Friday, November 12, 2010

7 days after his funeral..

I text penny today and made sure she was ok,

I have not text, email or spoke with her since she did the rogers news interview,

I hated that she did it, and spoke in detail about hiltons accident,
as Kat kellie georga and I have all chosen not get any details what so ever... Seems un fair the rest of the world has details ( as I right the blog its seems hypocritical...on my part.. Oh well...

I have gone to work this week,
kat went to school, georga back to school...

Ever night I can't sleep,
I'm actually scared to sleep ,
I have been having nightmares, really bad nightmares, bed sweats.. Bone chilling...
Ridding in the elevator of the hospital stop at every floor and the door opens.

I can feel the hatred people have in my dream

I feel the guilt dripping from my bones...
With the dreams ending in the elevator falling terrifying me the consciousness .

And this was a good dream... ( Sigh)

What disturbs me is the repetition of the dreams...again and again and again
the powerful graphics of the dreams last few seconds of Hiltons face and this nurse.. I'm not sure which one....

Yes I do... I can see her..

Let go back to oct 30th...

after hilton passed away all the family gathered in the ICU to see his body ..... And love him one last time and pray for his soul to go to a better place...

As family left one by one.. The last person with hilton was his amigo KAT... God love her,
Kat looked at his body, tears in her eyes, almost fear.. Shock...

Hiltons eyes slightly open knot blanket on his legs.

I touched Hilti's feet and said to kat: " take your time." And turn to leave as I poked through the curtain with butterflies on the drapes,
( the butterflies, you learn in the first few days of ICU... Some one died when you see butteflies on curtains)

on my final journey out of the ICU, it was darker and quieter then normal,

there was the nurse,
a friend of johns ( john was not on this day)
across the hall sitting at a small familiar desk, watching another patient,

She knows me well... God who does not know me in the ICU...
But this nurse with john has had huge conversations with me... She is a strong convicted lady. Why si she not looking at me share my sorrow.

I touch this nurses arm lightly

slowly without a sound

I queitly said;

"you have not said a thing"
... She did not let her eyes leave the chart of this patient, on the desk.

quietly...her voice had no empathy,
it felt almost like disgust. Low and clear she said:

"your wrong, you didn't even try, you did the wrong thing".


I stop touching her.. Hand trembling, I walk away slowly...

Realising I was blood stained forever with the guilt of my sons life on my soul...

Tears left my face and hit the floor of the ICU as I did not lift my head,

I the activated door button of the ICU for the last time as I passed through it sad, lost alone.... And now guilt.
( Snap back, stop crying)
Each morning while in the shower I have a big cry ( just like the movie the crying game)
Its almost become my new normal.

Get dressed , feed the dog...
And I stop and have coffee with kellie... We would endlessly hug , and cry...

Off to work I go...

The first day I went I stopped at 6 tim hortans while on the phone with kellie the entire 45 minute drive... I just wanted to kill as much time as possible...
A little scared... Lord knows what I'm gonna do with 6 large coffees... And no more holders...

I enter My office:

I feel like A freak,
as the boss you always feel like people shut downand act different to begin with, now I walk in with the ashes of your son around your neck...
And a big metaphoric. sign that say ... "My sons dead"... And no one knows what to say.......
The staff that have known me a long time stand and hug, or touch...
I feel like running to the accounting in with stan to hide.... I'm going crazy, really I just want to hide....

Today is friday,
No work... Fuck that shit.

we went to maryanns and created the art work for the tattoos kat , kellie and I are going to get... And any boarders...

Kat and I went up on our own.... To see maryann..

I ask Kat on the ride to newmarket... "Are you sick of being with me?"...

She said:
your the only one that I'm not sick of"
I love you kat......

Maryann is gonna post the art on monday..


This week has been really bad. Lonely ... Like I slammed on my breaks but all the traffic kept moving...

My family is actually getting use to crying..
You can break out in tear and the person beside you asks like nothing is going on

" pass the ketchup please"

Funny shit... Not so funny..


I forgot... I hate that but...
I'm old

I want to thank robin stephenson for everything

Pictures attached are
1) Hiltons ashes in a mini urn.
That we call a "hiltini" georga, kat kellie Alex, katie, nanna, grandma sister and I all have one
Never to come off

2) Georga did a picture of hilton riding. Sweet sketch...

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