Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Living in the present

I felt numb today, tired and numb , spent an hour in the office and balled with stan, spoke to my daughter via text only to be in the same room with her.
What has life become????

Got some food from super centre, bread milk, fruit 30 + apples, gala, sparten grannies.. 3 of everything for th staff at the ICU to eat... Cause they eat shit most days...

As the afternoon tracked on hilton fever went up and down... His sinus are raw and sore, ... His LOC is shit... It's a been almost 6 days without any real consistent command movement... I'm depressed, and I feel like I'm caring hilton.... And keeping the family facing the right way while wait..
I hate pitty parties... I'm not sure if anyone can tell???

( John and Ann.... Thanks for the fruit and veggies... Thank god for fresh FOOD
So....
Came out of the ICU, after a conversation with dr. simone and he ask " not to be in the blog" or can I speak to you off the blog... and as part of our trust with each other I will not discuss this conversation with you bloggers....so don't ask me... I will not tell you....

Dr. Simone, I respect you and hilt and I thank you for everything...
Honesty, kindness and skill...

Entering the waiting room
To a full house, the stadia ladies... kathy ,kathy catherine, tracey, janice ... All came for hugs. And yes super BOB and andrea... God bless you all for all the support... And food....
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Its Around 5:30ish... I just signed off on a camera and sample to be removed from my sons sinus... Some cultures to be done .... Its real surgery and its gonna take 20 minutes....
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as I can feel my energy disappear .....6:40pm. Hilti just finished and they said for us to come at 8pm to visit...
So
Robin, katie, julie, kellie, kat, Alex, georga and Dan.... Went back to the condo to have some dinner.... Frozen pizza and salad...cold milk, After a long day in the ICU. Dinner break 7pm to 8pm seem to come fast tonight...

We ate, I lay down for five minutes and look out into the city... Lost in my thoughts... and with a blink of my eye 8pm came quick

And we can sit and spend time with our hilti.... Let go go....go...move move move back to the ICU...

Kellie, georg and kat and alex have all headed home... For the night cause they are gonna GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW... An start to come down at night... Unless dad and mom(s) make some choices..


Alex , kat and georg promise to get lots of two finger photos for me tomorrow and thur... from there class mates...

So its julie and I... Alone for the 8 to 9 visit..
We get some coffee and tea at timmys and off we go.. To the ICU... We buzz in and the nurse asks for a few more minutes..

We go to the waiting room and who do we see... Melissa... From our office her voice is horse and I ask her if she is sick .... Eeeek stay away of your sick or feel sick... She say she is fine and she is horse because she reads my blog... And her emotions get the best of her... And to my surprise I turn my head and a regular to the waiting room comes through the door like a super hero... It is scotty... My step brother.. Sweet, love his smile....
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A quick hug to scotty and
off julie and I go... we walk buy the apple basket sitting on the icu nurses station, I brought it in around 3:30pm....and the fucking baskets is empty .. These guys are little piggies.... O ink

And off around the right corner and on the left... You know which bed is hilti's cause of all the great art and the knot blankie an old friend made for him at birth..

His eyes open,its about 30 minutes out of surgery, out of full sedation...

I love when his eyes are open... And guess what...... a new nurse to question and beat up... Michelle... Sweet michelle... She is a part timer ... Nice lady... No resume required... Kick ass lady, engaged...
( Julie takes his hand and says hI)

I say "hilton to follow me with your eyes, buddy, blink, hey buddy............. and the standard ritual.. Goes Forward....to shake up his LOC... Look for him to follow a command... Bla bla bla...

I yell, " hilton if he can hear me? If you can hear me blink".. He did... But if I was yelling at you like that in a language you couldn't understand... You would blink too, just from the noise....and my spit...

But michelle. Swears hilton is following my commands... Me not so much..

