I got old,
you were to run the business one day...

GOD , I miss you, ......

____________________________
By this time tears run down my face to edge of my goggles, pooling usually on the right Eye, I pull them off my face and keep them off, by the end of the day, I just don't wear them
-------------

I said to georg on a water break, I wish hilton was hear,
she looks at me and say.... " Yeah, I wish I could hear his voice one last time"

I can remember...
Hilton would stop with all of us and in his great mood yell out

" GGEEEOOORRGG" in a deep growl ly voice, just like mine, him yelling her name resonated with me every time she wipes out... Or we stop and she can't get up...
____________________________

Julie stephenson sent me a email tonight with a quote out of an email she has kept of hiltons....

Hilton said to her

"its the best when your
standing on the top of the hill, looking down both feet straped in, and its
that second just before you drop, and the cold hits you, but not the wind, and
you've just been woken up (b/c its still 83o in the morning) and you start down
the hill, with the huge carves, its the best feeling live ever had, i know its
sounds ridicules but its true, its amazing"

The above was written by hilton to julie
November 11, 2008
____________________________
Kat and I have stopped and discuss where to place his ashes....

It has to be a place with a view, a destination, where we can stop years from now, and a place we can find.... Again..... years later...

We have a few choice places..... Pole #5 on the blackforest chair lift.... To the left when looking up, in the middle of the trees, yet we won't do it til tomorrow...
-----------------------------------
I almost forgot to finish the university drop off story...

2008 labour day weekend drop to university,
We drove out to big white, drop to the little village where the lemon gondola is and we promised each other that I would come out and ride with him....

On the monday, after shopping at walmart, buyings bed sheet, toilet paper, tons of supplies , condoms ( no condoms just kidding) we get all his shit to his room he cam down stairs to the parking lot... Busy place kids and truck un loading... Telling me to move my car... Time stopped stood still....

We stared at each other,

( Sigh)

I hugged him,

I said:
I love you hilton...
He said:
I love you dad....

I kissed him, wedge $500.00 into his hand...
Got in my car and drove out of the valley.......

And just sobbed,

That next 4 months he was gone,,, we talked 2 twice a week, I missed him so much...

When he came back and had failed every subject, spent more money on nothing,... And was really pissied off with him self, ... That he was about to quite

I was kind of happy to have him back, I know it sound selfish... I loved hanging with my boy..... I was pissed he didn't finish or make it but I was glad he was Home

Now he will never come home again.... I find this idea of never seeing him again so fucking awful it makes my heart ache , my mouth dry.... It hurts so deep...

I love you buddy....

Big white

As we all pack and get ready to leave for big white, my excitement is coated with anxiety, vacation don't seem real with out hilton, as I pack kats stuff and load it in the truck, I truly have a surreal moment thinking I'm missing some luggage, because............ We are....

Hiltons.....

Hilton did one semester in big white ( kalowna,,, never got to snow baord, lost of long boarding, pot smoking and drinking, .... Failed ever course, love the life not the academia........
Came home tail between his legs 12,000 in debt.... But told me he was gonna go back to ride the mountain...

He never made it...

So now kat georg kellie and I are going......
With a little bit of hiltons ashes.....  To leave behind...

This is gonna be a big emotional ride, fucked up crazy... I can feel it, it started last night when I began to pack... The tsunami... In the horizon...

___________________________

Strangely being here is not as bad as being in tremblant..

Emotionally,
The physical pains in my chest only hurts a little....
Yet,
Its 4:00am half a sleep, waiting for morning, typing into a blog...
___________________________
Melissa from VAN you rock send me the comments,
Spread the blog around....
____________________________
Let go back to 2008 labour day, weekend, start of university... ( I never finished the stupid story..)
Hilti and I got into town on the thursday, and went looking for a hotel, and sure enough so was every other parent.. Dropping there kid off, I was so proud of hilton making it to university, this weekend he and I ( hilti was 18) he and I This weekend are gonna shop til we drop , go have a beer together, drive up to big white just to look at what we will be boarding on this winter, peek around campus.... I was gonna love him to death this weekend...
As we check into the no-tel-motel ground floor back alley presidential suite, it just didn't matter this was gonna be great...
It was 12am...
And we both passed out... And then awoke to the tv..... Not watching....
Crashing....
At 2am a tv, came out a plate glass window from the 2cd floor, onto the ashphalt below, right beside my truck as I peeked out the window, and could here foot steps about, I said to hilton welcome to university life.....hehehheh assholes.... ( There's more to the story...later.. Don't worry I will finish it)
_________________________
( Bring it forward to today)
4:30am..... First day... In big white 2011.. Without hilton..
I'm gonna be up first , again, that normal these days, now with the time change its even shittyier sleep.....
I even responded to a customer back in toronto.... Hi james....don't worry...
Pancakes? I love breakfast, so did the "hilton"....we would Go to nannas every 2cd weekend for pancakes.... He loved chatting with nann
------------------------------------
7am fuck that took a long time....
GOOD MORNING.......

What a day, sunny warm soft snow,
Carrie, kris, kellie kat Philip, georg and I pound down these bumps... And it was so much fun...
And kat whispered to me
"This run hilton would love let's put his ashes here"...
( Not yet)
, I still can't help but ball like a baby every time I go somewhere where I think he would love....TO BE...
Sometime this week we will find the best place...hilton to rest....

Awful , just fucking awful that I'm doing this shit....
Tonight Kat and I sat on my bed and talked for an hour in a whisper, about life, hilton, school, relationships... It was cool. We had a great fluid talk.. Back and forth...it was like she was normal or something???? EH,
Yaaaa. To be 18....
-----------------------------------
Everyone cashing early today, 7:30pm
Kris and Carrie have changed the dynamic. A little lighter, despite I can feel the tension Brew.. Dropping hiltons ashes has become a ritual....
Funny growing up with the kids, everything is a ritual, dentist.. Breakfast first day of school, snow boarding, ... The list is huge of all the traditions we had, family rituals.... And now dropping hilton off has become one.....
Sigh................ Its not fare...
Your children should not die before you.....

___________________________

Hilton would have loved big white

Kootenay Boundary E-20110203-00057.jpg

kat~dad- georg big white 2011.jpg