Hiltons jeep, good morning....

When hilton was really little he loved TV.

We had a old 26" tv on a ikea dresser in our room.....
Hiltons room was right a cross the hall,
49 davis.....road, what shit hole.... Looking back it was home... A great home...

..........Sigh.......
and he would wake up with a nukie in his mouth . Still in dipes...
Hilton was Just walking, he was standing in his crib , he would do 30 knee bends before he got out.....
( those were the days, I can barely get out of bed, I was only 25sh)

Hilti- would lean way out the side the crib,
cause when he leaned enough he could see my night table and me if he was lucky....
.. And because I knew this ritual, I used to stay rolled on my left side ready to shhhhh him and whisper shhhhh..... lay down... Buddy.... Still sleepies ok lay down....

He would lean way out with his silky hair , sliky corn yellow hair......static head, his huge head....... My god he was cute.......Hmmmm with a grunt... HMMM
Strained neck nukie in mouth the only thing he could say was HHMmMmM
And he would grunt and stretch his neck...
Quietly... Like he knew not to be loud, and as he see me stir...

His moans would be come more agressive....
He could see me
I would wave...

Hilti would say quietly: "da" slurred with a nukie / soother in mouth.
... I would say;
" buddy"
he say: "da"
, buddy..... da.... buddy .... Da
..... It was a ritual..
He would do knee bends and call my name...I would say half a sleep "buddy"

So I would drag my but out of bed,
I had to get up for work anyway....
with a new diaper,
my morning pee out of the way.
I would pick him up close to me , close to my chest
he would through his head tight on to my chest on my left side in the crook of my kneck... The perfect spot.... Bare skin, to bare skin... So warm and soft...
Like he really loved you, and he did.... Yummy..

I was in such a rush I never stopped to enjoy those cuddles, not as often as I should have....

( If you have a baby... Get up 30 minutes early and do those cuddles like they are the last one you are ever gonna have...)

I need to shower so... slipping in a VHS tape.. Guess what it was we put in..
Pooh bear...

God he loved pooh.......

Bottle in one hand

pooh on the TV.. ( Funny today there is still shit on TV ,hahahahah
just not as good, that's a play on words, get it)
......Sigh.......
With his orange knot blanket, twisting those knots in his hand so tight with passion, .
His little finger learning motor skills, not knowing how great he was gonna be as a man....
Eyes glued.....
he was so focused on pooh bear,,,
off to the shower I would go.....
With him coming in to peek on me now and then to making sure I was there.......

Sigh........
( I can't stop crying over how great this moment is)

This last year, he still woke before me,,,
and he would be in the shower before me ,
this time me yelling at him to get out... ( Cause I want some. Hot water)

And as I climbed in to the shower...
I could here that jeep start....
That shitty muffler.....

This morning , I woke up to a car with a shitty muffler outside my house......
Maybe a jeep....

I think hilton came down from heaven at 5:30 am to tell me via that bad muffler he is ok...

I wish I could have him back....
My god why...

( Tears, on my face, my skin so tight, it hurts so bad, when does this stop)

WHY GOD, you asshole... WHY........
Sigh, deep breath, breathe... Its ok

Its time for me to go to work...

Hilton would expect nothing less... Get up and go to work....

Its what dad did....

Another day....

Today is gonna be a good day...

Sigh..................................................