I told her she was fucked...
So I went to the other side of the bed and ask hilton to turn to me... And the little prick did it, fuck me Eh... He struggled but he turned... A little bit a tiny bit... Michelle ? I ask " was that real.. And she say YES sir I'm marking that down as a command and response... I said "I'm not so sure?"
she said, I've been doing this for 10 year,
hilton did what you asked. Yes... Sweet :)
I was happy... So happy
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good in the ICU.. Is all about the present...
That moment..
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michelle was so happy,
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I told hilton to rest... And julie was so happy... This is the first time he has responded to a command since julie showed up 4 days ago...

So I take a deep breath and ask michelle if its ok to hang out past 9pm cause scotty hiltons uncle would like to come in... She say go ahead....we were all kinda happy and good moments need to be enjoyed..

As I leave to go out ,
Dr. Simone... ( Which I believe he never goes home) walked by and I said ... "He followed a command"... Simone say " come show me.."
So back we go...

Beside hilton... Simone watching , I ask him to blink, I ask him to move his head... Nothing.. Fuck nothing... Shit,,, come on buddy in my head, my bubble just burts....
Simone says... "Tim come, yell at him! make him.."

I get next to his right side: and in his face with his eyes open but not focused... I yell angry, strong , full blast HILTON LIFT UP YOUR HEAD, HILtON , DAMMIT, do IT NOW DO iT FOR YOUR DAD RIGHT NOW LIfT your HEAD...
My son the ass. Shaking like a leaf on a tree, on a windy day... Lifted his head off his pillow with conviction.... ( I think to my self...That motherfucking kid... Stubborn mother fucking kid...;)
And with a deep breath...
Quietly, I whispered in his ear....
Shhhhh good boy, good boy put your head down sshhH its ok. Good boy... And slowly his head goes down...

Simone says DO IT again...come now DO IT again...do it yell at him....

So in his face, spit flying with his eyes open but not focused... I yell full blast HILTON LIFT UP YOUR HEAD,
HILTON ,
BUDDY ,
DO IT NOW DO IT FOR YOUR ME RIGHT NOW
LIfT your HEAD...
Its IMPORTANT BUDDY..
.. LIFT YOUR HEAD...
I yelled so loud, that I woke up the whole ICU...

that kid did it again that mother fucking kid
did it again....
tears down my face,
cause good in the ICU is about the moment...

Simone said... See , see, give your son a few more day. Give him more time.. SEE....
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Fuck I'm exshusted I'm tired, I'm good, right now, and if hilton never moves again... I love that he moved this night this time... Hilton moving his head less then 4 " was wonderful... Just wonderful...

Good night buddy,
God bless

Don't let the bed bugs bite..

Ps: never give UP...

5 comments:

  1. Tim you need to quit maiking me ball like a baby......Hilton you rocked it buddy! This is what we have been waiting for......and it's only going to get better. YEAH Hilton! Awesome!

    Loads of Love

    Jennifer, Mike, Colton & Avery

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  2. Two Fingers, Mine are Crossed though.:)
    Love, hope wishes and prayers too!
    Jamie

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  3. Hi...we're the Clarke Foster blended family from Oakville Ontario and a very good friend asked if we'd pray for your son Hilton and your family (Stephanie) and told us to check out your blog. Words can't describe how moved I am by what your writing and the rawness of what your experiencing right now. Two fingers up from all of us - prayers for Hilton and for all those who love him dearly. I can't imagine what your facing but I pray today you'll have the courage and strength you need for THIS DAY...THIS MOMENT. Janice, Robin, Emily, Rachel, Beth, and Lauren

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  4. Hey Tim, my husband works at stadia. He's only a temp, but worked with Hilton on Robarts. I saw Hilton once, passing by on my way to school. I've never met Hilton but I've heard nothing but great things about him. I've been following from the beginning and let me tell you what an emotional roller coaster it's been. I can't even imagine how it's been for you & your family, but thank you for letting us in. lately I've been praying for God to heal Hilton, and to give you and your family the strength to give Hilton what he needs & to stay positive.
    I just want to say, Hilton, Tim & everyone; don't give up, keep it up & keep fighting! XOX
    Im thinking thoughts of Hilton awake & alert & doing stuff.

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  5. YES , GO HILTON !

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