Its sunday 2 day after we celebrate hiltons life I'm still suffering from the worst emotion hang-over I have ever had....
So lets go back to friday just prior to the start..
It snowed that morning... Wonderful, hilton loved the snow...
As the church began to fill at 2pm one hour and 15 minutes prior to the service starting,
paster liz came in to do a pre game prayer talk to kat and penny and get everyone's name straight...
I ask my sister kelly to get a case of water and 20 boxes of kleenex for the shit show that was sure to come....
Thank god, cause I was so dehydrated I drank 4 bottles of water... And by the way I did not pee for 3 hours..
As we set up the pictures of my son around the church, and pulled some of his belonging out to lay across the alter... We made jokes and laughed , and yes... Duh... "hugged" people who came early...
yes I hugged people..
Shit its hard not too so shut up...
Grandma Joe came, wheel chair and all.... " You never want to say good by to your great grand son"
When the music started at 2:30pm
I stared at the pictures on the slides , standing at the front of the united church at a hand rail, allowing the hand rail to hold me up...
Penny kept approaching me , touching my Back I really felt like she was inside my bubble, and was testing my patients, I know your gonna tell me I was insensitive, but I Didn't say a word... I just felt like every time someone touched me while I stood at the front of that church alone....
I realised at that moment I had not been alone in 26 days... I had not one waking moment where I could bit my nails, pick my ears, fart , cry.... Fuck you all I wanted to scream.., and now I turn around , here, begins the larger then life support network...of 600 people... Sitting in the church, And I want to be selfish and tell the whole church to fuck off get lost... You can't share a fucking thing ... Get OUT!!!!
Get the fuck out and leave me alone , leave me and my family you assholes have no idea what the fuck is going through me head what I'm feeling .. ...
Deep breath,
Come to the present....
penny leaves me Up at the alter.. ( No punn)
my vision clears,
I can hear voices... I sniff, and wish my son didn't fuck'n ride that day,
that he didn't make that mistake That day at that time...
That he didn't hit his head so hard on the asphalt. That hard.... Why was he not a wake and with me now...
Who the fuck are you GOD!! to take my SON!!!!!!, MY FUCKING SON ..!!!!!!!!!.
Sanp back to reality
Deep breath...
Paster liz looks at me... Like we should begin...
Its 3:10pm
I turn around to 500.00 people...
All share in my tears...
I realise how exposed I left my family to this whole blog bull shit...
As I sit down...in the front row... It was the only time you don't want front row seats..
missing my son so much
my heart felt like it was going to rip out of my chest.... Gasping for air, my skin just under my Eye's was sore and dry, it hurt to blink...
Liz got the order in which the parents will speak..
penny , kellie and the Tim...
I promised kat and georga that I would read their letters to hilton... At the congregation....
Deep deep breath, I, like the moms were so worried that we would never make it through this moment, , both kellie and penny had there eulogy written ,
I, like usual had some rough cryptic notes,
fuck it why write it down.. In case I don't make it though....yeah right/ I love public speaking and I new my subject so well.... That's an under statement...I was not worried , I was so close to hilton... I could tell you when he shit , drank and ate before he did... God I love him.....
But I was scared ... That... I .. Would ... Just drop to my ...knees .... And... Weep.... Endlessly WEEP...
As liz began.... I realised that the whole event was being recorded... .. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think to record this icky sad event, and now that we have done it...
Maybe a few years from now I could look at the tapes.
Saying that some things are best lived once... And only once...
Time was moving so fast it stood still and the clock got hung on every word and I did not hear a bloody thing.. Yet Each cough, each sneeze, every grind of a graveled shoe on the hardwood floor.... I could hear ... To my left was sean , kellies brother to my right was Alex... She is beautiful...
I reach over seans lap and touched kellies hand , I held it so tight that my
Knuckle was white in the centre and pick on the out side and it was slippy with sweat...
My armpits were worse I could feel the cold sweat on my rib cage dripping slowly ....using my shirt in combination with my elbow to stop the sensation with a quick awkward rub that I hope the people behind me can't tell....
As liz finished and ask each one of us to speak...
I did not hear a world of pennys speech, and then kellie, ... She was great, but again the only word i heard was " he would have been stoked"
And liz made eye contact with me, and I stood, up right in front of my girls slowly, and turn to the group,
I read kats and georga's letters to Hilton...
I could barely catch my breath from the emotion that slapped me in the face from my daughters simple words.. Kats final words... "I'm gonna miss you snow baord buddy"
.... And georga...
"After it rains ... There will be a rainbow".....
Wow..
I love my girls....
I love the simple passion... For what hilton gave them...... A bad attitude..... ( That's dry humour)
Now its my turn... I have not rehearsed, practised anything.
I wrote some point form notes to ensure there was a beginning , middle and end... So I did not blubber for 30 minutes...
Yet who really gives a shit because how often do you get to say good bye to your dead son...
NEVER ..... Fuck...
I wanted to make sure everyone laughs, cries and truly understood at least 5% of my pain and sorrow...
So. like the blog I shared the fear of loosing your small child in a store... And I took my microphone off and said... HILTON... HILTON .....HILTON so loud like I was searching for something... For my son... But this time he was not coming back... Fuck you why, why me...
With that,
the church went quiet, I could hear small sobs, and sniffs... I touched kat... And said..
He did not leave the world with out doing a lot of stuff.. And continued to tell everyone about all the great experiences hilton has had... From snowboarding to parashutting, to cooking to camping.. Canoeing to hockey...
He has done so much....
I ended with
God bless sweet dream don't let the bed bugs bite...
And soon enough the service was over... Thank god..
The fresh air of being out side in the snow and rain felt so good.... So many faces , with tears sharing my pain....
It felt so good, it took an hour to give 300 people a hug and share word of strength...
And like true tim byrne out side the church, $
I told everyone to join my family and I at the best celebration... We could ever set up for a child... And this night will rock for hiltons sake....
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