Day 6 last blog, a new low.... Sorry!

I got some comments about the last blog....
"Off the blog" ( wink wink)

I want to thank that person for keeping me grounded...
( Giving me shit)

I now feel like I stooped to a new low .. . I'm sorry....

I won't justify, I will explain...
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This journey in the ICU did not have a good ending...
for Penny, kellie, kat georg , katie , alex....

We have lost our son, nephew....And brother....
Its not a fairy tale its a fucking nightmare....

I truly understand that everyone else is also going through something too...
Everyone has turrets during stress...( Say the wrong thing)

Its awful that any of us have to go through this...
Losing a child....

during my therapeutic writings,( blogging)
I needed my immediate family more then outsiders, to know what had gone on and what journey was taken
During the 20 days of the ICU.....
From my perspective only.
and share stories of my sons life...


......and if you don't like what I write, please don't read it ... Please........
But...
The blog at some point actually helped personalise hilton healthcare, made it better....doctors and nurses... Loved him....felt connected...
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Now ...
For me what "bob" did to hiltons nieces and hiltons family ( me) is a terrible amount of un-needed stress at that moment......on day 6

I'm not a perfect man...
And this blog certainly shows...that I have made huge mistakes, fucked up, put my feet in my mouth, screwed over people.... Been judge mental, hurtful.... Lord knows I'm paying for ever sin I have ever done right now......I wish I could be more accepting, tolerant, kind

But what my brother did was a dramatic part of the journey what my brother did was on the same day they told us about the DAI..
( Really fucked up for us)
and so.... I needed to document it...that's all... Not out of hate or anger... Just to record the story for later....

The blog is my version of the good, the bad and the ugly for my family inside the ICU .... And I don't expect outsiders to get it.....

No one could... Unless you lost a child... NO ONE could understand...unless you've lived in the ICU with your child...

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I have made mistakes in my families relationships but
Hilton dislike of his uncles for what they ( we) have done to our families to each other over the years was real.
not that he knew details, but hilti understood the emotion ..........and .......

hilton understood my passion to have my family around me, to be close...
So he knew how sad I was... When anything ever happened... Between us..

So he would have been proud of me facing those challenges head on..., on day six... And 7

Because for his whole life I hid/ was in sibling family conflict....as a means to ensure my skeletons would not come out to haunt me and with hope maybe I could salvage a relationship....

I was so scared that day To hurt my brother and his wife's feelings.... I struggled with what happened...and what I did...


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with Hiltons death gives me new strength, not to allow my feelings to be discounted.....( Nor my request- yet as I say that,
( wow that's sound hypocritical)

I don't want any more conflict....


I'm really tired...

I just want to curl up and hide...

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Anyway...

I'm better then that...
I feel foolish ......
Thanks for the reality check... ( You know who you are)
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Ps: I share everything I post with the kids prior, and make sure they are good with it.....I will not post something to hurt the kids......
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